12 Ways To Be Confident In Your Relationship (And Stop Feeling Insecure)
Feeling a little insecure? Learn how to strengthen your union.
Roman Samborskyi / Shutterstock Even the most rock-solid couples feel insecure about their relationships sometimes.
As part of a YourTango survey, we asked readers to fill in the blank: "I have the most confidence in my relationship when my partner/spouse ____."
The top two most popular answers were "compliments me/tells me how they feel about me" and "really listens to me/gives me their full attention."
But what do other couples and relationship experts have to say? How do you build confidence in your relationship alongside your partner at times when it is lacking?
We asked some YourTango experts to weigh in with their best suggestions as well, and here's what they had to say.
How to be more confident in a relationship
1. Stay in the present.
On a daily basis, take time for yourself to clear your mind and set your intention for how you will be in your relationship. Repeat positive affirmations that reinforce the feelings that you want to feel.
2. Have a positive mindset.
Take stock of your relationship as it is and identify the wonderful things that you're already experiencing, as well as concrete examples of things you would like to improve.
Express gratitude for your blessings every day, and know that you have the power to respond with love in all other areas, and exercise your power to create a life that excites you.
3. Let go of what's holding you back.
Ask yourself why you have allowed your confidence to falter in this relationship. Is it possible that you sabotage your relationship with negative patterns of thought or behavior driven by a little but loud voice that says you aren't worthy of love?
Acknowledging limiting beliefs is important, but so is learning to let them go.
4. Know what you want.
Clarity breeds confidence, while fear and doubt threaten your self-esteem. See yourself in the relationship of your dreams and imagine all you want is possible.
Going back to the previous point, however, don't let yourself be boxed in by self-limiting beliefs.
Relationship coach Marilyn Sutherland says, "You trust yourself to get what you need — you don't need to know everything."
5. Build the life you always wanted.
While this may be a side effect of your newfound confidence, this step is really about engaging yourself in a commitment to create a life that excites you.
Make a declaration, because you're worthy of having a loving and fulfilling relationship. Believe that you have the capacity to love and be loved.
Sutherland advises, "One way of looking at confidence is knowing you are worthy of love, and owning your gifts and talents."
6. Start walking the walk.
Actions speak louder than words, so start making confident choices that are true to your commitment and your vision.
Your confidence will soar, and you will reap the rewards because you're stepping into your power and making your choices count.
7. Express your whole self.
Naturally, your biggest supporter in this relationship is your partner, so share your dreams and challenges with them.
Communicate the changes you would like to make, and express your feelings and your intentions with confidence.
8. Come from a place of compassion.
Whenever I see couples responding to each other with eye rolls or sighs, I give them a 50% chance of making it. The reason for this is that eye rolling sends a message of contempt.
It's very difficult to respond openly or lovingly to someone who has contempt for you. So, if openness and loving is what you want from your partner, stop rolling your eyes.
9. With each step, lead with gratitude.
Before complaining to your partner about something, thank them for something they did for you today.
By expressing gratitude, you alter your biochemistry. One big benefit is that your posture, tone of voice and facial expression also change toward your partner.
10. Spark intimacy with touch.
Sex and sensuality are two different things, and relationships require both.
Contrary to popular belief, sensual touching does not have to lead to sex.
Prove it to yourself: Plan a playful and sensual date night with your spouse that does not include sex.
11. Exercise routinely.
This will not only make you feel better about yourself physically, but it will also improve your mood and help boost hormones.
Resistance training has been shown to increase sex hormones while tightening those trouble spots.
12. Feed your body.
Eating better food will clear your mind and boost your energy.
When people go off diets or eat poorly, they often get down on themselves. This mental baggage can carry over into daily activities and relationships. So, add fruit and veggies into your daily routine and skip processed foods.
In accomplishing the steps above, in time, you will come to realize how strong, capable and beautiful you are as an individual.
Ultimately, confidence — in or out of a relationship — comes from taking care of yourself and the acts of love you show, and bestow upon, yourself.
True confidence is something that can only come from within. It isn't something transactional that's predicated on external actions or events.
Author and Clinical Hypnotherapist Keya Murthy affirms this by explaining that "You need healthy self-esteem and self-worth to feel good about yourself. Insecurity and confidence are both internal affairs and doing external things give you temporary results but will still keep you feeling insecure and bad about yourself."
When you're confident in your relationship, you're happier in who you are and, in turn, you're more fulfilled in your relationship, and the more you're able to show your worth and value to the person who loves you.
With this understanding, their love for you will continue to grow, as will your love for each other.
Lisa L. Payne is a life transitions coach, motivational speaker, and author of the book, "What If They Knew? Secrets of an Impressive Woman." Ashley E. Seeger, LCSW, is a psychotherapist who specializes in couples counseling.