Your Trauma Isn't Your Fault, But It Is Your Responsibility: 4 Free Healing Techniques If You Can't Afford Therapy
LOOK | Canva I'm the first to admit that I used to be a bad person.
That tends to happen when you're incapable of feeling empathy. My childhood trauma left me numb inside, so I was perpetually searching for someone or something that could make me feel again. As a young adult, I used people. I jumped from relationship to relationship with little regard for those I left behind. I skirted around the truth and existed in the gray areas of morality. But by my mid-20s, I started to suspect that maybe, just maybe, I was the problem.
Your trauma isn't your fault, but you still have to deal with it before it hurts someone else
So I went to talk therapy. I consulted doctors. I read self-help books. I did yoga, meditation, and Reiki. I went to a hypnotherapist, and then a shaman. I kept trying things until I found something that worked.
At 28 years old, I started EMDR: an evidence-based psychotherapy technique that uses back-and-forth eye movements to treat trauma. It cracked me wide open, and I spent the next four years revisiting and reprocessing those memories until they no longer controlled me.
Now, I'm back in my body. I feel empathy, and grief, and love, and heartache. I don't use people. I no longer lie, cheat, or abandon. I took responsibility for my trauma because I didn't want to pass it on to anyone else, the same way someone else had passed theirs on to me.
Unfortunately, some people use their trauma as an ongoing excuse.
A few months ago, I wrote an article called "How to Instantly Spot a Narcissist." To ensure that this article was accurate and credible, I cited scientific studies and interviewed a psychotherapist, a psychologist, and a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse.
One reader commented: "What we are talking about here are people who are deeply wounded and have mental health issues that make it difficult for them to have warm, loving relationships. You would not pathologize people who have physical disabilities because it causes you inconvenience; that would be just wrong, so it is also wrong to write articles pathologizing people with mental health disorders."
But is it "pathologizing" to help people navigate relationships with those who have maladaptive, destructive coping strategies? Is it morally wrong to give people the tools they need to protect themselves from getting sucked into the trauma cycle?
Certain trauma-induced behaviors aren't minor inconveniences. Research has linked narcissistic traits to a higher risk of intimate partner violence and emotionally harmful relationship patterns, but that doesn't mean every person with NPD is abusive.
I would know. I have plenty of lived experience. Growing up, my older brother had bipolar disorder and showed patterns I now recognize as covert narcissism. I've been navigating his manipulative threats, his selfish whims, his lies, and his violent outbursts since I was seven years old. Ultimately, he's the reason I ended up with a severe dissociative disorder.
I know he was hurting, and that's why he acted the way he did. But I was hurting, too, and I chose to internalize my pain and fix it before I could seriously hurt someone else. He, on the other hand, externalized his pain and passed it on to others.
Here's another real-life example: A man I know is prone to violent outbursts and excessive drinking because his stepfather physically beat him as a child. I feel deeply for him, but after he picked up an iron pole and tried to hit someone with it, he didn't apologize. He blamed his trauma.
His seven-year-old kid stood in the window watching the whole thing unfold. This guy is the first to point fingers at the people who made him this way, but the last to acknowledge that he's doing the same exact thing to his son.
Your trauma isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility to fix.
Taking responsibility for your trauma doesn't mean you're to blame for what happened to you. It doesn't mean you condone what other people did to you, or that you owe anyone forgiveness.
Taking responsibility for your trauma means realizing that you are the only one who can heal it, so it's your duty to do so before you hurt others. If you choose not to work on it, other people still aren't obligated to tolerate or absorb your pain.
I acknowledge that I'm privileged. For half of my healing journey, my health insurance covered a portion of my EMDR therapy. When I lost my health insurance, I could afford to pay out of pocket until my therapist and I finished treatment.
Not everyone can afford traditional therapy, and without these resources, most have no idea where to begin. Fortunately, certain somatic regulation and grounding techniques may help calm your nervous system when you're stuck in survival mode, and they're completely free.
Here are 4 free healing techniques if you can't afford therapy:
1. Expressive writing
In the 1980s, psychologist Dr. James Pennebaker conducted a series of studies in which he had people journal their thoughts and feelings surrounding a traumatic event.
While some participants felt a temporary spike in sadness or stress during or directly after the experiment, over time, many participants experienced improvements in anxiety, trauma symptoms, or physical health. Participants who journaled also went to the doctor less often and reported improved overall health compared to those who didn't.
Expressive writing is a research-backed technique that some people can try at home, for free. Studies show that putting traumatic memories into words helps the brain process them cognitively and emotionally, ultimately soothing the nervous system. It also provides a safe environment for people to release secrets and shame, which can cause a cascade of stress responses when bottled up.
