Key To Finding A Good Man? Self-Respect

vixen manual karrine steffans

If you're at all familiar with former video vixen Karrine "Superhead" Steffans' past escapades, as chronicled in her New York Times bestselling memoirs Confessions of a Video Vixen and The Vixen Diaries, then you might wonder how she can get away declaring that the way to find, seduce, and keep the man you want is through self-respect. But she knows what she's talking about, and you can be sure that she has more than one tantalizing tip to offer in her new book The Vixen Manual.

Dedicated to her husband Darius McCray, aka Family Matters' Eddie Winslow, Ms. Steffans draws upon her own trial-and-error dating experiences with the likes of Usher, Jay-Z and consummate playboy Bill Maher to cover every aspect of a woman's search for the right mate. From learning how to appreciate being single to what it really means to "settle" for the right man, Steffans advice will absolutely have you laughing out loud and (seriously) snapping your fingers "oh yes" on more then one occasion.

In this excerpt, Steffans lays out some ground rules to help you get on your way. First up: All men are not dogs, because if they were, we'd all be bitches. And we know that's not true, right ladies?

From The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want by Karrine Steffans. Copyright 2009 Corinthian Order. Published by Grand Central. Available wherever books are sold. All rights reserved.

We each attract a certain type of man, depending on how we carry ourselves. Don't expect to have a respectful man if you, for instance, curse like a sailor. Such behavior always reflects more negatively upon you than it does to those you're cursing. As for other important aspects of your life, if you don't have any goals, principles, power, or worth, then what makes you believe you can attract a man who has any of those qualities? You are what you attract, whether you like it or not.

Contrary to what you may believe, we are not designed to follow the lead of men. They are made to follow us, at least when it comes to male and female relations. In the days before the sexual revolution, a man could never hope to lay with a self-respecting woman unless he first made her his wife. But then things changed. During the bra-burning "free love" period of the sixties and the "I am woman, hear me roar" days of the seventies, these ideals changed drastically. Women who were sexually liberated were seen as hip and progressive, in charge of their lives, able to bed as many men as they chose without fear of being frowned upon. Men followed along because we set the rules, not them.

Once the rules changed for women, the expectations of marriage, monogamy, and fidelity did as well. Men have been following us all this time and we have led them to what they, in general, have now become. As a gender, we set the tone. If none of us ever fell for bad boys, there would be no bad-boy stories to tell. It's my personal belief that even though men go through so-called bad-boy periods, they really want to be respectful to women. They want to be loved and cared for, just like us. But why doesn't that happen? you ask. Because we get in the way. If we don't know how to demand respect, love, appreciation, and care, then even the most well-meaning man will be unable to meet those needs for us.

How many of you have dated a man only to watch him treat you—and the other women he's simultaneously dating—badly, without remorse or regard for the impact of his behavior? Then, miraculously it seems, that same no-good man suddenly turns his life around, settles down with one woman, and becomes the model husband. How can it be? This is the part where most clueless women will say, "He cheated on me, so he'll cheat on her, too." But what if he doesn't?

The truth is, most men only do what they want to and you can never make them be or do something that makes no sense to them. The extended truth is that some women, based on how little they value themselves, are only good for having sex with. Some are just good for living with. Some are the kind you come close to marrying, but not quite. But when a man meets a woman who has it all together, both for himself and herself, then he can make a life-changing decision in what might seem like the blink of an eye. This is the one, he says to himself. No one else compares to her. If this makes him a dog, then it most certainly puts you in the category of one of his bitches if he has merely sexed you or consumed years of your life with cohabitation but no permanent commitment, and then moved on. Watch: Will Living Together Ruin Your Relationship?

There were plenty of men in my life who have treated me horribly, but they would have never had the chance to do so if I hadn't let them. Those same men who treated me poorly were kind and respectful to others, because that's what those others demanded of them. A man will treat you according to what he sees you'll allow. What you need to understand is that it is never too late or too early to change; even if you've been mistreated, you can still do something about it. Quiz: Do You Fall For Bad Boys?

Trust me, ladies, I understand that you're human and in need of affection and intimacy. But what I also understand is that in this sexually adventurous age, we spend most of our sexual life on people who do not truly love us. The act of loving is so much deeper than most of us realize or ever experience. It is not just an emotion but also a way of being. It is a decision, a vow. If you don't make a decision about the value you place on yourself and your emotions, you can and will probably be violated somehow. I'm not trying to make it sound like you're the reason for the bad behavior of the men in your life. That is certainly not true. Some people just aren't good people, no matter what you do or who you are. But if you pay attention and are thinking clearly, you'll be able to spot a person like this a mile away. If you are not so desperate, so lacking in self-confidence, empowerment, and worth, then you should be able to sift through the men who do not mean you well.

From THE VIXEN MANUAL by Karrine Steffans. Copyright © 2009 by Corinthian Order. Used by permission of Grand Central Publishing. All rights reserved.

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