If These 3 Rules Were Drilled Into You Growing Up, Experts Say You May Struggle With Setting Healthy Boundaries
Cucu Marius Daniel | Unsplash Every person comes into relationships with some sort of expectations. Expectations around how they want to be loved. Expectations around how frequently they will communicate with each other. Truly, the potential number of expectations is endless.
Research in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that when expectations about connection, passion, and destiny go unmet, satisfaction and commitment within relationships are significantly undermined. There are reasonable expectations and unreasonable expectations when it comes to relationships (and what is reasonable for one couple might be different for another). Examples of reasonable expectations would be:
- I expect my partner to remain faithful to me since we agreed to a monogamous partnership.
- I expect my partner to voice any concerns they have when it comes to the emotional health and overall connection in our relationship.
As for unreasonable expectations, I have heard hundreds, if not thousands, of unreasonable relationship expectations over the years as a relationship coach. Some are more subtle than others, and some are painfully overt. These relationship expectations and rules sounded harmless at the time, but years later, they show up as guilt, people-pleasing, and struggling to set healthy boundaries.
If these 3 rules were drilled into you growing up, experts say you may struggle with setting healthy boundaries:
Rule 1: 'If they really loved me, they would know what I needed'
People are not mind readers. No one can know what you want from them in every moment without you expressing your desires. When you withhold your needs or desires from your partner, you are abandoning yourself. If you want to be in a highly functioning relationship, learn to communicate your personal desires.
A study in Communication Research Reports found that holding mind-reading expectations in relationships is directly linked to relationship problems. The research showed that when partners expected their significant other to understand their needs without being told, they became more upset by their partner's lack of awareness and were more likely to give the silent treatment or act combatively.
Some people think that it’s easy to tell their partner what they want … but it’s often not. It can be the most terrifying thing in the world to tell someone (that you care so deeply about) the truth of what you’re feeling. And if it feels too scary to tell them what you want, start by telling them where you’re at.
If you want to ask for something new or different in bed but you’re nervous to bring it up, you could start by saying “I want to ask you for something right now but I’m feeling really nervous about it… and it might be silly once it comes out, but I’m still worried about what you’ll think of me for wanting it.” Communicate your honest desires. Be as forthcoming as possible. And if you’re nervous or apprehensive for any reason, simply tell them where you’re at.
Rules 2: 'I should love my partner unconditionally'
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No, you absolutely should not. Healthy love between consenting intimate partners is not unconditional. While you should absolutely make a concerted effort to have a deep and resilient love for your intimate partner, there are certain conditions that, if broken, are going to have an impact on your love for them (or on the relationship itself).
Maybe they hit you. Maybe they have come home drunk every night for weeks on end, and it’s affecting the relationship. Maybe they haven’t said a word to you in over a week. Would your love not become conditional if any of these were to occur?
Research in the Journal of Applied Philosophy argues that unconditional love in romantic relationships is actually unwarranted. What's healthier is conditional commitment based on mutual respect and boundaries, which creates healthier partnerships, unlike unconditional love, which can lead to accepting harmful behaviors.
Healthy love is conditional. If you are expecting reasonable things to be occurring (“treating me like a king/queen every single day” doesn’t count) and they aren’t occurring, that can be grounds for the love/relationship to end.
Rule 3: 'Relationships shouldn’t take work'
I hear this one quite often just because of what my line of work is… but I’ve heard it from clients, non-clients, friends, family members, and people from all walks of life. There’s this romantic notion that if a relationship is destined to work out, then it should work out… with no effort or intentionality from the partners involved. It should function on autopilot. It should be effortless.
And there should never be anything that feels like “work.” Every couple that I know that has an abnormally high-functioning relationship all put in the work. They are brilliantly effective communicators because they have read books, attended seminars, and put in the work in order to find out how their partner uniquely needs to be communicated to/with.
Whenever a conflict arises between them, either subtly or obviously, they tackle it head-on and see if they can come to an amicable solution that sees both of their emotional needs met. Whatever comes up as a problem for them, they have a mutually agreed-upon pact that it won’t stay a problem for long. The bottom line is… people in high-functioning relationships put in the work. And it pays off.
Research in Marriage & Family Review found that the more effort people put into their relationships, the stronger their satisfaction and stability become. The study found that couples who actively work on their relationships through intentional maintenance experience significantly higher relationship quality than those who assume relationships should just effortlessly function.
All relationships are for healing. And yours is no different. So if you think that the idea of scheduling date nights in your calendar is unromantic, then you might want to question that belief and ask if it’s serving you and your relationship.
An intentional love life is a thriving love life. If you ignore the little things, your relationship will eventually suffer. If you prioritize the little things, your relationship will eventually thrive. Your committed intimacy is either stagnating or deepening. There is no middle ground.
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women's Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.
