10 Simple Things Women Want
What women want in relationships is really quite simple.
Besides the meaning of life and the ingredients of hot dogs, many a man has questioned "what exactly do women want?" We're not playing coy here, we know we're complex creatures. And, true, we operate on a different wavelength than men. The best example of our gender difference comes from an article we read last year about why men cheat. The most compelling testimony was from a transgender man who'd undergone hormone therapy during his transition. Thanks to testosterone, the man noticed less of an emotional attachment to sex and more of a physical urge to engage, regardless of consequences. Fascinating.
So, we're different. But, women aren't exactly the great mystery that men often make us out to be. The proof? We polled the YourTango staff and compiled a list of 10 simple things women want. Note: you won't find diamond rings or other fancy things anywhere on this list. While many women really do want luxury goods from men, when you break it down they are just physical representations of some of the points on this list. We promise.
Respect. Show us through your actions that you respect our opinions, careers, interests, friends, bodies and minds. You don't have to agree with all that we say or do, but try to honor our opinions as valuable contributions. Follow the golden rule and treat us as you would like to be treated: Be honest, fair, kind, and considerate.
Sex. Yes, we love sex. But, remember that there are four bases to cover in the bedroom, not just one. Try stopping at each base instead of being so focused on the home run—believe us, we'll thank you for it! Likewise, remember small physical touches like massages. One can never, ever, have too many shoulder rubs. And scratching our heads is pretty great, too.
Romance. It's another night on the couch with take-out and TiVo? Just because we're staying in doesn't mean the evening can't be romantic. Light a few candles and see where the night leads. Treat us like your girlfriend, even after we become your wife. Date nights, making out in the car, kissing like when we first started dating—all of the things that made us fall in love with you don't have to stop just because now there are bills to pay, a house to be cleaned, and kids that need to get bathed. Bring home flowers for no reason. We're not talking $100 bouquets of roses here. Even the $10 bouquets from the supermarket are enough to make us smile.
Discussion
Those are all well and good in THEORY. presuming we're talking about mentally, emotional and financially stable women. this IS a broad brush/broad stroke article that actually could be replaced with 10 things that TODAY'S women want starting with
1-a bottle of wine...first to drink then to bash over their men's heads
2-chocolate...on the dead man's dime of course
3-the dead guy's financial support by that i mean ..so the woman can STOP working
4-a good nail salon ..again on the man's dime
5-a nice car -bmw, hummer, porsche or something else unrealistic and completely impractical
THIS they pay for themselves so they can say they take care themselves while the dead guy pays for the rest.
6-girlfriends like the ones on sex and the city...only REAL ones of course ..because they grow on trees they aren't fictional charcters at all...in real life isn't half the cast lesbian? anyway
7-Free liposuction gift certs...why actually eat right and stay in shape when ya can just have the fat sucked out.
8-Vicodin or percocet ..simple aspirin will not do..there's no need for viagra or roofies if you have either of these or harder PRESCRIPTION drugs....they won't get the script..again this is the dead guy's prescription for something like say...a bad back-theREWARD for a life of hard work!!
9-Vodka/martinis/ expensive alcohol...for them to drink..we're SWINE...er i mean MEN ..we can swill BEER. this must be grey goose or of a higher ilk...because the dead guy can just go the $$ tree in the back yard, pluck off a feww leaves and that allows us...er HER ..to drink like
royalty.
