How Could He Make Her Feel Safe: Lessons On Mature Masculinity

The role of the mature masculine and feminine polarities in evolving the state of relationships

By Jackie Morrison — Written on Apr 08, 2014

How Could He Make Her Feel Safe: Lessons on Mature Masculinity

Personally, I would never bring home a man that my father wouldn't approve of. That is the simple efficient approach for identifying who the safe men are for me. Another strategy is to never engage with anyone once you're clear that neither one of your grandfathers, with their lifetime of experience working in the criminal justice system, wouldn't pull rank on your dad and interrogate him because he set off their suspicion.

While I am too much on the conservative or traditional side to associate with men known for cavorting around town with an ongoing emotional harem of mistresses, some may say their perspective can't be discounted. True, to a point. For what it's worth, let's explore that side of the self-appointed modern mature masculine mind.

Ever since Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden of Eden it seems a war of the sexes has been waging. In the history of civilization the rise and fall and rise of Patriarchy or Matriarchy has fundamentally dictated the rule of how the genders should relate to each other. Between the influence of religion upon various cultures and the dominance of power primarily in the hands of men, feminism in North America represented a reaction by the women’s movement to balance the inequality gap. Once the Sexual Revolution began in the 1960’s the nature of sexual politics added more complexity to how the masculine and feminine interacted in society and personal relationships.

Now, 21st century relationships between men and women are in a state of transformation. Authors like David Deida write about how the role of polarity between masculine and feminine essences is essential to enduring intimacy. This concept of polarity also makes distinctions between the mature versus immature forms of masculine and feminism. These distinctions are at the crux of where relationships could evolve to if embraced by general society. After Heather Strang, a Huffington Post blogger and BodyTalk practitioner, hosted her “Understanding Men, Sex, and Spirituality” event with Daily Love contributor and former US Air Force Captain Bryan Reeves, I asked Reeves to delve more into how Deida’s concepts can be applied in modern relationships. No matter how far gender roles have changed, women still want men who genuinely make them feel safe. In particular, just how a man can presence that sense of safety for a woman, was something I asked Reeves to explore more in the following Q &A.

What is the distinction between mature masculine or feminine vs the immature version? In broad terms, one essential characteristic of a mature feminine or masculine expression is that there is a healthy respect for its polar complement. When either of these energies are expressed in mature fashion, it neither grasps at desperately nor attacks its complement. In other words, it’s not a weak, needy partner, nor is it abusive in any way.

There are countless examples where this reveals itself in life. We find this immaturity a lot in popular entertainment, music and film especially, where the consistent message is essentially, I need you to complete me – emphasis on “need.” Take also the role of institutions, such as government or religious organizations, which are dominated by expressions of immature masculine energies that do not have a healthy respect for feminine expression. For example, government is constantly seeking to control women’s bodies – everyone’s bodies, actually – by limiting access to birth control and abortion and outlawing prostitution. Also, government leaders attain and remain in power through calculating intellectual manipulations and strategies almost completely devoid of feminine expressions of heart and holistic thinking. Politics - as well as business - has become a game of “do whatever it takes to win.” As long as one’s actions are not outright illegal or they can take illegal action without getting caught, the immature masculine ethos will go for it, regardless of the negative consequences suffered by others. It’s largely why our oceans are filling up with plastic and cities like Beijing sometimes can’t breathe. This is the unhelpful way of an immature masculine individual wholly occupied with individual triumph and no respect for the balancing feminine expressions of holistic nurturing, community care and consensus.

On the other hand, women who keep themselves in exploitive or abusive relationships, where they willingly subjugate themselves to the immature expression of masculine being, such as marital abuse, pornography, office hierarchies where they act more masculine to succeed – are offering a stunted expression of full feminine being to the world.

One of your recent posts was on the third stage of relationships. Could you describe what you mean by that? How would it look like?

This third stage, which I described as mind-body-spirit focused (as opposed to the body focus of stage one and the mind-body focus of stage two) is about devotion. It is about cultivating the mastery to fully give our unique gifts to our partners regardless of what we get in return. It is what allows a man to stand strong before a woman with his loving presence, even if she is in her pain and verbally excoriating him for … allegedly ... being the worst human being on the planet.

Devotion is also what keeps a man or a woman by their partner’s bedside after they have been in an accident, lost limbs, and are living indefinitely in a coma. A man or woman who is not devoted to their partner’s deeper spirit could never remain in such a situation. Yes, attraction to body and mind are certainly aspects of a stage three intimate partnership. However, body and mind attractions are ultimately transcended by one’s devotion to their partner’s spirit - by which I only mean profound appreciation for the aspects of being that live deep within their unique heart, beyond body and mind. Only such devotion can enable people to stay deeply connected long after bodies begin to deteriorate and minds begin to go.

Of course, I must confess, I have not yet experienced devotion to a woman. I have witnessed it, though. Many years ago, I did hospice work. I would drive an 80-year old man to see his wife in a nursing home. They had been married 65 years. She was bed-ridden and mentally gone to everyone else. But when he entered the room, somehow a light burst forth from her face that is indescribable. He would bend over and kiss her on the lips like she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. He once told tell me, “we married young and raised each other.” Lord only knows what they went through in their lifetime together. But 65 years later, I witnessed what devotion must look like.

