Love, Heartbreak

I'm In Limbo With My Relationship

I'm in limbo with my relationship

Me and my ex were inseperable for 6 years, we were crazy in love, lived together, tried on rings. We were part of each other's family, we considered ourselves a 'little practice family'. He found me when I was, more or less, homeless and kind of a loser. He invested in me, got me back on my feet, it was wonderful. I went back to college, got a full scholarship and have done phenomenally. We had planned to marry after college and went house shopping. So it's strange that I now find myself googling "how to get your boyfriend back" after everything we've been through.

About two years ago, things began to change, we were still in love, attached at the hip, but sex was gone. I would get upset every couple of months but he would say don't worry about it, it's fine. Then this last year things began to hit the skids, more arguing, more distance. This all started when I began to withdraw alot to focus on school, and spent ALL my time working.

He bought me a ton of furniture, we redid my room, tried some things, nothing really seemed to help. Then, in October, we had a blowout after I found out he had been going to strip clubs, but ignoring me. He said it was just a work thing, but I was still upset. He went off like a bomb telling me I was disgusting, a piece of * * * * , and made fun of me crying. I was terrified because this wasn't him at all, he was a bit drunk too. Every day after that was constant yelling and screaming, he would tell me he needed time and space and if I can get it together and stop crying, maybe we could work it out. I couldn't, I was devestated by his treatment of me, and he requested I move out. He said he loved me very much but like I was his child, not his girlfriend. He was not attracted to me, but wanted to take care of me. The only way he saw to get things back on track was for me to leave. I was doubly devastated. I love my home, and my life with him, it was a million steps backwards.

This began to really get bad when I got an internship in Paris which I accepted. He was constantly angry and a few weeks before I left he began to pull away and say terrible things like 'Leave me alone, I never want to see you again. We will never be together.' and screaming 'Don't talk about our relatinship anymore!' On the day I left, he was an angel, helping me pack, being very sweet, telling me he loved me and maybe we could work it out and I could come home. He kissed me and said he would miss me and that I should have fun. He told me I should date, he didn't want to hear about it, I told him I didn't want him to find someone else-he said he had NO intentions of dating or hooking up.

So I left, and the first few days we called eachother alot, he was encouraging and sweet, but I was homesick and scared. Whenever I would cry he became a monster. He told me we could not talk anymore because he would get mad and I would cry and that I need to focus on myself, the last thing he did was send me an article on what makes an ideal marriage.

So, I have handled this HORRIBLY.. since then, I had tried frantically to speak to him. We haven't really spoken on the phone since my birthday, he doesn't answer. I kind of became an inbox terrorist, trying to talk about us, what we could do, can we try again. Elaborate answers turned into very terse answers until recently, I found out, he has packed up my room and was buying a storage unit. He told me he wouldn't do this because it was so important to me, but did it anyways because he said this need to end. He begged for time and space and I, admittedly, did not give it to him and did not respect his wished, but I thought I knew him so well that couldn't be possible. I tried too hard, I was desperate and it pushed him away.

When this happened, I gave up, I felt hopeless and stop contacting him. Then my friend emailed me, saying she went to help pack and he was very stressed and emotional. He told her how much he loved me and cared about me, that he needs me to be strong and independent and get on my own two feet. She said that it felt like he just wanted to be alone, but very obviously loved me, but didn't have any plans for 'us' right now. She felt he was not emotionally available but that he would be. She felt there was hope. His sister also told me that he said he missed me and that he didn't know what would happen in the future, but, today, this is how it is.

So after this, I sent him an email. I asked him, politely, if he would take some time to think about this before putting my stuf in storage because it was my life and our life together. He was cold and said 'We do not live together. Leave me alone. You will be fine. Do not call me or email me.' I was confused and felt awful, I tried to convince him otherwise and ask him (since I'm coming back soon) about how he had said things might change when I come back. He said 'There is nothing to talk about, we are not together. We're done.' I feel he will not even let me come see him when I return. He is planning to pay for my car and insurance, help with rent and cell phone, etc. until I finish college... but this is not what I wanted, and I don't want to accept without having something with him.

I am confused and feel horrible (beyond horrible.. like physically ill) because of what he says to other people, but the way he treats me does not reflect that. His sisters have tutted him for handling this in a mean way, he gets defensive and says this is what I need to do to ''grow up' (He is 37, and treats this as though he is giving me tough love and teaching me a lesson.

I no longer know what to do and am trying to accept it will never happen again... I am terrified to come home from Paris because it looks truly awful. I love him, I want a future with him, he means the world to me. Do I have to give up? I have never heard of a couple reconciling after something like what?

Here's the update:

Sorry... this is really wordy.

