By christan marashio — Written on Dec 28, 2009
Hi Moxie --
I hope you are well - happy holidays!
I wanted to ask about something that's been on my mind lately, particularly
after your recent post about f-buddies. I'm single far more often than in a
relationship, and I'm faced with potential f-buddy situations more than I am
actual or potential relationships (sad but true and also - I acknowledge -
partly my doing/"fault"). I have a tendency to get attached so for the most
part limit casual sex/hooking up to guys I don't really know and thus won't get
attached to because I just don't care about them. However, when it comes to
people you know better, are attracted to and want to hook up with, how do you
reconcile the desire to be physical and spontaneous with the desire to someday
be in a relationship and find the right person? Sometimes I don't realize until
I'm too far gone that this is someone I might actually want to be in a
relationship with, and at that point it's far too late because I've already
communicated through my actions that that's precisely what I don't want. Is the
moral of the story that you just shouldn't screw around to begin with unless
that is ALL you'll ever want from the situation? Are you supposed to wait until
the guy asks you out or ask them out/hint towards that because I feel like
saying something to him along the lines of you might want more is just too much
too soon. Is there a way to be assertive from the get go and get the
physical side that you crave? I'd love whatever insight you have into this; I
am realistic about the negative prospects when it comes to turning an f-buddy
into anything more, but am wondering what you do before things even being,
really.
after your recent post about f-buddies. I'm single far more often than in a
relationship, and I'm faced with potential f-buddy situations more than I am
actual or potential relationships (sad but true and also - I acknowledge -
partly my doing/"fault"). I have a tendency to get attached so for the most
part limit casual sex/hooking up to guys I don't really know and thus won't get
attached to because I just don't care about them. However, when it comes to
people you know better, are attracted to and want to hook up with, how do you
reconcile the desire to be physical and spontaneous with the desire to someday
be in a relationship and find the right person? Sometimes I don't realize until
I'm too far gone that this is someone I might actually want to be in a
relationship with, and at that point it's far too late because I've already
communicated through my actions that that's precisely what I don't want. Is the
moral of the story that you just shouldn't screw around to begin with unless
that is ALL you'll ever want from the situation? Are you supposed to wait until
the guy asks you out or ask them out/hint towards that because I feel like
saying something to him along the lines of you might want more is just too much
too soon. Is there a way to be assertive from the get go and get the
physical side that you crave? I'd love whatever insight you have into this; I
am realistic about the negative prospects when it comes to turning an f-buddy
into anything more, but am wondering what you do before things even being,
really.
Thanks for any help/advice you might have!
Take care,
Katie (27 and in Chicago if you want to use it in your column :))
You answered your own question.
Is the
moral of the story that you just shouldn't screw around to begin with unless
that is ALL you'll ever want from the situation?
Yes. That's the moral of the story. For starters, the guy isn't
going to do the right thing and cut things off or not take things to
f-buddy territory for you. He might eventually cut things off because
he doesn't want to feel the guilt or have his life inconvenienced. But,
most times, he's not going to weigh the pros and cons of having casual
sex with a woman. He's just going to do it. So he isn't going to be
responsible for you or your feelings. And really, it's not his job.
That's your job.
If the f-buddy situation presents itself, and it's with a guy that
you could see yourself falling for, then there's nothing wrong with
saying, upfront, that you don't think sex would be a good idea because
you know yourself well enough to know you'll get attached. You don't
have to profess feelings. You can tell him that you like him enough
that you think the lines would get blurred and that the few hours of
rolling around in the sheets might not be worth how you'd feel after.
In fact, men WANT us to be more responsible and communicative in these
situations. Most guys are good guys. When they get horny, they're just
not thinking about what it right or wrong. We kind of HAVE to be the
clear headed ones in those situations.
I have said, from the day this blog started, that anybody should
have the freedom to do whatever they choose. If they want to have
casual sex, fine. If they want a relationship, fine. Just be honest
with yourself about what you want and who you are. And realize that
allowing yourself to be sidetracked too often when you know in your
heart that you want a relationship will only serve to keep that goal
further out of reach.
This is a section from a chapter sample (read the whole chapter sample here) from my book proposal that I think kind of fits here. The title of the chapter is No Myth, based on the Michael Penn song. The tune, told from a man's
perspective, is about a woman who sort of flits through life, dating
and sleeping with man after man, never settling down with any of them
for whatever reason.
What if I were Romeo in black jeans?/What if I was Heathcliff? It’s no myth/Maybe she’s just looking for someone to dance with.
Maybe she's just looking for someone to dance with. Translation: Maybe the reason why she can never find what she wants is
because she doesn't know what she wants.Or does, but is afraid of it. I
guess what it all comes down to is this. In order to find someone
worthy of you, that fits, you have to know what you really want. Until
you have a very specific idea of what kind of relationship you seek and
determine what it is you bring to the table – be it in good qualities
or bad – and own them, you will continue to find men that aren’t quite
right.
This means not allowing yourself to get side tracked or deluding
yourself. We all like a little fun here and there. We all love the idea
of having options. But continue to rely on this idea of endless supply
of possibilities and you will find yourself, like the cheese, standing
alone. Now, maybe that’s okay by you. (Though , if it were, I don’t
think you’d have read this far.) Perhaps you are perfectly content with
your life as a swinging single. More power to you. But don’t let this
fear of looking weak prevent you from being honest with yourself about
what it is you truly want. It’s funny. Women will casually and freely
announce that they’re just looking to get laid and will go and do so.
For some reason, that’s considered empowering. Yet admitting that you’d
like to have a partner or that you feel life would be that much better
if you had someone to share it with for some reason is frowned upon and
makes us look needy or desperate. Don’t buy in to that. Because if you
tell yourself that too often and for too long, you’ll start to believe
it, and then everybody you attract will bring with them that same kind
of fear.
The only way to find what you're looking for is to first be honest
with yourself about what that is. And then sticking to that game plan.
Nobody is saying you can't break loose every so often. But F-Buddies
are like pretzels. You can't stop at just one. And pretty soon you'll
have a string of lovers in your wake because you've spent so much time
hiding behind or settling for that that you won't know what you want
anymore.
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