Olive Garden? Outback? Find The Chain That's Best For Your Affair

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Recently, a study unearthed the cold hard facts on cheating: adulterers and their mistresses prefer the unfaithful menu at Morton's Steakhouse above all else. Maybe it's the steak, the dimly lit ambiance or the superbly dirty "Gin Mortini's" — but whatever the reason, the poplular eatery is working for cheaters.

But, Morton's isn't the only place for sharing appetizers far from prying eyes. Turns out there are tons of chains perfect for hiding your salacious affair. So, if you're not sure where to take your something-on-the-side, don't stress: we did the legwork for you.

Below is a comprehensive guide on the top private spots you should make your cheaters', party-of-two reservation tonight.

Olive Garden
Call it the garden party of affair restaurants. If you want your hanky-panky partner to feel like they really matter to you beyond, well, just sex, what better place than a chain who promises to make you feel like family? Exactly. Opting for the Italian locale says a few things about you: you like to have what you want, when you want it, however often you want it. No one will judge you for reaching for seconds, thirds and fourths of bread sticks. Here, you and your lover can (and will) take advantage of the You-Pick-Two combos and the seasonally-inspired fare. Olive Garden diners are risk-takers, unafraid of trying something new on the menu — and beyond.

Ruby Tuesdays
No need to worry about being noticed here, my fornicating friends, because under the candlelight atmosphere you'll stay just out of eyesight. Your adulteress dinner guest is as all-American as the menu, from the buffalo wing appetizer right down to the warmed up blondie with vanilla ice cream you'll order for dessert. You're both short, sweet and get right to the point — no unnecessary questions, no over-the-top requests. You'll order the same thing on the menu every time you order (and you won't ever pass up the adding the salad bar for an extra $2). When asked, you both agree: vanilla sex is best. Truth is, you'll get your cake and eat it too, all for under $50.

Outback Steakhouse
Your affair is as fake and unsatisfying as this Americanized Aussie menu. Even though you might be able to charm your date with false tales of life in the outback and what it was really like to feel a baby kangaroo up close, you always leave wanting more, wishing you paid less for it and agonizing over the havoc the Bloomin' Onion will cause on your bowels. Nothing better than self-indulgence followed by self-loathing and a long trip to the bathroom.

Friendly's
Okay, I know, is this place even still around? Oh yes, it is. And while you might not think that dinner at Friendly's requires much explanation (after all, who takes anyone to Friendly's?) it says a mouthful about your affair. You're in it solely for the sex — and since you promised your fling a sweet treat after he did that thing with his tongue again, the first place that popped into your mind was Friendly's. There's no promises of intellectually stimulating conversation, an impressive cocktail menu or anything beyond burgers, fries and soggy sandwiches. You're in-and-out in less than 15 minutes, you can foot the bill with less than $15 and we can assure you no one you know will catch you here. We knew this place was good for something.

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Red Lobster
If you like overcrowded restaurants overpriced frozen fish and an extremely disappointing cocktail menu, Red Lobster is more than happy to have you. Lucky for you, your date won't know the difference and anyone even remotely close to orbiting your friend circle knows better than to ever step foot into this establishment unless they're on a family vacation in Myrtle Beach. Thankfully, you'll avoid any and all questions. And since you'll be amongst families with crying children, you won't have to worry about carrying on a lengthy conversation. The food and sex are, well, mediocre at best, but it's those cheddar biscuits that keep you coming back for more.

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Longhorn Steakhouse
Talk about a name laden with innuendos! You're the kind of person that likes to stress the fact that you've chosen the 16 ounce steak at Longhorn Steakhouse simply because you know your body can handle it. Besides, you're always up for a challenge. You'll order well drinks all night and scoff when the bill comes (because, duh, middle class life is just so hard and "ugh, can't anybody enjoy a drink without paying an overpriced bill anymore?!"), just because you can. Sex for you is sort of like leaving a tip — exactly two times the tax and not one cent more. Rest assured when you leave this joint, your less-than-pleasurable palates will have been provided for.

And there you have it. There's a restaurant for every occasion and cheating is no exception. Every good, mediocre, or straight up bad lay needs something to eat, and when you're strapped for ideas, it's best to keep in mind the spots all over the country that serve your purpose best.

Go forth and fornicate, friends!