Once read, here's where I am at now:

A couple of weeks ago, I was preparing to leave France and was contacting him ALOT via email. He would be friendly, then very mean. I was terrified at the thought of coming home--but not really being able to come back to our house, or him. I cried, I begged (again), he would get horribly angry then tell me to '* * * * off', or something along those lines. He told me my crying and begging was immature and manipulative. In hindsight, I agree with him, but what else could I do? And he wanted nothing to do with it, understandable. But, in my defense, he HAD just put my entire life in storage, been horribly verbally 'abusive' (I wanna use that term lightly, everyone gets angry when you back them into a corner) but continued to say that he DID love me, he just thought that this was the best thing he could do for me that I needed to grow up, and learn to live my own life not dependant on him as an emotional crutch.

Two weeks ago, I arrived home from Paris. I came home early, as my Ex's behavior was growing unpredictable, he was furiously angry whenever I tried to contact him, and I felt helpless like I couldn't control my own life. So, the day I come home, he was also returning from abroad. Of course, the first thing I do is go back to our home to get my mail having been gone for two months. We arrive at the same time and I see him peering into the windows nervously, I think he expected me to be in there, for some odd reason, even though I no longer have keys and, even though I am on the lease, would not enter our home without his consent. He sees me coming up the driveway and if looks could kill... well.. you know. He is furious and says 'Go away! Leave me alone! We're never talking! IT's over!' He throws me my mail, says if I don't leave within 1 minute he's calling the cops and never come back here again. Before anyone assumes anything, please know that I haven't seen my ex-fiance for over 2 months, nor spoken on the phone, or anything--he is wildly overreacting. I leave, he emails me to reitterate 'Never come here again. Do you understand?' I tell him I do, and apologize.

The next day, I remind him I am signing a lease for a new apartment. He continues to financially support me (as my college is very expensive and I am graduating) and I wanted to see if I should not count on his support. He write back 'Great. That's very exciting! As long as you give me time and space, I will continue to help you.' I say ok. A couple days later, we argue again through email, he eventually gets fed up, says 'Leave me alone.' I ask, is it over? Do you not want to try again-he says it's over. I ask, nicely, if he wouldn't mind tell me this not through an email. The day I left home, we were still going to try again, but living seperately, and while I was away he was certain I had to move out--but was uncertain as to whether or not he wanted to try again. He would get angry and say 'It's over! Leave me alone!' and then say 'Time and Space' (my only translation for this is.. not right now, give it a rest, maybe later).

I have left it at this, as there's no point in asking to try again right now. But, I honestly love the bones of him and would wait for him and love him enough to move forward in spite of past problems.

He continues to pay my bills (Phone, car, gym, a portion of the rent) but will not speak to me or see me. His family is still very close to me, his sister is always trying to help me. I feel, deep down, he is just angry, I assume because I couldn't leave well enough alone after the breakup and he needed to not be bombarded with emails or phone calls. Is this why he would be so angry? If you're the one doing the breaking up with someone, why not just handle it civilly and calmly? His anger makes me feel he is uncertain and he has feelings still.

I found yesterday that he hasn't really been going to work this week. Two days of not showing up is a big deal when you're in Executive Management, and has been sitting at home watching movies and playing computer games. While I'd rather him not hurt, this feels to me like he's having a difficult time, but I don't want to read too much into it. To compound things, I am a painter, and apparently one of my self-portraits is hanging in our former living room. He did not volunteer to return that, he also would not return a photo I received from his mother of us at his sister's wedding. So if that's not holding on, I dunno what is.

Honestly, I cannot move on with my life without closure, and this means hearing him say 'I'm sorry, it's over.' to my face, like a grown up (He is 37 after all).

His inability to do so makes me think he is uncertain about trying again, and he continues asking for time and space and getting angry with me rather than ignoring me outright. Plus, our odd situation of financial assistance leads me to really want a friendly relationship. I have told him if we can't work things out, I really would rather scrape by than accept his help, but he insists-says I need to finish college, and as awkward as the arrangement is, he's right. I totally couldn't support myself at a college where the BA costs $250K.

I have proposed we try again-no answer. I have proposed we talk so we can have some closure-no answer or 'Leave me alone'. He had turned off his AIM and Skype, blocked my phone # (he pays the bill, so he can block it or unblock it if he likes), forbidden me to come back to our home, etc. I have asked him if I should stop hanging out with his family because I would feel weird if my ex was friends with my family, and he said he has no problem with that. I have gone back to be really unsure about whether I can handle this, and am trying to get better. I have expressed this to him. And, while he had previously told me there was nothing wrong with that and his mother had been through similar pain, he now accuses me of being manipulative. So, despite the fact I feel the same and he was my only support system for years, I am keeping it to myself, and trying not to reach out for help. I haven't contacted him in 5 days in any way shape or form.

I can't move on, I'm in some sort of limbo. I love my ex-fiance, I still see him as my future husband. We still have joint bank accounts, and intertwined family lives--so now what?

Why is he SO angry? Why is he over-reacting, then calming down?

How much time do I give him?

Will I ever get closure?

What's really going on in his brain?