It all begins with the first contact we have with a man and we ask ourselves, "does he like me?" However, at this point, men are on a completely different page, and this is helpful for women to understand.
- If he writes to you, calls you, talks to you, asks you out, or is sitting across the table from you — this means HE LIKES YOU! Generally, men don't shop, they buy. They walk into a store and buy a shirt or a pair of shoes. They know what they want quickly and go for it.
- So, yes, he likes you. But he's not sure you like him. This is also good for women to know, because he may treat the first date like a job interview. (He likes you, so he wants to impress you.)
Men are very clear that women are in the driver's seat when it comes to relationships. Think of men as being the car. Women encourage them and they step on the gas. We let them know our boundaries and they step on the brake. When I tell my female coaching clients these facts, they usually don't believe me. However, over time, the women start to understand that believing these facts is empowering.
Back to my first comment of "does he like me?" I tell my coaching clients that the first question they should ask instead is, "do I like him?" Remember… he already knows he likes you or he wouldn't be there. So, how do you know if you like him? To figure this out, ask yourself:
- What traits do I like in men?
- What do I want and need from a relationship with a man?
- What traits do they have to have?
- What traits would be deal breakers?
- The answers to these questions start out with asking yourself:
- What's important to me?
- What am I passionate about?
- What turns me on? What turns me off?
In my five years of coaching, I often ask new female coaching clients to define who they are (mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually) and what they bring to a relationship. Many women don't really know because they haven't thought about it. And when I ask them what they want and need in a man in these same categories, they often don't know that either.
Here's an important truth: Men fall in love with us when we’re being our authentic selves.
Have you ever had this experience? You meet a man and he makes your heart race, your body run hot, and your thoughts turn to mush? And then you start thinking you can't talk about your true feelings around him, you can't laugh, eat, and behave like the real you? Is it then a surprise when he ends up not attracted to you?
How about this scenario: you meet a man who becomes a good friend. You feel so comfortable around him that you can talk about anything with him. You can call him when you have a problem (you probably complain about the heart-racing man to him), he can see you without make-up and yet you're "just not attracted to him." Then, at some point down the road, you find out that this good-friend-who-is-a-man wants to become your boyfriend. And you don’t understand WHY? The answer is simple. Men fall in love with us when:
- We know who we are.
- We feel confident and comfortable staying in our authentic selves all the time.
- We're this way especially when we’re with them.
No one can love us more than we love ourselves. And when others try to give us more love than we think we deserve, we won't let it in.
So, how do love yourself more? Add yourself to the list of people you're nice to. I bet you're nice to your friends, family, coworkers, volunteer organizations, church, etc. Add yourself to this list. Often we're much nicer to others than we are to ourselves. What you do for them, do for yourself. Say encouraging things to yourself. For example:
- "I'm doing a good job."
- "I'm doing my best."
- "I deserve relaxing time."
- "I deserve time with my friends."
- "I deserve asking for help from people who will gratefully give it to me."
- "I can have do-overs for things I know how to do better now."
Say to yourself at least three times a day, "I love and accept myself just the way I am." This doesn’t mean you can't or won't do things differently tomorrow. By accepting who you are today, you'll be more able to give yourself permission to do something different tomorrow.
Loving and respecting ourselves tends to generate the same amount of love and respect from the people around us.
What does all this have to do with asking yourself "does he like (or love) me?" Here's the magic. First, start by loving yourself for all of who you are:
- Your great things.
- Your regular things.
- Your idiosyncrasies.
- Your quirks.
- The things your family thought were weird.
- The things other men (who were probably not a match for you) thought were wrong with you.
- The things your friends who love you love about you.
The amazing thing is — once you're able to love yourself more — you'll find you hardly ever have to ask the question "does he like (or love) me". The confident, self-loved, self-assured person you've become will know when you are loved. You'll recognize that you're in love with a man who is the best person for you. And even more importantly, this new you will be open to receiving the love of this wonderful man.
Please let me know what happens when you try my suggestions. Here's to you confidently having the love you desire and deserve.
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