Judgment Day

Sex, Self

I've had the urge to write a follow-up blog to my 'Single Again: Hits and Misses' post, but life has been happening and I've been unable to sit down and focus energy on writing. I was just browsing today, and found out that I was selected as one of YourTango's '10 Users Who Rock' by Lyz. I'm so proud to be selected out of the tons of YT users, and I greatly appreciate the nod!

So, as of the last post I wrote, I believe I had just gone out on a date with a FireMedic (Firefighter/Paramedic), and was gushing about how into him I was, but of course, I was still seeing the married Police Officer.

Well, that was over two months ago.

In that period of time, I've been on numerous dates and become intimate with the FireMedic, and some very interesting things have came to light. There are some issues and I've been trying to figure out the best way to find a solution to those issues, but that's another post altogether.

In late May, I found out that I wasn't the only person the married one was having an affair with, and "crushed" doesn't begin to cover how I felt. I confronted him and of course, he denied it. He and I didn't talk for a few weeks, and then the Saturday before Father's Day he and I got together and I forgot all about all of his flaws once I was back in his arms.... Wait, here comes the kicker, about a week later, I found out that there was another one...yeah, another one, he has three mistresses....However, finding out about the latest one wasn't as crushing as the first, I just thought he was a pig. Everything I thought was special between he and I was now not special and meant nothing to me.

So, I brewed and brewed over all that I knew, and finally decided to confront him again. However, this time, I revealed all that I knew, including names, and he didn't deny that he knew the women, he just denied that he'd ever done anything with either of them. I knew he was lying and it infuriated me and at this point I realized that I had gone beyond that care-free mistress attitude, and realized that I had feelings for this man. I had shrugged off the thought of feeling for him numerous times, but now as I stood in front of him, staring into his eyes, knowing that he was lying, I thought, do I love this man?

I kissed him and as he walked out the door, I asked myself, "if I love this man, how?"

So, a few days later I tell him about the FireMedic, no specifics just referred to him as the significant other...he doesn't say anything.

Regardless, that brings us to today, when I just text him out of no where and tell him I was thinking about him, he replies, "your man can take care of you." Hmm...this response tells me that mentioning of the "significant other" really did get to him and jealously on his part is starting to show.

We sent a few messages back and forth, then out of no where it happened, I tell him that I don't even know why I bother with him because I know he couldn't care less about me....

Him: "Sorry you feel that way"
Me: "Either it's true or not, no two ways about it, I used to think you cared, but not so much anymore, sure it might be a bad day, but I'd rather know where I stand with everyone instead of wondering or waiting to see what they say or do next."
Him: "There again, sorry you feel like that"
Me: "How am I supposed to feel? You're the only person I want, and guess what I can't have? You. If there was you, there would never be anyone else, ever. I know what I feel about you and I can't change that."

He hasn't responded.

I feel so enthralled right now. I was given a nod because of my honesty about this relationship, how it works, why it works, and now it's judgment day. I really do care about this man, but I of all people, know more about what he does than his wife. I know all about his affairs and all that he has been doing and it infuriates me that she can't see it!

Seriously, if I can figure out that he has been seeing more than just me outside of his marriage, why can't she? What is wrong with this picture? Sure, my methods are unusual, but all of the information is concrete (I got a copy of an email one of the women sent to him with pictures of her vajayjay [in the words of Oprah], how much more concrete can you get?) If I were his wife, I could nail him for being unfaithful, and that's what gets me. She has no clue.

This relationship has worked because I allowed it to work. I never call or text him when he's home, I don't hint around or say things in the presence of others that would cause suspicion, and I've been the "good paramour."

However, what I'm doing isn't fair to the FireMedic. I spoke with him today and while we were talking, I was joking with him about going out of town and he says, "hey, at least I'm not cheating on you, this is legit."

I believe this has become a day of reckoning and has produced the need for a solution. Now, I know that I've got to start acting and can no longer sit back and allow all of this to unfold. The most probable solution is to ditch the married one and move on.

Although, I know it's not going to be that simple...