You Say You Want A Relationship — So Why Are You Still Single? 5 Subconscious Reasons
Craig Adderley | Canva I like to think I’m single by choice. I like being independent(ish) and having the freedom to do whatever I want without having to report to someone. But you also kind of have to factor in the issue of the other person’s involvement…meaning it’s not always your decision one hundred percent of the time when you are in a relationship or not.
“You're so pretty, how are you single?”
This is just a great question, right? It’s a little bit of a compliment and a little bit judgmental, but mainly it’s just annoying to try to answer. Most of the time, you have no idea why you’re single because it’s not something you analyze daily. But maybe you do wonder why you're still single, and there may be a few subconscious reasons you haven't considered.
Why are you still single? Here are 5 subconscious reasons you're still single even though you say you want a relationship:
1. You aren’t letting people in
You’re building walls, and I don’t blame you. Every song out there that isn’t about being madly in love with someone is about being completely heartbroken. However, to really let people see who you are, you have to be vulnerable, which means you need to break down a couple of those walls or at least let someone put their head inside a window or something.
Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the biggest predictor of real intimacy is actually emotional letting someone see how you feel, instead of just keeping things surface-level. So those walls you've built are doing exactly what you designed them to do.
2. You are playing the “what if” game
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What if he doesn’t like me back? What if we break up? What if he cheats on me? Stop right now. You can’t see into the future, so worrying about it doesn’t help anything.
This is a terrible game to play. None of these scenarios is based on reality anyway. You are just looking for excuses not be happy with someone.
Mindfulness-based cognitive coach Susie Pettit explains that every "what if" spiral is really just mental time travel: "You've time-traveled to your future if you're worrying or feeling anxious," and none of those invented worst-case scenarios are actually happening right now. She continues, "You are far more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Stop wasting time worrying about what might happen and go live your life."
3. You run away from opportunities
You push people away before they have the chance to leave. Or you run in the opposite direction as fast as you can when things get serious. It’s the first line of defense that you’ve just developed over time, and it works for you, I guess.
You stay a safe distance from anything that could become something real or meaningful. But is it really what’s going to make you happy in the end?
The one thing every single form of relationship self-sabotage has in common is fear. Fear of being hurt again, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. Your defense mechanism is working overtime, but it's also the reason you keep ending up exactly where you started, researchers have found.
4. You're afraid of getting hurt
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You always want to be the strong one, never want to show weakness, which means you avoid situations that you could potentially get hurt. Sounds like a great plan, until you realize that by avoiding these situations, you also lose the ability to be happy and then end up getting hurt anyway.
Relationship therapist Dr. Margaret Paul clarifies that "it is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another."
It still hurts when they start dating someone else instead of you. You still feel it. So if you’re going to get hurt either way, wouldn’t you rather have happiness before the pain, even if it’s just for a little bit?
5. You're scared to be vulnerable again
Maybe the last guy left you in so many pieces you feel like a jigsaw puzzle, and you’re scared you will be split into even tinier pieces if you let someone back in. Is living with that kind of hurt and fear really living?
But heck, life, in general, is scary. You can’t let fear hold you back from loving the person you want to love. Fear means you have something valuable to lose. And you don’t want to lose.
According to research from the Cleveland Clinic, the fear of falling in love after you've been wrecked by someone is so common it has a clinical name: philophobia. Left unchecked, it actually increases your risk for depression, anxiety, and even PTSD, which means the thing you're doing to protect yourself is quietly making everything harder.
There is nothing wrong with being single. It’s way more fun than having to deal with a guy day after day. I, personally, believe you can’t force love, meaning you can’t just wake up one day and say, “Hey, I want to start dating that guy that lives a couple of doors down, and it just happens.
I think we fall into relationships when we are meant to be in one and out when we aren’t meant to be in one anymore. So just open up, don’t let fear run your life, and just ride along with the ups and downs of love.
Unwritten publishes content on relationships, love, mental health, wellness, and more.
