Women Who’ve Had Their Own 'Stephen DeMarco' Unfortunately Had To Learn 6 Things The Hard Way
MLM IMAGES Los Angeles | Shutterstock Hulu's hit series "Tell Me Lies" is constant drama and chaos. The most talked-about relationship from the show is between the two main characters, Lucy Albright and Stephen DeMarco, played by Grace Van Patten and Jackson White. DeMarco takes the cake, however, when it comes to walking red flags.
As we watch the characters make some of the most terrible decisions ever, it's hard not to compare our own early dating days and the mistakes we made. Many women have had their own Stephen DeMarcos and recognize that they weren't lucky enough to have the show to teach them what to avoid. They had to learn these lessons the hard way.
Women who've had their own 'Stephen DeMacro' unfortunately had to learn 6 things the hard way:
1. Intensity does not equal love
A big thing that Lucy and Stephen's relationship has taught viewers, especially women who might've been in that same predicament, is that just because something is intense doesn’t make it love. The intensity can feel intoxicating at first. It may be passion, but it definitely isn't always a connection. The highs are high, but the lows are definitely very much low.
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"In such relationships, it’s hard to find your footing or make space for what matters because you’re always on damage control. You forget that true love offers safety without unrealistic expectations, acceptance without conditions, and validation without needing to earn it," explained psychologist Mark Travers.
Your nervous system is never calm when you're dealing with someone who constantly has you walking on eggshells. Real love should feel steady and assuring, not like you have to brace yourself. It should feel secure, and once you start valuing consistency over anything else, you'll realize it's hard to go back to something built on pure intensity.
2. Love bombing does not equal real caring
In a survey conducted by Shane Co., a jewelry company specializing in engagement rings, 1,014 people were surveyed between the ages of 18 and 55, across the U.S., to uncover how many Americans have been love-bombed and which habits of new romantic partners are the biggest red flags. An estimated 70% of respondents said they have fallen victim to love bombing at least once.
At first, it can feel good to know that someone is utterly obsessed with you, like the very beginning of Lucy getting to know Stephen. She didn't quite like him at first, but he was persistent in pursuing her and, honestly, love bombing her. She let her guard down, and that's when his personality shifted. Love bombing can create an unhealthy dynamic, and before you know it, one person is holding all of the emotional power while you're left vulnerable.
3. Dating a narcissist usually ends in disaster
Stephen DeMarco is a classic narcissist. Many of the characteristics he displays include coming off as charming and confident, yet he's actually deeply insecure, wanting to be seen and admired by everyone, and craving control over the people in his life. From watching the show, many women have realized that they've definitely dated or been involved with a narcissist in their past, and it didn't end well.
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Being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist means you'll find yourself constantly managing their emotions, anticipating their mood swings, and even trying to soothe their ego. Meanwhile, your needs are constantly taking a back seat. The imbalance can leave you feeling invisible with someone who should wholeheartedly love and care for you.
4. Your friends are usually right
Throughout "Tell Me Lies," Lucy's friends constantly warn her that she's better off without Stephen. They point out how destructive he is toward the people in his life, including his friends. But Lucy continues to do her own thing, eventually getting into a relationship with Stephen. Sometimes we can be a bit blinded by love that we forget our friends have our best interests at heart.
They're not in the relationship, so they can sometimes spot things we miss because of how infatuated we are. Sure, it's our life, and we should be allowed to make our own decisions and eventually our own mistakes. But sometimes it might pay off to listen a bit more closely to our friends, especially when they're very much against the person you're dating because they see just how toxic they really are.
5. Healthy boundaries are necessary
Lucy's inability to disengage from Stephen's toxic, manipulative behavior is probably the most frustrating part of the show. She continuously allows Stephen access to her life, even when there are moments when she clearly doesn't want him around. It's because she doesn't have strong boundaries that she sticks to. Boundaries are important in all relationships, but especially in romantic relationships.
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"It’s so important to be clear about our personal rules and boundaries. We need to know what they are and maintain them firmly, ensuring that whoever we enter a relationship with is willing to respect them as much as we do," insisted psychotherapist Denise Fournier, Ph.D.
Without clear, firm boundaries, we're more susceptible to losing parts of ourselves to someone else. You should be an entirely whole person before entering into a relationship with someone, and when the relationship ends, you should still be able to bounce back into your own life without feeling like you need that person.
6. How to spot red flags
To people watching "Tell Me Lies," we can see Stephen's bright red flags from the very beginning. Lucy also sees them, but she chooses to ignore them altogether. However, when someone is showing you exactly who they are, it's probably in your best interest to believe them. Red flags usually show up in someone's consistent patterns rather than in simple moments with them.
"It’s not always easy to pay attention to these red flags, because the rewards of staying in an attached, successful relationship are so enormous. But it helps to recognize how you might be twisting what your eyes and ears and gut are telling you—and thus catapulting yourself into unhappiness or even danger," insisted relationship expert David B. Wexler, Ph.D.
While one bad day doesn't define someone, repeated behavior definitely does. If you're constantly feeling confused or second-guessing yourself around them, that's usually vital information that shouldn't be ignored.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
