People Who Easily Handle Anything Life Throws At Them Usually Have This At Home, Says Study
Amanda Valverde | Pexels According to a 2007 study, people who easily handle everything life throws at them can do so only because they have someone they can depend on at home.
To all those people who decided to put off relationships and love until they accomplished their career goals: you may have gotten things backward. It seems that when we have a solid base of support from our loved ones, we feel free to take bigger chances and gain bigger rewards. This idea is known as the Dependency Paradox: encouraging independence by accepting a partner's dependence.
People who easily handle anything life throws at them usually have someone at home who depends on them.
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Lead researcher Dr. Brooke Feeney wanted to test the basic tenets of Dependency Theory, which fostered the notion that, as psychologist Rodolfo Mendoza-Denton, Ph.D., described, "by accepting dependence from loved ones, one can foster their independence."
To do so, Feeney brought a number of romantic couples into her lab to complete questionnaires and perform specific tasks. In one experiment, the researchers asked one member of the couple to say how much he or she accepted the other's dependency (e.g., "I am responsive to my partner's needs"), with higher scores indicating more dependency. The other member of the couple was put in a separate room and was told to complete some challenging puzzles.
The couples were also provided with computers to "talk" via instant messaging, but this wasn't actually true; it was a trick. The subjects working on the puzzles thought their partner was the person they were talking to, but it was actually one of the researchers helping them with hints, advice, and occasional solutions to the puzzles.
As summarized by Mendoza-Denton, she found that "the more participants reported being responsive to their partners’ needs for comfort and support, the more likely the partners were to want to solve the puzzles without solution hints from their partners." Simply knowing you can depend on someone fully makes you more confident in yourself, which fosters independence.
Additional research found that when a person feels safe to depend on a loved one, they are more successful and independent.
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Dependence is often seen as a weakness from a societal standpoint. Needing someone makes you vulnerable. It's a kink in your armor. In reality, it's no different than a parent supporting their child through tough times. When kids aren't afraid to fail because they have their parents' love and support no matter what, they are more likely to succeed independently.
Feeney determined that knowing you have someone to depend on at home led to greater independence and success, but she wanted to take that research one step further. In another study, she found that it wasn't just knowing you have someone to depend on that fosters independence, but to a greater degree, knowing that you are safe to depend on that person.
The distinguishing factor is having a partner's acceptance of your dependence. It's not just knowing you can depend on your boyfriend or wife; it's knowing they accept and welcome your dependence, which fosters the strength to take on whatever life throws at you.
The study summed it up this way: "Using multiple methods, this investigation tested the hypothesis that a close relationship partner's acceptance of dependence when needed (e.g., sensitive responsiveness to distress cues) is associated with less dependence, more autonomous functioning, and more self-sufficiency (as opposed to more dependence) on the supported individual."
In other words, knowing that you have someone who will be there when you need them and welcomes the fact that you might need a soft place every now and again gives you strength. When your needs are met with trust and support, you thrive.
Christine Schoenwald is a writer, performer, and astrology lover. She's had articles in The Los Angeles Times, Salon, and Woman's Day.
