If your balls look like a Pomeranian, we're going to have to resist the urge to pet them like one.
It's 2016 and everyone knows the word "manscape" by now, even if they despise it. And they know they gotta do it, because women have come to expect it. It's not that women want them to manscape; it's that women expect a certain amount of manscaping. You've got to tame the forest.
That means keeping all your hair a reasonable length — all of your hair. Yes, I'm talking about your pubic hair.
You face a few choices with your pubes. You can leave them au natural. Women hate that. It means we're going to get pubic hair in our teeth when we go down on you, if we're going to do a decent job. Hence, we're not going to do a decent job or go down on you at all, if you don't trim. We will avoid your bush at all costs.
We're even going to be a little bit skeeved when we reach back to grab your balls while we're having sex. If your balls look like a Pomeranian, we're going to have to resist the urge to pet them like one, and not in a sexy way. But Pomeranians bite. So we'll probably stay away. We are also going to be grossed out by licking your balls.
You can also trim them down — way down. This is mostly acceptable. It stops you from looking like a 12-year-old from the front. But it means you have to trim everything: if your hair goes up your shaft, it's gotta get a trim, and we're not going to deepthroat a penis with hair of any kind on it.
Your balls also get trimmed, and that's good. You've done some lumberjacking and tamed the forest. In theory, this should all be OK. Your pubic hairs won't get stuck in our teeth.
However, when you trim, you leave sharp ends on all your hairs. That doesn't feel good against our vagina. It doesn't feel good against our face when we're going down on you. This only lasts for a day or two, but it's brutal while it's happening.
So if you're planning on having sex in the next few days, you need to hold off on ball-trimming. Do make sure you get the perineum as well. We like to touch that to get you off harder, and it's a buzzkill to reach back and find it full of fuzz.
Your other option? Total hair removal. You can shave, you can Nair, you use whatever hair-removal sorcery you know of. But shaving your pubis and up your shaft makes your penis look bigger. It also makes it much more pleasant to go down on you.
And yes, it's a pain in the metaphorical ass to shave your balls. We know they're wrinkly and you're terrified of nicking them. That's OK. It might sting in the short-term, but that's nothing compared to what we're going to do to your balls when they're shaved.
We're going to lick them, slowly. We're going to cup them. We're going to play with them when we deepthroat you because since you shaved the hair on shaft, it's downright pleasant to deepthroat you.
We won't refuse to have sex with you if you haven't manscaped, of course. We'll just feel like you don't have a lot of consideration for us, and we're not going to put our faces into your forest. If you've trimmed and you're in the sharp phrase, you're going to give us road rash from sex.
But if you've shaved, we feel like you care about us. You want to have the best sex possible, and that means keeping us as comfortable as possible. So when we look down and realize you've shaved your balls, we sort of smile inside. You clearly know what you're doing.