Parents Who Raise Teens Who Actually Listen To Them Share One Specific Trait, Says Study
Getting your teens to listen may be more simple than you realize.
Ekrulila from baseimage | Canva If you’re a parent, you’ve probably been through the wonderful experience of telling your child to do something and them doing the exact opposite. Or, your kid has done something you think they shouldn’t have and you struggle with how to respond. You wonder how heavily you should discipline them and how to ensure they won’t do it again.
These are all normal challenges that come with parenting, especially if you’re raising a teenager who’s feeling particularly defiant. Teens tend to test their boundaries, and acting up is a part of doing so. Chances are, you’ve thought about what you can do to get your kids to listen to you more. If so, a recent study may just have the answers you’re seeking.
A study found that parents who raise teens who actually listen to them share one specific trait.
According to the study, the most effective way to get your teen to listen to you is to model the behavior you want them to exhibit.
The study, published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence, was made up of 105 Israeli teens. Most were female and around the age of 15. They were asked to select whether they had engaged in any problem behaviors from a list of 29 common ones and also share whether their parents knew about their actions. If they did, they also explained how their parents had reacted and what their behavior was like as a result.
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The study authors said there was a “research gap” when it came to what they termed “parents’ inherent value demonstration.” Researchers found that teens were more likely to listen to their parents when they engaged in this inherent value demonstration, basically, when they modeled what they were asking their kids to do. They were less likely to listen when parents just gave them warnings about their behavior.
Judith Smetana, a psychologist from the University of Rochester, was one of the researchers involved in the study. She is also an expert on relationships between parents and adolescents, according to Sandra Knispel from the University of Rochester News Center. Smetana said, “Parents really have to ‘walk the walk’ and act on their values if they want their teens to behave responsibly.”
The research was all based on self-determination theory and need thwarting.
Self-determination theory, or SDT, was theorized in the 1970s and '80s by University of Rochester psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan. As the study authors described it, “Self-determination theory posits that individuals have innate needs for autonomy (the need to feel free to realize their authentic preferences rather than feel coerced and pressured), competence (the need to feel able to cope with challenges and avoid undesirable consequences) and relatedness (the need to feel closely connected with people one cares about).”
Need-thwarting is basically when teens experience the opposite of this. Instead of their parents supporting their autonomy, competence, and relatedness, they’re “coercive and controlling.” Instead of modeling good behavior, they simply demand it. Smetana said this causes teens to be defiant.
That makes total sense. Think about when you were a teen. The second any adult tried to tell you what to do, you would roll your eyes and immediately think they had no idea about anything. Modeling makes so much more sense.
Parents’ words and actions influence what their children do themselves.
Australia’s Raising Children Network explained that parents are their children’s most important role models. “As a parent, you influence your child’s attitudes and values,” they said. “This might include your child’s attitudes and values about things like diversity and identity, relationships, health, education, technology, and so on. And the stronger your relationship with your child, the more influence you’ll have, because your child will be more likely to seek your guidance and value your opinion and support.”
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Teens are naturally in a period of experimentation when they try to see how much they can get away with. Sometimes they’re just going to make choices that aren’t that great. Parents can’t make their kids perfect, but they can model good behavior for them, which is probably going to have more of an impact on them than any kind of discipline or warning.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
