Dating Advice: What To Do When He Doesn’t Call

Don't fret. Here's advice to help you out.

By single-ish — Written on May 31, 2009

Dating Advice: What To Do When He Doesn’t Call

I thought I’d do a post-mortem on the boys I went out with the week before my trip. Well, not a post-mortem because two of the guys are still alive and on the table. Zac and the British Guy have stayed in touch. How To Be Single (Around The World)

Remember James, the one who took me to dinner and a concert in Brooklyn? He told me he would call but he never did. Was I disappointed? Of course. But I’ve learned not to take it personally. It’s probably about him. Men are often too focused on themselves or what they’re doing to give one woman all the attention she requires (well…I like a lot of attention). He’s just more into himself or lots of other people. What Guys Really Think About Sex

Here are some other things I do (or don’t do):

Don’t interfere. Some girls like to follow up, but I find I get my answer a lot quicker if I observe his (non-) behavior. Actions speak louder than words. Don’t push or prod—even if you’re just being casual and friendly or writing a breezy one-liner on his Facebook wall. He’ll feel obligated to answer back. But if you sit back and watch, he’ll reveal how he truly feels. I would never call and say, “It’s Sarah. Remember me? From Tuesday night? I never heard from you—did you have a good time? So, what’ve you been up to?” You might mistake a pleasant conversation for genuine interest. But the truth will come out much faster if you kick back and relax. Remember Professor Randy “Last Lecture” Pausch’s advice? "When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it's really simple: just ignore everything they say, and only pay attention to what they do."

Don’t analyze. You will never know why he stopped calling, but the point is that you have all the information you need. If he’s the guy who will be taking you to meet his parents in three months, he will call the next day or very soon after. (I’ve dated that guy.) In the end, that’s the person you want, not someone who’s only half-interested, or thinks you’re superhot but doesn’t feel like being anyone’s boyfriend right now. Simply say, “He’s just not that into me” or Erin’s Law, which is “Eventually, every guy stops calling.” (And I don’t mean this in a negative way! It’s just that the hundreds of men who are attracted to you can’t all be The One.)

Remember that it’s his loss! Do not second-guess yourself. You were not too fat, too talkative, or too prudish. (Of course, I might have done something different if given the chance, but I will never say I wasn’t enough.) If he doesn’t call, that’s his issue. He didn’t realize he had the whole package in front of him, ripe for the picking. That’s idiotic, and I don’t want to be with an idiot. If you go down the path of “Was I not good enough,” that will lead to insecurity, which just might show through when you’re on a date later with someone who’s a legit potential.

Keep your options open. Have a few guys waiting in the wings. Everyone needs a distraction or two!

What do you think? Am I too passive/harsh/old-fashioned? I’ve always found that men are happiest when taking the lead, so I don’t initiate even harmless chit chat. That way, I don’t waste any time chasing someone who honestly isn’t dying to know me more (but is just too polite to say so).

P.S. What do you tell yourself to get over being dumped?