3 Things People Who Grew Up Having To Do Everything For Themselves Appreciate That Most People Overlook
Sometimes actions really do speak louder than words.
Jeffrey Keenan | Unsplash If you grew up having to do most things by yourself, you likely approach daily tasks differently than others. That doesn't mean you don't appreciate help now again. How you receive that help and appreciate it is totally different than most other people, however. In fact, the traits you admire are often overlooked by other people who didn't grow up hyper-independent.
According to Bree Bailey, a self-proclaimed hyper-independent woman, people who grew up overly independent care a whole lot less about good intentions than they do about action. If you actually want to help someone who never asks for help in a way they will appreciate, Bailey said the best way to do that is to take initiative without ever being asked.
The 3 things people who grew up having to do everything themselves appreciate that most people overlook:
1. Taking initiative
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When you grow up having to fend for yourself, having another person roll up their sleeves and just jump in to assist in any task, whether it's cleaning or paying the bills, is straight up admirable. As Bailey noted, if you really want to touch the heartstrings of a hyper-independent person, take the initiative and act.
For most people, simply offering help is enough, but with independent people, good intentions are just lip service. Instead of a cordial offer like "Hey, how can I help?" Bailey said, you must be more intentional. That means rolling up your sleeves and getting to work without being asked.
As trauma therapist Sarah Herstich explained, hyper-independent people struggle with asking for help even when they need it. That means if you simply offer help, chances are they won't take it. That's because, as Herstich noted, in childhood their "emotions weren’t met with care, comfort, or attunement." Translation: the hyper-independent person learned early on that "relying on others wasn’t safe or effective."
2. Hard work
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Hyper-independence is a trauma response, and that means it's meant to protect, like a defense mechanism. The people who had to figure things out growing up had no choice but to fend for themselves. That's why they view hard work as a trait to be appreciated.
Unfortunately, their inability to ask for help even when they truly need it can be taken advantage of, and not always intentionally. That's why anyone who grew up having to do everything themselves truly appreciates when another person is willing to work hard without requiring motivation or urging. Clinical psychologist Amy Marschall, PsyD, explained, "Hyper-independent people will struggle to ask others for help when they are overwhelmed or will be unable to pass tasks on to someone else." They may also "overcommit to work or personal projects to the point that they are unable to manage the load themselves."
Having an independently motivated hard worker to help without requiring initiation is a love language to many overly independent individuals. And while it's still important to heal the underlying trauma that causes hyper-independence, having hard workers in your corner who acknowledge your needs without asking you to constantly expose your vulnerability feels like a gift that many others simply don't understand.
3. A small group of close friends
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If you grew up doing things on your own, chances are you struggle to trust others. That means when someone gets into your inner circle, they are truly near and dear to your heart. As Marshall noted, hyper-independent people "worry that others will let them down or betray their trust." That makes it harder to make and maintain relationships.
If you find yourself in a hyper-independent person's small group of friends, that means you have earned their trust, which is not easy to do. They have allowed you to see their vulnerability, and you may even be part of their trauma healing. Your devotion and dedication to being a good friend are helping them move past their trust issues, and you are teaching them what it means to be in a healthy relationship with mutual support.
Matt Machado is a writer studying journalism at the University of Central Florida. He covers relationships, psychology, celebrities, pop culture, and human interest topics.