10-total control that includes and not limited to control over - $$, the decor, what is watched on TV, where you live, what is worn, the dog/s, where the holidays are spent, what the dead guy is cooking for dinner, who the dead guy's friends are, the dead guy's favorite teams and sports and that's if he's lucky enough to watch sports.....
and of course all of that control JUSTIFIES the HEADACHES that the dead guy is, so she can go out with her friends pound chocolate while getting her nails done, after which her and her friends go to a martini bar and manbash whilst getting drunk off martini's that OTHER guys are buying her, so she can wreck the car be laid up for 2 months ,gain weight from inactivity get lipo and continue to take the dead guy's pills after she's been given a clean bill of health.
while dead guy goes to work to pay for all of this and is a JERK for not staying with her in her time of need so she bashes him over the head with an empty wine bottle
just try and be good to each other peeps!
too funny, an article gets written then a differing somewhat belittling but honest personal account of women gets written and let the gender war begin, yea men are a-holes women are witches now that thats out of the way.my 2 centson men yes uninformed on occasions, don't care in others, and really just don't understand what it is you're trying to convey in others. i am female and how do i take these wretched men's side? because i used to not tell him and expect him to read my mind, didn't work, i dated losers who weren't available emotionally or became abusive and that definately didn't work, and i in my most recent mistakes trying to make it work by over communicating, it all gets lost in translation and he gets confused about whether your saying you want him to look for a better job now because money is tight or you want him to go back to school for continuing education 1st because that would give him a better resume to find that job and good networks , but the economy is declining and he's lucky he's got a job in the 1st place so maybe he needs to count his blessings, but you also heard of all these fields that are not going under so maybe you should look into that and aunt martha said this about this one field oh and by the way did i tell you aunt martha has to have surgery on that nasty ingrown toenail? etc.......... confusing ? i know i exaggerated that because there are extreme people out there not because i am claiming any one of us women to be that extreme, but the point being tried it doesn't work. i know me and my girlfriends bounce ideas off one another like we're in the same brain and can completely keep up, but when you see that glazed look in his eye enough already. know what your primary objective is at that time, keep it short, concise, and spoken with love and he may not respond the way you want or at all, but he'll be more likely to remember it and think about your view if you don't recite a short novel. let him know how important it is to you and not that you get what you want, but that you warrant a response though it doesn't have to be right at that moment. i know this isn't fool proof and nothing can always work, but i asked him and he told me what i just told you in a short, concise, gentle way that took him about 3 months to answer, after asking him what i can do to make our relationship better. for the men out there who are ignorant and are saying he was probably just trying to shut me up, no we talk more now that he knows he's not under pressure. i commend both you men and women, we are such different creatures in how we relate. men be patient let us rant sometimes, we want nothing more than to have some happiness in our lives, and we chose to try and share it with you, so cut us some slack and maybe instead of telling us what not to do, you can suggest what we should do without us having to ask as well. we need to be thrown a bone once in a while too. we both are trying to reach the same goal. is it really that horrible that as long as we're on the road together that we look at and appreciate the view along the way through different eyes?
Single guys beware! They make it sound so simple until you've been married for a couple of years, have two kids, a mortgage, school and a carreer. Then they get all wrapped up in their own 'emotions' and start taking antidepressants which destroys their libido (but somehow not there capacity for adultery) and their ability to communicate on a healthy level.
First, ladies, let's admit that most of you have no idea what you want.
There real deal on this list:
Respect - simple enough; everyone wants to be respected
Sex - YEAH RIGHT! Most women lose all interest in sex after the first child. No longer is her husband the center of her world. The child takes his place for the next two decades, and if the guy is lucky he gets his wife back for retirement. I've seen my dad and countless other men experience this. Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky. My sons are now being emasculated by their mother because the law is biased in favor of women. It's THE civil rights issue of our time.
Romance - Again, after marriage and kids the woman is the one who puts a stop to romance; not the man.
Time - True enough. A woman wants you to spend twelve hours a day at work so she can have all the things she wants. When you get home from work, she's off to school. After school it's over for a quickie with her boyfriend while you puts the kids to bed. By the time she comes in at 1am, you are too exhausted for anything but sleep. Men, ask your women how many hours there are in a day. Somehow, I don't think they have any idea.