What's your explanation as to why the immature masculine attacks the feminine without provocation?

The masculine energy exists to drive life forward, to focus and move things a specific direction. One of its primary functions is to achieve whatever mission is called out for it, no matter what victory requires. That is why masculine energies pick enemies and wage war and obsess over sports that measure victory by touchdowns, goals, baskets, runs, etc. In its immature state, a masculine being will see a feminine expression (a woman, emotions, a wild ecosystem) as simply another target to thrust itself into and conquer. Without a healthy, mature respect for the feminine, the masculine almost can’t help itself but to attack her. That’s its nature. It’s only maturity and wisdom that eventually empowers the masculine to live in thriving harmonious dance with its feminine counterpart.

Do you have any advice for men or women who have experienced the destructive behavior of the masculine or feminine in their life so that they don't shutdown forever?

Choose to believe that everything in life happens FOR your greater good. Look for the lesson in every situation that leads you towards love. If your conclusions move you towards cynicism, throw them out and look deeper. Love is a choice. So is cynicism.

Remember the story of the two wolves. We have inside each of us two wolves who are constantly doing battle with each other. One wolf lives on love, understanding, appreciation, joy. The other wolf lives on hate, resentment, cynicism and suffering. The wolf who wins is the one you feed.

Are there ways to easily detect a hostile and immature masculine or feminine quickly to avoid engaging with them to one's detriment?

You are looking for techniques and tricks that help you avoid hurt. Give it up. We are all growing more functional through each other’s (and our own) dysfunctions. This is how we learn. It is the fools around us who are our best teachers. Life would be boring without them. They help us build the muscle of discernment. We will never live a fool-proof life. As long as we have something to learn, it is quite often the fools among us who teach us the fastest.

Having said that, feeling uncomfortable in someone’s presence can be a useful indicator that you shouldn’t be in their presence. HOWEVER, that could also be your own immature or wounded self being triggered in that moment. We must all do the deep inner work on ourselves and not worry about what the rest of the world is doing. As we do that deep inner work to know ourselves, explore and eventually make peace with our own darkness, we evolve to naturally repel those who would do us intentional harm. By cultivating our own inner clarity, our own radiant love, we naturally attract only those who can meet us there.

Only an immature expression of feminine energy can attract and remain in the same space as an immature expression of masculine energy. An immature expression of feminine or masculine energy simply can not hold the attention span of its mature counterpart for long.

We’re all growing up together. Trust in the journey. There is no destination, anyway.

Where is the hope and opportunity as a whole to evolve both elements of masculine and feminine towards maturity?

Maturity happens. Just not always in the space of one lifetime. Humanity is reaching a point where maturity is no longer optional. The damages we can’t seem to help but inflict on both the planet and our own bodies is leading us to the precipice at which we will either mature to meet the crisis … or go extinct. Or simply suffer even more until we learn and correct our immature ways.

Conversations like this one we are having are essential. The more people we get talking about maturing as a species, and as men and women, the better off we’ll be to meet whatever challenges come our way.

Where do you see your role as a transformational coach in healing the effects of the war between the sexes?

I am a bridge for understanding between the sexes.

Wars are essentially byproducts of misunderstanding and incompatible desires. There is no real war between the sexes; only gross misunderstandings of what each wants from the other.

Once men discover that women are not merely intellectually defective versions of men, and once women discover that men are not emotionally defective versions of women, we can begin to truly appreciate each other’s differences. A full rich life integrates mind and heart. Masculine is mind. Feminine is heart. Life cannot exist one without the other. Mind only, is mechanistic. Heart only, is ignorance.

I grew up as a masculine male completely surrounded by feminine energy. I had two strong mothers and three wild sisters. I witnessed an endless variety of both mature and immature feminine expression. However, my two fathers (married to my two mothers), though well-meaning men, were mostly absent or weak and compromised expressions of masculine being. Being surrounded by feminine energy my whole life certainly gave me great insight into feminine expression, allowing me to integrate my own internal feminine energies. But growing up with weak masculine role models, I never fully connected to my dominant masculine essence. As a result of this dynamic, I’ve spent my adult life cultivating a healthy respect for feminine energy through great friendships with women as sisters and mothers. But I’ve been wildly unstable and dysfunctional in my intimate relationships with women.

I see all that now. My path to mastery of masculine-feminine being has taken me through intense darkness and suffering; the painful experience of disconnection from my true nature.

I can now see my past relationship failures largely through the filter of masculine-feminine dynamics. I can help masculine men who also grew up with confused, immature expressions of masculine energy (which is most men in western culture) learn what it really means to show up as a healthy man in the various relationships he has with women: sister, mother, lover, wife, etc. And because I was surrounded by feminine energy in my formative years, I can also help feminine women understand better their masculine counterparts.

Only understanding and appreciation of our differences will end the so-called war of the sexes … which only exists in our confused minds, anyway.

Describe in a synopsis your coaching method and philosophy? How does your personal and professional background influence your coaching orientation?

My coaching is insight-oriented. I focus first on internal being – how you (my client) are showing up in your life, in your relationships, in your work, in the world. I treat external results (WHAT you create) as a by-product of internal being (WHO you are being in your life).