Community: 5 Ways To Tell Him What You Need

By clare — Written on Feb 23, 2010

You've had a crush on him forever. Finally, he calls you to go out for a spur of the moment dinner and drinks! This is perfect. You're on cloud nine! After a few dates, however, you begin to notice an annoying pattern. He doesn't makes plans in advance! Spontaneity is great, but come on! You have a a job, fabulous friends and a booming social life. You don't have time to sit and wait by the phone for him to call… and why should you have to? A planned date is necessary.

Men aren't mind readers. Therefore, you can't expect him to meet your standards and expectations unless you let him know what your standards are. I refer to the process of making your expectations known and understood as "boyfriend training." Boyfriend training is a fine art. When done right, he never even knows he was trained. Boyfriend training consists of a series of subtle hints, jokes and compliments that coax him into changing his undesirable behavior (like texting you for a spur of the moment date) into a desirable behavior (calling you a day or two in advance for a planned date). The key here is to remember that training a man is NOT the same thing as changing him. It is simply a way of making your expectations for this relationship understood and giving him the choice whether or not to meet your expectations and continue this relationship. Here is how to do it:

1) Positive Reinforcement!
Men are a lot like small children. They respond well to compliments. On the occasion that he actually does call you in advance, compliment him. Tell him you love it when a man takes that kind of initiative. Show him it makes you happy by rewarding him with extra affection, smiles and thank yous. Once he realizes that it gets your motor running, he will be sure to keep it up.

2) Gentle Jokes
Men relate to humor. So, next time he calls you for a spur of the moment hangout, rather than a planned date, make a joke about it. Be funny, but let him know that you are serious too. This is a gentle push in the right direction.

3) Tell Him Flat Out What You Need
This one is the MOST IMPORTANT step. NEVER be afraid to flat out tell him what you like and don't like. It's OK to ask someone to treat you in a way that makes you feel cared for and important. Of course, in a new relationship, it's usually a good idea to approach this with a bit of delicacy. But, make sure you approach it nonetheless. If the problem is that he sometimes texts you for a date and you expect a phone call, you could simply respond via text "I only go out with boys that call me." This is a playful, yet honest way to let him know what it takes to date you. Believe me, if he likes you he will pick up the phone! And if he doesn't respond well, or makes you feel like you are too demanding, dump him. You deserve to be treated like a lady.

4) Make Him Think It's HIS Idea
The key to training is SUBTLETY. Do it right, and he will think that his newfound habit of opening doors for you is HIS idea. He will automatically associate his recent habit of chivalry with affection for you. Here's an example of how it works: Position yourself so that he approaches the door before you. Since he gets there first, he will open the door for you to walk through. At that point, say "Awww, I LOVE it when a man opens doors for women! Your mama raised you right. You are a keeper!" This subtle positioning followed by a compliment sealed the deal. Now, he will open doors for you every time!

5) NEVER Humiliate Or Put Him Down!
There is nothing that pisses me off more than a woman who belittles a man and makes him feel like he is incapable of pleasing her or taking care of her. Women who do this are not trying to "train" him (helping him understand her expectations), they are trying to control him. When a woman makes her boyfriend/husband feel incapable and belittled, she makes him feel like less of a man. This will no doubt breed resentment and start a power struggle. Control creates an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship. It is a blaring sign of low self-esteem. Therefore, NEVER humiliate or put down a man as a way of "training" him. You can get your point across in a loving and respectful way. Nobody likes a bitch!