Between Money, Tone Of Voice, & Emotional Needs, There’s One Thing Couples Usually Argue The Most About
Drazen Zigic | Shutterstock A YouGov survey wanted to pinpoint exactly what couples argue about the most. If you guessed money, it's definitely up there, but it's actually not consistently the biggest barrier to relationship harmony. What plays the biggest role isn't so much what is said, but how it's conveyed.
Dr. Gottman wrote in his book, "The Relationship Cure," that when it comes to communicating in relationships, only 7% of what each partner says has literal meaning. 38% of what's conveyed comes through from tone of voice. That's exactly why the tone of voice a partner adopts is usually the biggest source of discord between couples.
A survey found that couples usually argue the most about the tone of voice a partner adopts.
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Among the 22 topics included in the poll, including money and even household chores, Americans in relationships are most likely to say they argue over the tone of voice or attitude a partner presents. An estimated 36% say the snark behind a statement causes arguments in their relationship.
If you're thinking, that's odd. It's really not. Tone of voice impacts every topic that could be the root cause of an argument. So, say you're disagreeing over how much to spend on groceries. If your partner responds with a matter-of-fact, "Fine, I won't buy my favorite chips anymore." That might not cause a blow-up. But if that "Fine" is said with sarcasm and a sing-song inflection, they probably just poured gas on a fire.
Women are more likely to say they argue with their significant other about tone of voice.
Women are more likely than men to say they and their partner sometimes argue about tone of voice (41% vs. 29%). Other common topics that caused arguments include communication styles (29%), money (26%), emotional needs (23%), life decisions (21%), and household chores (21%).
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Along with women saying that they and their partner argue about tone of voice, it was followed by household chores (27% vs. 15%), and the amount of quality time spent together (23% vs. 11%).
Women are much more perceptive of tone and attitude, mostly because they lean towards more collaborative and considerate communication. That means women would rather get their point across gently than hurt whoever they are talking to. Men are much more assertive in their approach, and even if they don't mean to use their tone against a partner, it can easily happen.
As Dr. Gottman noted, "non-verbal communication plays a significant role in how messages are interpreted. Misreading body language, facial expressions, or tone can amplify communication issues. For example, a sigh might be misinterpreted as annoyance when it’s actually signaling fatigue. Understanding these subtle cues and addressing them can minimize potential barriers that prevent effective communication."
Most couples admit that they tend to avoid having difficult conversations.
Communication is considered one of the most important elements of a healthy relationship. In a Marriage.com survey of 2,399 U.S. adults in committed relationships, 70% of couples avoid at least one major relationship conversation, most commonly about emotions, sex, money, or trust.
People would simply rather not fight. Unfortunately, avoiding the discomfort does not remove the problem. Many couples just brush these volatile topics under the rug, even though avoiding them can jeopardize their connection. If there is an issue in your relationship, sidestepping it won't fix it.
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When it comes to tone of voice, the only way to avoid this kind of argument is to take the attitude out of your words. Internist and practicing Buddhist, Alex Lickerman, M.D., explained, "Our tone tells the truth even when our words don't, even when we're unaware of that truth ourselves. And it's our tone to which others respond. We can even say 'I love you' in a way that provokes bitterness and then innocently argue we're being unfairly attacked when the person to whom we've said it quite rightly responds to our tone rather than our words."
Sure, it might feel good to huff out a "Fine," knowing that it will only make your boyfriend angry, but in the long run, it does no one any good. "When done well, communication is more than exchanging words — it becomes a meaningful expression of love, respect, and mutual understanding. It’s how couples convey care during conflict, offer reassurance during uncertainty, and remind each other that they matter," explained marriage therapist Jennifer Uhrlass.
Most arguments in relationships aren't ever about one singular issue. What starts as a comment about tone of voice can quickly turn into something deeper, which is why the same disagreements tend to resurface. Unless you nip the original issue in the bud, you and your partner will just end up going in circles.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
