11 Steps To Mr. Right: A New Dating Strategy

man and woman eating a watermelon

Single women often ask us how to meet men, so when we started a partnership with YourTango Expert Rori Raye, author of the blog and newsletter Have The Relationship You Want, we figured that asking how to meet men was a good place to start. Rori had some great ideas, but she also thought that was the wrong question. "It's not about where you go, it's about your mindset when you're there," she said. Rori recommends practicing "Circular Dating." Circular Dating takes the focus off the man and turns it back on yourself, which builds your self-esteem and in the end, leads to meeting men. Here are eleven things we learned from Rori.

1. Don't try to meet men. Yes, that's right—don't try to meet men. Finding the relationship you want isn't about looking for Mr. Right or even about dating—it's about embracing and loving yourself. When you do that successfully men will find you.

2. View conversations with men as therapy. Rori recommends that you look at men as a therapeutic tool that can help you build self-confidence. Next time you're at a party, instead of scanning the crowd thinking, "I'm here to meet someone," look at the situation as an opportunity to observe and practice interacting with men. This mindset will leave you more relaxed—and more likely to meet someone.

3. Always be open to new connections. You can meet men anywhere—in happy hour at a bar, in line at Whole Foods, at the gas station when you're filling up your car. But if you're too involved in your thoughts you won't notice all the eligible men that surround you—and moreover, men won't approach you. Instead, look around. Smile at people. And relax.

4. Frequent places where men hang out. Rori has some great ideas: "Wilderness training classes, the computer section in bookstores, karaoke nights. If you're a high-powered CEO-type, charity boards and events. If you're not the red-carpet type, volunteering at these events is a great way to meet men in a low-pressure situation."

5. Choose activities that you're interested in. Don't go somewhere just because you think you'll meet guys there. "If you're dragging yourself to a lecture about climbing Mt. Everest when you really have no interest in hiking men will be able to tell you're not enthusiastic and won't want to talk to you," says Rori.

6. Go places alone. If you're talking with a friend men are much less likely to approach you. It's hard to show up somewhere when you know absolutely no one—but it's more likely you'll meet someone.

7. Practice relaxing. The first few times you go somewhere alone you might be nervous—especially if you're used to striking up conversations yourself. Try not to focus on nervousness or negativity. Instead think about being open and welcoming—which brings us to the next tip…

8. Let him make the first move. It may sound retro, but when it comes to dating and flirting, following traditional gender roles really does work. Raye recommends letting the man initiate the conversation.

9. Lean back. Literally. Put one foot behind the other and lean on your back foot or lean against the back of your chair. This posture is inviting, non-threatening, and signals that you're receptive to being approached. Men are insecure just like us; if you look angry or closed off their fear of rejection can prevent them from talking to you.

10. Listen instead of talking. Some women tend to talk a lot when they get nervous. Rori recommends that you close your mouth and really listen to what he's saying. Stop wondering what he's thinking, how you look or whether he'll ask for your number. Instead, engage in the conversation that he's started.

11. Dress the part. Wear girly, relaxed clothes. Ditch the power suit, but don't go around in ripped jeans, either. You want to look feminine and ready to connect.

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This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.