People Who Are Genuinely Kind To Themselves Usually Ask 3 Simple Questions Every Morning
Brooke Balentine | Unsplash Life can often feel overwhelming, with daily pressures from relationships, finances, and world events piling up. Anxiety tends to make matters worse, especially when we struggle to identify exactly how we feel or why. But according to Dr. Esther Boykin, a Washington, D.C.-based psychologist, people who are genuinely kind to themselves can ask themselves three specific questions that can shift how they approach their day and even improve how they treat themselves.
This advice was shared during a conversation on HuffPost's “Am I Doing It Wrong?” podcast, hosted by Raj Punjabi and Noah Michelson, in which Dr. Boykin discussed the power of self-reflection for emotional well-being. By spending just a few moments reflecting on these questions right after you wake up, you can set a positive tone for the rest of the day. She explained that identifying your emotions first helps you clarify what you need and how to care for yourself without judgment or self-criticism.
People who are genuinely kind to themselves usually ask these questions when they wake up:
1. 'How do I really feel today?'
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The first of the three questions is designed to cut through the noise of daily life and force you to take an honest look at your emotional state. For many of us, acknowledging our feelings isn’t easy, especially when we're used to suppressing them. But as Dr. Boykin pointed out, understanding your emotional state is essential for answering the next two questions: what you need and how to treat yourself.
As co-host Noah Michelson shared, recognizing his own emotional state helped him unravel the underlying reasons for his bad mood on a particularly challenging morning. He realized that he was carrying unspoken worries that had been clouding his thoughts. By checking in with himself, he began the process of emotional self-awareness, which led him to feel less judgmental about his feelings and more understanding of his needs. This process of introspection can help anyone approach their emotions with greater empathy and self-compassion.
2. 'What do I need today?'
The second of the three questions is actionable and can give you tools to navigate a difficult day. Giving yourself simple, actionable steps is key to achieving any goal, even if that goal is as simple as finding the motivation to be productive.
This is the same concept as crossing items off on a to-do list. Anything listed in "What do I need today?" should be achievable. For example, if you really feel like you are struggling to get out of bed, perhaps what you need is to give yourself the grace to have that day in bed.
Experts from Mayo Clinic noted that internal resilience is integral to self-improvement, especially when we feel vulnerable. A key step toward increased internal resilience is giving each day meaning and purpose. That falls directly in line with giving yourself an actionable task or tasks related to your emotional state that day. They went on to assert, "Resilience won't make your problems go away. But resilience can help you see past them, find ways to enjoy life, and better handle stress."
3. 'How can I be more tender or gentle with myself today?'
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The final question is about kindness, not perfection. Once you’ve identified your feelings and needs, it’s crucial to offer yourself compassion rather than judgment.
Dr. Boykin encouraged this practice because it can foster an internal shift toward a more nurturing relationship with yourself. Self-forgiveness doesn’t have to be grand or dramatic — it can simply mean allowing yourself to feel what you feel without condemnation.
By practicing these three questions daily, Boykin's clients have reported significant changes in their approach to challenges. Michelson noted that while these questions might seem simple, they are actually radical in their ability to shift one’s internal dialogue. Rather than rushing into action or pushing through discomfort, taking a few moments to reflect on these questions can create a more balanced, kinder approach to the demands of the day.
Sometimes, the smallest and simplest daily habits yield the greatest results. These three questions are simple, but that doesn't mean answering them honestly is easy. Start off slow, but don't be afraid to challenge yourself a bit, either.
Dr. Boykin’s simple three-question ritual offers a powerful tool for self-awareness and self-compassion. By starting your day with a few moments of reflection on how you feel, what you need, and how to treat yourself kindly, you can change your mindset and set a more positive, gentle tone for your day.
While this practice may seem small, it can lead to big changes in how you approach life, improving your emotional well-being and the way you show up for yourself each day.
Erika Ryan is a writer working on her bachelor's degree in Journalism. She is based in Florida and covers relationships, psychology, self-help, and human interest topics.
