With contraptions like these, who needs one-night stands?
Real Touch, my friends, is the closest horny, scientific sex toy geniuses have come to mimicking the female vagina. Or mouth. Or anus.
Fellas, shelve the Lubriderm!
This new football-sized sex toy works by strapping it on, plugging into your computer, and pressing "play" to the 30-minute porn that comes with the device. The action corresponds with motion cues sent over a U.S.B. from your computer.
The Real Touch electronically simulates the mouth, vagina and anus of the porn star on your screen. If she deep throats—so does your handy Real Touch. If she wants sex in the back door—it's your Real Touch's job to make that sensation as realistic as possible.
Or if "he" wants it in the backdoor for that matter. If you're less into Michele and more into Michael, the Real Touch also has a gay version.
To make the her tight, rubber bands run up and down inside the case. To make her moist, a reservoir trap releases a lubricant. Meanwhile, an internal heating element makes the football-shaped male sex toy a smoldering 98.6 degrees.
My God. This is groundbreaking. There may never be a reason for men to leave their computers. The Real Touch doesn't judge, nag, or reject. It just dilligently pleases.
Athough it isn't on the market yet, the Real Touch website has a rather humorous NSFW infomercial. It's tentatively priced at $150, with one 30-minute video, some lube and free shipping.
Hey, man. Could be worth it. If you're seriously just looking for someplace warm to stick it—at least tap an option that won't call you crying and slash your tires.