I Overreacted To My Boyfriend Going On Vacation

My boyfriend and I had dated for almost a year and a half. We lived together for four months. He broke up with me in May.

He had a valid reason for breaking up with me. I was a cutter and severely depressed. I would demean him for insignificant things. I told him I hated him. I put him through hell and isolated myself. He said he couldn't handle the stress of wondering whether I would be alive when he got home or not. He said he wasn't good for me.

The breakup was absolutely devastating for me. I lived and breathed him. He prevented me from killing myself multiple times that night. The breakup snapped me out of that negative place. I've been getting out and seeing my friends, despite how utterly miserable I feel. I haven't even looked at a razor. I want him to see how improved I am but he won't even consider giving me a second chance. He said he's given me too many already and that he just wants this chapter of his life to be over.

However, immediately after the breakup I started dating his best friend. I don't have feelings for him whatsoever. Dating him was a big mistake. He was upset about it but he would still allow me to come over at night when he got off work. We would cuddle and be intimate, then he would tell me it was time for me to leave. (Eventually I stopped crying when he told me that) He even told me he fell in love with me again. One of his conditions was that I had to leave my phone in my car. One night I didn't and that led to a huge fight. But we still saw each other. Then I looked through his phone and saw he was texting a girl named Courtney and I flipped out. (Apparently they used to be friends in school and she just recently started working with him. She has a boyfriend but I'm still worried and jealous) He said when Chris, his best friend whom I'm still "dating", went back to West Virginia we could talk. The following Saturday (which was about two weeks ago) he said he didn't want to see me anymore. That he wanted to be happy. That he realized he didn't love me anymore.

I've been so angry and paranoid about everything. When I would try to beg him to come back he would push me away. I visited him at work to have lunch with him but he smirked at me and said, "This is awkward. I already have plans with someone else." After some investigation I found out he w as with Courtney. I saw her at his house just yesterday, too. So I would exact revenge on him anyway I could. Called him names. Called Courtney his slut. Tampered with his Facebook. I just want him back so badly. No one else makes me feel the way he does. I just want him back.

We had a talk last night. I asked him why he hated me so much and he said he didn't hate me. That he still cared about me. He said we could be civil but he won't go out of his way to see me. That he doesn't want to be friends. I asked if he missed me at all and he said, "Sometimes. But I had an appropriate reason for breaking up with you so I don't miss you much."

He may not be necessarily worth it. All he does is work and play video games. He's extremely lazy. He did take good care of me though and gave me pretty much anything I wanted. I want things to go back to normal. The only reason I'm still with his friend is because he's willing to take care of me so I don't have to live with my parent s again.

So, Essy, what do I do? Should you try to get your boyfriend back in these circumstances?

Do you think it's even possible with all the nasty things I've done?

Hopefully you have an opportunity to respond. Sorry for such a long message, it's been a stressful couple of months.