65-Year-Old Widow Concerned Men Don’t Want To Date Her Since Her Husband Passed 4 Months Ago
Is she really as ready to date as she thinks she is?
cottonbro studio | Pexels Grief is a difficult animal, and it takes different forms and follows different schedules for everyone. But no matter the person, the one thing it requires, no matter what, is time. Grief can't really be rushed. It tends to have its own agenda.
For one recent widow, she's ready to get out there and get on with it, so much so that she's already trying to date just months after losing her husband. However, she's finding it acutely difficult to meet eligible men, but from the sounds of it, not quite for the reasons she seems to think.
The elderly widow is concerned that men don't want to date her.
The widow, who is 65, wrote into the classic "Dear Abby" advice column for advice on this new chapter in her life. Just four months ago, she lost her husband of many years, but said she's already ready to "move on" and get out in the dating scene.
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But she's not at all sure how to go about meeting people, which is certainly not surprising. People a third of her age can't really figure it out these days either! Complicating the matter is that she's not interested in online dating.
The recency of her husband's death may just be the biggest complicating matter of them all, however. "Some may say it’s too soon, but I couldn’t care less what people think," she said, but of course, just because she doesn't care about it doesn't mean the men in the dating pool don't.
She said she worries men are put off by how recently her husband passed.
Admittedly, four months is an awfully short time. Experts say the grieving process after any death, let alone that of a spouse, typically takes at least a year. For many, it takes much, much longer.
Regardless, this woman insisted she's ready, but she's finding men don't seem to be ready for her. "I have my eye on several men I think may be interested, but they’re not paying much attention to me," she wrote. "I think they’re hesitating because they know how recently my husband died and they think it’s too soon."
She's not sure how to show interest without "coming on too strong," and she's also not sure how to even meet men in the first place. "I go places and see lots of men who are attractive, but I haven’t got the nerve to approach them," she said. She also worries that many of them may be married, and she doesn't want to come between them and their spouses by flirting with them.
Her rush to date is understandable, but taking care of herself needs to be the priority.
It's impossible to know the reality of this woman's situation from afar, of course. But there are subtle clues in her letter that what she thinks is "readiness" to date may actually be more like a panic to escape the pain of grief.
The clues come in her very own words: "I am not looking for a husband, just a friend and companion," she wrote. "I have everything I need except someone to love and care for me." This sounds an awful lot like the "bargaining" stage of grief, in which we start making "deals," either with ourselves or a higher power, to feel better. In this case, it's something like "if I go find a new boyfriend, this loss won't hurt so badly."
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The thing is, though, that's not how grieving (or anything, really) works, and even if they can't exactly name what they're sensing, a lot of the men she's meeting are probably picking up on the fact that she may not be as ready as she thinks.
For Dear Abby's part, she urged the woman to focus on her own needs first. She described herself as "very lonely," which seems like a nod to the "depression" stage of grief. It's important to note that the stages of grief rarely happen in order and often overlap. She just may be in the midst of a mix of bargaining and depression simultaneously.
Dear Abby urged her to address this first by staying active, exercising, and pursuing activities that would help her meet new people, like volunteering, in order to keep her mood up and mix with others at the same time. She might find herself meeting someone special in the midst of this, but focusing on her emotional needs as the top priority will make sure she IS actually ready for him if he comes.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