Dinner - I don't think there's anything wrong with a man preparing the evening meal if the circumstances warrant it. But, women expect you to come home after a twelve hour shift and fix dinner... ridiculous! I had to learn how to cook for myself after I got married. My wife would actually prepare the meal for herself and the kids and eat right in front of me. Guys, don't think that your woman isn't capable of this kind of behavior. I didn't think it could happen either.
Communication - Pfff... They don't want real communication. They only want you to say what they want to hear. And if you don't, you get the cold shoulder.
Consistency - I consistently worked my @ss off to provide a home with all the luxuries. But all that did was make me 'predictable'. I suppose if I had been unpredictable our marriage would have been saved. Women have no idea what they want.
Engagement - It's difficult to be engaging when you get the silent treatment for months on end. When you say those three little words every day, never to hear the obligatory response... it just kills your spirit.
Humor & Humility - This is actually two, but we'll play along. Humor is great when your dating, but again after kids and a mortgage there's little opportunity to sit around and cut-up. Sure, everybody likes a good laugh. It's just not a big part of most couples' day to day lives. Humility is code for submission. She wants you to let her have her way on EVERYTHING. If you don't, silent treatment, no sex, no dinner... I stood my ground on two very important issues in my marriage. Everything else went her way. But, that wasn't good enough. Men, show your assertiveness while dating. Not just occasionally, but constantly. If she doesn't like it, then you don't want her. It might seem trivial now, but when you are divorced and paying the same in child support that you pay for your mortgage, it will all make sense; but it will be too late.
Challenge - If marriage isn't a big enough challenge, then she's got a death wish. It will take every ounce of effort from both partners to make a marriage work. It is the biggest challenge any of us will ever undertake. With God's grace and a lot of luck, some of us will succeed. But, sadly, most of us won't.
Hey man I feel ya, not to that degree though, i have had past relationships , ones over a year that went to s**t, it felt as though i was married, she wanted everything her way, wont listen to an ounce of dissagreement, got angry at the most stupid things, and there was no relations at that point, then i found out she was cheating on me, nice guys finish last everyone remember that
Sounds like you've had a tough go of it. I do want to assure you there are many women out there who know exactly what they want. And I don't think your bad experience should make you think that all women are that way. That's an unfair generalization to them and to you.
And I disagree with a lot of what you say, especially the point about humor. A good sense of humor does come into play everyday. Whether laughing about loading the dishwasher or making a joke to diffuse a tense situation, humor is the best way couples can cope. I can think of a lot of times when my DH and I choose to laugh instead of taking ourselves seriously and it prevented a fight and those times are some of our best memories. And no, humility does not mean let her have her way, it just means the willingness to admit when you are wrong or made a mistake.
Now, that we know what we really want, we need to realize that it all is to complicated for our men to adhere to. How long would it take for a man to learn it practice it and begin to come close to it. From my experience any three out of the 10 in no particular order varying through the 10 at random times is what to expect.
Qverb- broad brush strokes, indeed. However; of the 10 items listed I, personally, find them to be relatively accurate. So how to convey this to a man? Try leaving notes on the bathroom mirror...TRY communicating the needs to him.... Withhold until you get your point across... Withdraw completely until you get your point across.... hmmm. None of it seems to work. GRADUALLY little things start to sprout, and hopefully from those sprouts blossoms form until one day you see that it's taken root. No, it doesn't happen all at once, but if I see signs of ATTEMPT and GENUINE trying- I'm a happy camper :-)
Vasha, tsk, tsk, your bitterness is apparent.
A nurturing instinct can bring out all 10. Part of it is getting the guy to recognize his ability to be a nurturing individual as well without losing his masculinity.
Unfortunately you have a culturally uphill battle on that one - and guys are simply not trained in the art of recognizing needs and fostering growth. We are trained to handle everything mechanically - based on principles and ideas - something should work, and if it doesn't we just keep doing it until it does work.
