Still Running Away

Heartbreak, Self

This is the part where I confess to all of you what most people in my life have no idea about.  I think what I have done is sneaky and dishonest.  It may make me a horrible person.  That didn't stop me from doing it.  I got married at 20 years old.  The pudgy, plain 20 year old who was so excited to have someone look at her that she didn't take the time to see if the man was right for her.  We had a whirlwind courtship and were married in a wedding chapel 7 months later with six people in attendance.  Things turned ugly very quickly.  Charlie (not his real name) had a volatile temper and was more often than not without a job.  We were always struggling financially and I would shrink from his violent temper.  It eventually escalated to physical abuse.  He once knocked me to the ground and wrestled me against it to keep me from going to church.  He alienated me from my family, forbidding me to go and see my mother.  I tried and tried, putting my best effort forth for the first five years, but eventually I just gave up.  I also discovered internet chatting.  This is where I went wrong.  I met someone online.  Someone who was the man of my dreams, who took my breath away and was everything I ever wanted.  I soon told Charlie it was over, that he could live in the house with me but we were no longer together.  I met Sacha (name also changed) for the first time a few months later.  Our first meeting was disastrous.  Neither one of us was anything like what the other had expected.  This did not however prevent us from having hot and sensuous sex about 20 times in four days.  By the time I left I was completely in love with him.  He had no idea that Charlie and I were still married and still living in the same house together.  We did the long distance thing for about 4 months and Sacha got impatient.  I lived too far away and he wanted to see me all the time.  Eventually he broke up with me and I did the dumbest thing of all.  I initiated sex with my husband.  I came clean to Sacha about the sex but not who it was with.  He said he would never be able to forgive me.  Eventually though he came around and we got back together.  I left my husband and moved in with Sacha, but I did not tell my husband I was leaving, just packed up the car early one morning and left.  Sacha and I were together for 2 and a half years, conceiving and losing a baby together.  I never told him I was still married.  I also never got a divorce, being terrified of my still husband.  I am still legally married to him. Sacha left me eventually. He had to, there are reasons I won't go into as That is not my story to tell.  But, I screwed a man over and over again while still married to another.  I am sure that makes me a whore and worse.


Expert advice

Save your breath because you only need two words to make him commit.
Are you REALLY thinking about their happiness?
If you keep finding yourself in heartbreaking, dead end relationships, listen up.
It seems like you can't do anything right.