The real question is whether or not you like yourself.
It all starts after that first contact with a wonderful man. We, as women, ask ourselves, "does he like me?"
However, at this point, men are on a completely different page, and here are two helpful things women really must understand:
- If he writes to you, calls you, talks to you, asks you out, or is sitting across the table from you—this means HE LIKES YOU! Generally, men don't shop, they buy. They walk into a store and buy a shirt or a pair of shoes. They know what they want quickly and go for it.
- So, yes, he likes you. BUT he's not sure if you like him. This is also good for women to know, because he may treat the first date like a job interview. (He likes you, so he wants to impress you.)
Men are very clear that women are in the driver's seat when it comes to relationships.
Think of men as being the car. When a woman encourages a man, he steps on the gas. We she lets him know her boundaries, he steps on the brake.
When I tell my female coaching clients this fact, they usually don't believe me. However, over time, the women start to understand that accepting this fact is EMPOWERING.
Back to my first question—"does he like me?" The first question you should ask instead is, "Do I like him?"
Remember… he already knows he likes you or he wouldn't be there. So, how do you know if you like him? To figure that out, ask yourself:
- What traits do I like in men?
- What do I want and need from a relationship with a man?
- What traits must he have?
- What traits are deal breakers?
These questions help you clarify what's important to you, what you're passionate about, and what turns you on (and off!).
In my five years of coaching, I often ask new female coaching clients to define who they are (mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually) and what they bring to a relationship.
Many women don't really know because they honestly haven't thought about it. And when I ask them what they want and need in a man in these same categories, they often don't know that either.
Why is that lack of clarity so problematic? Because of this important truth: Men fall in love with us when we’re being our authentic selves.
Have you ever had this experience? You meet a man and he makes your heart race, your body run hot, and your thoughts turn to mush? And then you start thinking you can't talk about your true feelings around him, you can't laugh, eat, and behave like the real you?
Is it really a surprise then when he ends up not attracted to you?
How about this scenario: you meet a man who becomes a good friend. You feel so comfortable around him that you talk about anything with him. You call him when you have a problem (you probably even complain about Mr. Makes-My-Heart-Race to him). This "friend" sees you without make-up and yet you're "just not attracted to him."
Then, at some point down the road, you find out that this good-friend-who-is-a-man wants to become your boyfriend. And you don’t understand WHY? The answer is simple. Men fall in love with us when:
- We know who we are.
- We feel confident and comfortable staying in our authentic selves all the time.
- We're this way especially when we’re with them.
No one can love us more than we love ourselves. And when others try to give us more love than we think we deserve, we won't let it in.
So, how do love yourself more? Start off by adding yourself to the list of people you're nice to.
I bet you're nice to your friends, family, coworkers, community volunteers, church members, etc. Add yourself to this list. Often we're much nicer to others than we are to ourselves. What you do for them, do for yourself. Say encouraging things to yourself. For example:
- "I'm doing a good job."
- "I'm doing my best."
- "I deserve relaxing time."
- "I deserve time with my friends."
- "I deserve asking for help from people who will gratefully give it to me."
- "I can have do-overs for things I know how to do better now."
Loving and respecting ourselves generates the same amount of love and respect from the people around us.
What does all this have to do with asking yourself "Does he like (or love) me?" Well, here's the magic—first, start by loving yourself for all of who you are ... your great things, your regular things, your idiosyncrasies, your quirks. Even for the things other men (who were probably not a match for you) thought were "wrong" with you.
Once you're able to love yourself more, you'll find you hardly ever have to ask the question "Does he like (or love) me".
The confident, self-loved, self-assured person you've become will KNOW when you're loved.
You'll recognize when you're in love with a man who is the best person for you. And even more importantly, this new you will be open to actually receiving the love of this wonderful man.
Please let me know what happens when you try my suggestions. Here's to you confidently having the love you desire and deserve.