Sometimes hobbies fill that need to exercise nurturing activity - they become safe ways of feeding that instinct without facing judgment for their skill level, etc. Guys often mean well, but they are not trained to be observant - it takes a lot of practice to overcome tunnel vision also. And the less threatening of a childhood a guy has had, the less aware he is of the surrounding environment - without learning to be on the lookout for threats, he likewise doesn't learn the skill of observing and managing problems.
Guys on the flipside can become very frustrated when they feel like they have followed all of the principles of successful relationships and yet nothing seems to work. It can often feel like the woman is not living up to her side of the truth that we as men have always been told. Guys also can get used - in other words supplying all 10 of these things every day will not save a relationship or make it better if the woman involved is just using him for stuff.
It does seem pretty simple, and all of these listed is pretty much exactly what I would like. But let's be honest... Don't we tend to overlook these same things every once in a while? I always make sure at the end of the day to say thank you for the dinner he made (which is everytime I am over there *giggle) and I always make sure to tell him how much I appreciate us spending time together. Usually I get the response "Okay." I mean, seriously, my cat shows me more appreciation when I come home by meowing so much to the point of puking because she has missed me so much. Guess I would feel better if he barfed everytime I walked through his door. LOL At least then I would know for sure that he really missed me too.
Badly written. Not everyone is the same and "challenge" is the wrong word. Supportive ot he other's hopes and dreams Yes Civil war no. Romance; who are we kidding?
Dinner? Get real I have been cooking for most of my life food is fuel and I hate sitting at a table.
We all have baggage. We all have ideas of how it is supposed to be, We all act irrationally on these early conditionals. WE fail to negotiate. Love does not conquer all. There are many conflicts that we have not been taught to come to a compromise (if possible) or to stand out ground come what may.
In this American culture we are supposed to give up things which means retribution down the road. Do not think the other does not harbor resentment. They do. They are human.
I appreciate this article and the thought that went into it. It has shown me reasons why my eight year marriage has stumbled.
I agree with Qverb that women can do more to educate their men to understand their needs better.
Having been separated from my wife for three years, while still being in love with her, has led me to consider often what she as a woman has really wanted.
While I have been independently able to judge myself as deficient in nurturing a relationship with my wife, I was not able to see the picture as clearly as this article makes the point. In fact, most of my wife's complaints are covered in this simple (and with no angst!) list.
I now realistically consider the act of maintaining a healthy relationship with a worthy and appealing woman as much more of a challenge than I previously thought.
She would have to rate up there in importance with some of the greatest projects of my life! And with such emotional requirements, oh my!
I believe that I am forever humbled. (Lord do help us!)
Thanks for the rational approach. Good logic captures my heart every time!
I completely agree, I love it when my man cooks for me but what i like even better is when we do it together. One of us will find a new recipe and we decide to give it a try. I love accidentally bumping into each other which ends with a hug, kiss or a good laugh, or just the conversation that we keep going while one of us tends to pasta and the other makes the salad. Its a good time to hear about the others day and to spend time talking and laughing while we do something that isn't ones average idea of a date but something as simple as making food. I think that it is something that everyone should try.
Time is my top one on this list. Time hanging out together. Coming home from work with time to do dinner. Spending time picking out a birthday present or writing a card.
Spending money on someone is often easier than giving them your time. Time is what shows love.
Lets make a broad generalization that men are clueless for the most part...what are the ladies doing to help their guy understand that these things are important?
Thanks to my parents I learned pretty quickly that these items are all important, but it took my dad most of the 30+ years of marriage to my mom to start really understanding this, and the way she tried to get him to learn was mostly counter productive, such as "subtle" hints, some nagging, and lengthy periods of "silent treatment" when these actions didn't provide the results she wanted. Dad was pretty clueless, but to give him due credit, his parents were definitely not good role models at what a healthy marriage looks like. If you compare my dad to his father, my dad looks like prince charming!
Help your guys out ladies. Be straightforward and understand that your man will stray from this new path every now and again. It may be a totally new concept for him, so don't treat him like its something he should know already.
