People Who Rarely Fight Dirty In Marriage Usually Refuse To Say These 2 Phrases
nayla bernardes | Pexels Have you been arguing more with your partner lately? If so, you've probably already tried to resolve your issues, only to have them completely blow up in your face. When you're unable to control your emotions, you are likely to yell or throw accusations to make a point. But as we all know, that only seems to make things worse.
Before push comes to shove, how do we resolve conflict without fighting dirty in marriage? Relationship podcaster Jimmy Knowles discusses the best way to resolve conflict in your relationship by avoiding two specific phrases.
People who rarely fight dirty usually refuse to say these things:
1. 'You never...'
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You wake up to a mess in the kitchen and lose your ever-loving mind. Going up to your partner, you begin to berate them: "You never clean the kitchen."
Likely, you've also called them lazy or inconsiderate a few times. More often than not, you've stormed away from the conversation and accomplished nothing but heartache. What else can you do? I mean, you've tried everything, right?
Knowles explains, "If we're actually going to do our part in having a respectful conflict, we can't lead with so much hostility and name-calling." Understandably, hearing this might feel frustrating. After all, your partner isn't a child and should be able to handle criticism.
But, as Knowles points out, berating your partner can lead to contempt, and contempt will only destroy your relationship fast, as explained by renowned psychologist John Gottman, who identified it as one of the four horsemen that can predict divorce.
"Let's get rid of berating our partner and maybe take thirty minutes to self-regulate instead," says Knowles. He continues, "Because our tone and our body language and our words still matter."
People who rarely fight dirty lead conversations with both vulnerability and respect. Although we can't control what our partner does, we can control how we react.
2. 'You always...'
When we start a complaint with, "You always," we demonstrate a lack of compassion that has become judgmental and harshly critical. Knowles says, "We can set healthy boundaries around unsafe people. The trick is not becoming one of those unsafe people in the process."
Understand that hurt people hurt people. But if you never break the cycle of hurt, how can you honestly expect your relationship to progress? Remember to only talk about your own experiences when bringing up conflict. Talk only about your own feelings and never fight dirty by using the words never and always.
After all, using words such as these will only put your partner in defensive mode. If your partner is in defensive mode, you can forget about fixing any relationship problems you may have. What does healthy communication during conflict look like? How do we tie all this information together?
The phrase people who fight fairly — not dirty — in marriage say instead:
3. 'I feel...'
For starters, don't say, "You make me feel frustrated because you never wash the dishes." Once again, you are in control of your actions. Yes, your partner might have contributed to your bad mood, but how you react is all up to you. So, change that "you make me" into "I feel."
Also, don't use the word "never," because using "never" to describe another person is not being completely truthful. Instead, focus on the present moment and what they didn't do now, and forget about the past mistakes.
You can say something like, "I'm feeling like I'm the only one who cares about the dishes being done. It makes me feel abandoned. Like my time isn't worth as much as yours is. Like I don't even matter to you," says Knowles.
I get it, leading with vulnerability is hard work. After all, it's hard to put your emotions out there and express your deepest fears or concerns. It's also important to understand your partner is there for you. Your partner wants to help you.
It's extremely important to express how you truly feel. Until you do, you'll never truly resolve conflict in your relationship.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and trending topics.
