9 Reasons Jake Gyllenhaal Should Dump Taylor Swift

Photo: INF
Jake Gyllenhaal Anne Hathaway

Ok, so, Jake Gyllenhaal is probably not scouring the Internet, looking for advice on his love life. (Unless he's reading this YourTango article on anal sex and trying to figure out a way to work it into the conversation of his and Taylor's next ice cream date, and, then, maybe.) But, if he were, we'd hit him on his head the way his mother should and ask him, "What are you doing with this little girl? You're almost 30 years old! You should be dating a woman!"

And then we'd oh-so-casually ask him how his friend and co-star Anne Hathaway (who's a mature, almost 28) is doing because, clearly, from this list we've put together below, she is totally meant to be his girlfriend, if not his future wife, whereas 20-year-old Taylor Swift (who probably still says "ew" and giggles) is too young and wholesome to even be a fling.

So, here are our 9 reasons why Jake should dump Swifty and start dating the divine Miss Hathaway asap:

1. First of all, Anne and Jake have a long history together, both professionally and as friends. The two have now played lovers twice on screen because their chemistry is evidently that good - First, in Brokeback Mountain (only Anne Hathaway could convince an otherwise gay man that he could be straight by showing him her boobs!) and, currently, in the new movie, Love and Other Drugs.

2. As GuestofaGuest.com points out, Anne and Jake are both "classy, old New York" - meaning that they both grew up in NYC and have their home bases and families here. Plus, can't you picture Anne going on shopping dates together with Jake's sister, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and stopping in for coffee somewhere in Brooklyn with Maggie's 4-year-old daughter, Ramona, in tow?

3. Speaking of kids, Taylor recently said that, while she wants to get married and have babies someday, right now, her career is her priority. "Let’s say I’m 30 and still touring: I wouldn’t want to have a family, because I couldn’t balance it," she said, reports Hollybaby.com. By the time she gets around to having kids, Jake would probably be middle-aged! And we know that Jake loves kids and probably wants to become a dad sooner, rather than later. He was reportedly really close to ex-girlfriend Reese Witherspoon's two kids and was often spotted, taking them out for frozen yogurt or going trick-or-treating with them! 

4. Because, hello, Jake and Anne look gorgeous together. Have you seen this photo? And this one? And this one?!

5. While Anne Hathaway's current boyfriend, Adam Shulman, is certainly a big step up from Anne's last beau, Raffaello Follieri, he's not a film or TV or Broadway actor like Anne but a commercial actor. That means, while Anne Hathaway is getting dolled up to go to premieres or chatting about her life to Vogue, this guy is probably going to auditions for cereal brands and consulting with his acting coach about how excited he should be about owning a new Toyota when he reads for that car commercial part next week. While he's probably a very nice guy, he's by no means Anne's equal, and he can't possibly understand her life as a celebrity (and all of the ups and downs that go with it) quite like Jake can.

6. Because the mere mention of Taylor during the promotional tour of Love and Other Drugs did not amuse Anne. And, as someone eloquently pointed out, you don't want to piss off Ella Enchanted

7. According to Jake, Anne is "the sh-t" and they have great "sexual rhythm" together: "Annie and I had already had sex on film in Brokeback Mountain, so I wasn’t too nervous...There's something about the way Annie and I both work which is inherently very musical. It's all about rhythm. There's a rhythm to writing, there's a rhythm to sports and there's a rhythm to sex."

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8. The two also reportedly did a lot of dirty-talking, both on and off-screen! "We talked about what we thought was sexy, about what were the things that interested us, and through the discussion became pretty intimate with each other," Jake revealed during an interview with British Esquire.

9. Jake didn't even invite Taylor to the L&OD premiere, reportedly because he spends a lot of time in the movie without clothes on, and he didn't want her to see him naked, reports PopEater.com. All of this prancing around, going on ice cream and apple-picking dates, and they haven't even seen each other in the birthday suits yet? Jesus. We thought Taylor was 20, not 14. Meanwhile, not only has Anne seen all of Jake's wobbly bits, he's seen hers too on multiple occasions.

Point, match, score. Victor, Hathaway.