11 Phrases That Sound Kind But Are Actually Deeply Judgy
These phrases are not as nice as they sound, more often than not.
stockfour / Shutterstock The English language is amazing, isn’t it? A single phrase with so many nice words can mean so many different things, including things that would make a typical person wince.
As someone who doesn’t always “get” mainstream mannerisms, I often don’t realize I’m getting judged until after someone tells me. These phrases, in particular, have tripped me up quite a bit.
Here are 11 phrases that sound kind but are actually deeply judgy
1. ‘You’re so brave to wear that’
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Make no mistake about it. When a person says this, they’re not complimenting you. They’re giving you a backhanded compliment that’s actually an insult about your taste in clothing or your figure.
It’s not a compliment. It’s an insult. But you can out-sugar them by offering a polite and overly sweet, “Thank you!”
2. ‘We’re having a party tonight. We sent out invites a month ago, but we want you to be there!’
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As it turns out, this is actually a backhanded way to let someone know that you are not actually welcome at the party in question. This is doubly true if you knew about the party, asked if you could attend, and were only invited minutes before the party was actually about to start.
More often than not, this is a sign that you are a backup friend, and they just needed a seat filler.
3. ‘Wow, you clean up nice’
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Admittedly, some of us less-socialized people might actually mean this as a compliment. (I count myself in that situation.) However, it generally isn't meant to be the compliment you may think it is.
If you read between the lines, it’s a way to say that you don’t actually look your best or put effort into yourself. Oof.
4. ‘You’re so lucky to have that job’
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Doesn’t this sound so nice? In some cases, it can be a compliment or a nice thing to say. However, you might want to pay close attention to the tone of the person’s voice, especially when it comes to commenting on your luck regarding something related to skill.
A lot of people who are resentful of your position in life will say that you’re “lucky,” even if you’ve worked like a dog to get to where you’re at. This is (more or less) a sign of resentment or jealousy, served with a side of judgment.
5. ‘Oh wow, you’re [compliment] for a [demographic]’
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It doesn’t take too much for people to read between the lines here. Whether it’s saying you look good for someone of your age or saying you’re pretty educated for a person of your nationality doesn’t matter. It’s a way of subtly putting you down.
There’s nothing nice about this compliment. This is a type of “compliment microaggression” that’s often used by bigots as a way to subtly judge you as “less than.”
6. ‘You’re too pretty to be this smart’
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It’s never a compliment to say that someone can’t be both smart and good-looking. Someone who says this is either trying to conceal their envy or trying to make it sound like you don’t look very intelligent.
Either way, it’s not a nice thing to say, and it’s not something that even lands well as a joke.
7. ‘You’re doing well, all things considered’
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While this can be said in a way that conveys a little pep talk or some tacit sympathy, this phrase is also a double-edged sword of sorts. If the person in question is known for veiled compliments, then it may be time to rethink why they’re saying this.
Passive-aggressive people might use this phrase as a way to convey that they secretly pity you or judge you for your background.
8. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’
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There is almost no connotation to this phrase that actually turns out well for the person it’s being said to. Most people know it as a corporate-sounding non-apology, often given after being upset with someone for something awful they did.
This phrase is used to make you feel judged and unreasonable. Whether or not you’re actually unreasonable is really situational, but it’s still rude.
9. ‘Must be nice to have people fawn over you like that’
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This can be switched up in a number of different ways, including “Must be nice to have all that freedom,” when it’s said to people who don’t have kids. Though it sounds like someone is just saying you should count your blessings, the reality is a bit different.
This phrase is often a sign that they’re judging you for having it easy, no matter what easy might mean to either them or you.
10. ‘Good for you!’
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This is another one of those phrases that can be said with a genuine well-wishing behind it. However, it’s increasingly rare to hear people use that phrase in a benevolent way.
If you notice a little bite in the tone, that person is judging you for actually enjoying what you have. And that's actually really rude.
11. ‘Bless your heart!’
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In many cases, especially if you recently had something awful happen to you, the phrase, “Bless your heart!” can be a Southerner’s way of saying they feel bad for you. However, most Northerners (like myself) never hear that version.
We often hear the fake-smile version that comes with a certain false sincerity that suggests we really don’t know any better. Of course, Southerners come with a natural built-in judgment detector with this phrase. So, if you feel lost, ask one what the deal is.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
