Awkward Sex Advice From Cosmo: June Edition

cosmo cosmopolitan magazine cameron diaz cover june 2011

Man, after a long day at work, it sure is nice to curl up on my couch with a lusty and luscious Cosmo and some Cameron Diaz sideboob! Which, by the way, I stared at for 10 minutes, wondering what would happen to dear Cameron if a gust of wind (or just some heavy breathing) blew through. I mean, can that even qualify as a shirt?

It’s OK, Cosmo redeemed themselves quickly when I found an article called 'Boys on the Rebound.' Their goal? Decipher how long it would take each of the steaming hotties to get over their exes. How they came up with these calculations? Very scientifically, of course! A picture of Justin Timberlake in a deep and tight V-neck indicated he won’t be hurting for too long. Cosmo said 2 months tops. With those deep set eyes and tight abs rippling under his shirt, what is he waiting for anyway, right? Whatever Cosmo, looking like that it’s going to take him a day to find rebound. Because I’m flying to L.A. tomorrow to climb him like a Redwood tree (hey, he is wearing green). College Candy: Tuffy Luv Sez Take a Chance for Love

In a hot state of affairs, I rushed to the '101 Things About Men' article to gain some insight on my future trip to build a fort in Justin Timberlake’s penthouse suite (or pants).  This month it’s all about emotions. Cosmo informed us that our tears cause his libido to tank. Apparently, when guys were asked to compare the smell of salt water and actual woman’s tears (how many episodes of One Tree Hill did they make those women watch?) activity in the areas of the brain men associate with sexual excitement decreased when they took a whiff of the crying stuff. Uh, it’s not like I’m a vampire and cry tears of blood, boys. Really, it’s not that scary, boys! But don’t worry ladies; if you’re too busy crying and freaking him out, Cosmo says you can seduce him in a single touch. By stroking his…. forearm.

Wow, definitely not where I thought Cosmo was goin’ with that one…

Moving on. Did you know Cosmo included Kingston Rossdale in their Stud Meter this month? That’s right, the 20-30-somethings at Cosmo declared a three-year-old a stud. Oh—what was that? He’s four? My bad, that just makes having a toddler next to George Clooney on the Stud Meter THAT much more appropriate. I need a loofah. I feel dirty.  College Candy: No Matter What You Say, Justin Bieber is Still a Little Boy

Before we get to the really juicy stuff, I wanted highlight an article that lets you know if you’ve been teasin’ your man a bit too much. Apparently, if he’s developed carpal tunnel from curling his toes, he has a tattoo on his butt the shape of your hand from grabbing it too much and he asks to take five so he can carbo load, you are simply tantalizing him way too much. What?  There is such a thing as encouraging too much sexual excitement? I call BS.  Girls, you’re doing great—give him a cramp he won’t ever forget.

Finally, the article of the month is 'Dirty Talk that Drives Men Wild.' You can only imagine where this gem is going (hopefully it’s towards carpal tunnel in his toes). Here’s some dirty talk to get started; "Oh Cosmo, you’re so nasty and we love it!"

Cosmo Says: "For dessert, you’re going to eat my cake."

Brittany Says: Now, that’s just false advertising. At least be a little less deceiving. Nothing can compare to a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, and if you’re trying to find something that does—you shouldn’t start with your hoo-hah.

Cosmo Says: "Your pee-pee fits me perfectly."
Brittany Says: Because there’s nothing more tantalizing and sexual than referring to a man’s penis as his "pee-pee." What is this, dirty talk for preschoolers?

Cosmo Says: "That orgasm was so intense, my eyes rolled so far back into my head that I could see my insides."

Brittany Says: Ew, because that’s sexy. An insta-visual of your "inner self." And I’m not talking about your amazing personality. And besides, if your eyes did roll all the way back into your head, I’m sure he noticed….and found it incredibly creepy to look at. Why rehash that disturbing moment?

Cosmo Says: "Okay, now bend me over and say ahhh!"
Brittany Says: I’m a firm believer that what happens in the bedroom should stay there. Which is why playing doctor always makes me a wee bit uncomfortable. What if Dr.Thermapolis tells you to do this during your next check up? Ummm, woah—awkward city.

Cosmo Says: "She straddled me, beat her chest and made the Tarzan call."
Brittany Says: The only reason he likes it that any woman would beat her chest is because it makes her boobies jiggle back and forth. I’m sure there are other ways to recreate that without the weird mating call that will wake the neighbors.

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This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.