5 Phrases That Can Instantly Defuse Your Wife’s Anger, According To Clinical Psychologist

So many men struggle with how to engage with their wives’ emotions. Often, they fail to empathize because they were not taught how in their family growing up. If you are someone who has deeply struggled with what to say to repair after fights, or with empathizing with your wife (or with everyone), this post is for you. 

Here is a list of five things you can say to your wife to defuse and de-escalate conflict, as well as to show her that you love her. If these feel foreign to you, that isn’t because they are “fake,” but because you are learning a new skill, and every new skill feels unnatural at first, from sports to work to communication. Let’s begin!

Here are five phrases that can instantly defuse your wife’s anger, according to a clinical psychologist:

1. 'Our relationship is more important to me than this fight'

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The most important thing to say to your wife is that your relationship is more important than any fight. There are some exceptions to this, when a fight is about a key issue that defines the relationship, e.g., if you have discovered that your wife is cheating on you. 

But in general, there should be very, very few issues that are more important to you than the relationship as a whole.

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2. 'I love you'

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Verbalizing a vulnerable feeling may be difficult when you are upset, but it can immediately defuse conflict. If you do love your wife, there is no bad time to say it, especially if you are the avoidant partner. 

Your wife likely feels emotionally abandoned by you if you are fighting, which can be hard to understand if you do not often feel this way.

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3. 'I don’t want to fight with you'

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You may think this is obvious, but it isn’t. It takes two people to fight, despite that more avoidant men think that it is only their preoccupied wife who “starts" the fight, who is a common dynamic between avoidant men and preoccupied women.

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4. 'I’m sorry'

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Find something in the fight that you can deeply and genuinely apologize for. Certainly, not being empathic enough would be an easy one. Likely, you were dismissive or defensive as well. 

Remember, an apology will likely lead to more conversation, despite though you think it should be a conversation ender. This is a good thing because it means your wife is feeling heard and is willing to confide more about her feelings. She isn’t doing this to hurt or browbeat you, but to process what she felt.

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5. 'What can I do to make this better?'

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This shows your wife that you are willing to change and grow. You are being open-minded and asking for feedback, which indicates a deep commitment to the relationship and to helping her feel better. Open-mindedness and willingness to get outside your comfort zone are key traits that are associated with happy marriages.

Try some of these five suggested points in your next argument, and if they do not work, couples counseling can help you figure out what is still going wrong.

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Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.