How to do it:
- Choose a deeply emotional or stressful life experience.
- Write continuously about it for at least 20 minutes, focusing on your feelings and the event's impact. Do so without judgment or worrying about grammar, spelling, or punctuation.
- Complete this practice for four consecutive days.
- If desired, shred or destroy your writing after you're done to ensure privacy.
2. EFT tapping
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Developed by psychologist Dr. Roger Callahan and later simplified by engineer Gary Craig, the Emotional Freedom Technique (or EFT tapping) is an evidence-based somatic healing method that combines acupressure with exposure therapy.
While speaking both negative and positive statements aloud, you tap on various pressure points along the body, releasing intense emotions and opening your mind up to new beliefs.
Over 100 scientific studies have shown that EFT tapping can help release trauma, soothe the nervous system, stop ruminating thoughts, and improve multiple physiological markers of health.
Unresolved trauma can show up in the body, and somatic practices help the body safely release that trauma, so your nervous system can finally regulate. "Like acupuncture, EFT stimulates the major energy points on the body," said psychiatrist Dr. Lisa MacLean, "But instead of inserting needles into these energy hot spots, you tap them with your fingertips."
Some research suggests that tapping may help calm the body's threat response, including activity in the amygdala. Meanwhile, speaking your fears, traumatic memories, or negative thoughts out loud works like exposure therapy, helping you accept and rewire them.
How to do it:
You can find an EFT tapping video for just about any issue on YouTube. I recommend choosing one and following along to learn the technique.
- Pick one specific issue you want to address, and insert it into the following phrase: "Even though I [specific issue here], I deeply love and accept myself." (For example, "Even though I feel this rage inside of me, I deeply love and accept myself.”)
- Repeat that phrase three times while tapping on the "karate chop" point (the outer edge of your hand).
- Shorten the phrase to a few reminder words ("this rage") and repeat it over and over again as you progress through the next step. Alternatively, you can describe the feeling, talk about times you felt it, and audibly reason your way through and out of it.
- Using two fingertips, gently tap several times on the following points: the top of the head, the inner edge of your eyebrow, the temple on the outer side of your eye, underneath your eye, under your nose, under the lower lip above your chin, on the inside of your collarbone, and on the side of your body about 4 inches below your armpit.
- Repeat step five until the sensation lessens and you feel better.
3. Box breathing
Box breathing (also called square breathing) is a simple yet highly effective breathwork technique you can use to distract your mind and minimize trauma responses in high-stress situations. Since you complete each step in 4-second intervals, it's easy to remember, and you can perform it discreetly anywhere.
Breathwork may seem overly simplistic, but because breathing is an involuntary function that we can also consciously influence, it's basically a remote control for our autonomic nervous system. Countless studies show that mindfully slowing your breathing increases heart rate variability and reduces anxiety, arousal, and stress markers. Navy SEALs and other service members have used tactical breathing techniques to stay calm and focused during stressful experiences.
How to do it:
- Sit with your back straight, one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach. You can also lie on your back or perform this breathing technique while standing in public.
- Inhale slowly for four seconds.
- Hold your breath at the top of your inhale for four seconds.
- Exhale for four seconds.
- Hold your breath with your lungs empty for four seconds.
- Repeat this cycle at least four times, or until you feel calm and centered.
4. The butterfly hug
The butterfly hug uses bilateral stimulation (the same technique used in EMDR therapy) to deactivate the amygdala, the brain's fight-or-flight center. While focusing on a distressing feeling or memory, you cross your arms over your chest and tap your hands on your shoulders, alternating back and forth.
One recent study found changes in brain activity after participants performed the butterfly hug, including areas involved in fear and emotional regulation. Activity decreased in the amygdala, a brain region involved in fear and threat responses, and increased in the frontal lobe, which is responsible for emotional regulation.
Bilateral stimulation uses alternating right-left sensory input to send information across the corpus callosum, bridging both hemispheres of the brain and regulating the nervous system. Physical touch is also a powerful healing tool. Crossing your arms over your chest and tapping your shoulders mimics the feeling of a hug, which may help the body feel safer and more settled.
How to do it:
- Find a comfortable place to sit and cross your arms over your chest. Rest your hands on opposite shoulders, spreading your fingers like the wings of a butterfly.
- Focus on an unpleasant emotion, an uncomfortable memory, or unwanted physical sensations in your body.
- At a steady pace, tap your hands on your shoulders, alternating from left to right. Take slow, deliberate breaths while you tap.
- Practice the butterfly hug for several minutes, or until you feel centered and relaxed.
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared on NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and Allure, among others. She's in the process of publishing her memoir, which you can learn more about here.
