Deeply Unhappy Wives Often Say 5 Phrases That Husbands Conveniently Ignore
Anatoliy Karlyuk | Shutterstock The contempt silently builds inside her heart and mind. She mutters phrases to herself in reply to arguments long since swept under the rug. The repeated words of a deeply unhappy wife become a chant for stress relief and a wish for some kind of happiness.
The words of this sad, lonely wife spiral in her mind until the phrases burst out, and sadly her words often go misunderstood or even totally ignored.
5 phrases deeply unhappy wives often say that husbands unfortunately tend to ignore, according to experts:
1. 'If you would just...'
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A phrase that wives who are deeply unhappy in their marriages use begins with "if he would just..." and finish with something pretty simple, says divorce attorney Jennifer Hargrave. A wife who uses this phrase is often looking to her husband to change to make her happy, which can totally unhealthy if she's not careful.
Unhappy wives live their lives feeling stuck because they believe that the power to change their circumstances is outside of them. Sometimes this is true. For example, if her parter is unfaithful or has a dependency on a chemical or a compulsive habit, she can't make him stop doing things that harm their relationship.
Other times, she thinks if he were friendlier or more affectionate or any other number of things, that everything would be better. And while he should absolutely stop ignoring her when she says what changes she needs and do his best, in these types of cases, one little thing won't change her level of happiness.
When she is ready to take her power back and to no longer accept the things that are unacceptable to her, she will change her life. But that change is scary, and so many people instead choose to live their lives stuck. And unhappy.
2. 'Can I tell you how I feel about that?'
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Personal and professional coach Susan Allan told me that this phrase tells you your partner feels powerless, even to express their feelings and unmet needs about an existing situation.
This may be due to their lack of skills to motivate other people to listen to them but this can also develop from a lack of empathy from their spouse.
When a wife asks if it is okay to express her feelings, her spouse might respond with defeating words or even nonverbally. Nonverbal communication is a key aspect of empathy because our body language telegraphs how we feel. It may be tempting to roll your eyes in disgust or interrupt, yet these two habits cause so many divorces that they aren’t worth it.
A small smile and a loving gaze, along with an open posture, on the other hand, help reconnection, and from that moment, love can grow and Allan suggests people who feel disconnected and disempowered try it.
3. 'You're right, I shouldn't feel this way'
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This phrase may sound like agreement, but it's a warning sign that a wife has emotionally checked out of her marriage, cautions therapist Dr. Gloria Brame. In the wife's head, the sentence continues: "...and yet I do feel this way. Maybe that means I need to get out of this marriage."
While a husband may wish to ignore that there would normally (and ideally) be more to that sentence, it's not healthy to allow oneself to be talked out of their feelings.
It's the language of someone who's given up fighting for her emotional needs. She's learned that talking about her needs only leads to dismissal, gaslighting, or being told she's the problem. She has stopped trying to be heard and started planning her exit strategy instead. She doesn't believe the dynamic will ever improve. She's simply avoiding conflict while she processes what comes next.
Ironically, husbands often interpret the phrase as agreement with their points of view. They may not even realize their wives are weighing the pros and cons of divorce.
4. 'How many times do I have to tell you?'
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Couples counselor Larry Michel says this phrase indicates deep frustration and emotional fatigue due to repeated unmet needs or ignored requests. It suggests one or both partners feel unheard, disregarded, and harbor accumulating resentment within the relationship.
This is the result of poor communication and a lack of understanding of how their partners use language and emotions to express themselves. And, while it's not necessarily kind to say something like "how many times do I have to tell you?" it's a sign someone is deeply unhappy and the overall emotion behind the statement should not be ignored.
And ultimately, it shows a lack of personal responsibility and is a sign of emotional immaturity, which has to precede any communication tools they use.
5. 'Remember when we used to...'
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When a wife is deeply unhappy in her marriage and feels the relationship lacks vision or purpose, she often starts to do the next best thing: live in the past, observes writer and editor Aria Gmitter. The past will become a focal point of many conversations.
She might bring up the most positive experiences you've ever had together, fondly. The reason is that's what she's clinging to. That is what she uses to remind herself why she's in the relationship at the moment.
When there's nothing tangible to look forward to, like a date night or a ritual or any sort of goal that puts you and her against the world as a team, she carries the memory of what used to be.
If you're not listening to the meaning beyond the phrase, you'll miss the fact that she's sad and feeling like the relationship is dying, and all that's left are memories.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
