I Thought Marriage Would Be Easy — Until These 9 Truths Woke Me Up Real Quick
Ahmed | Unsplash Nobody tells you how quickly marriage humbles you. One minute you're confident you've got this, and the next you're wondering why something that looks so easy from the outside suddenly feels so complicated. These nine truths hit fast and hard, forcing couples to unlearn a lot of romantic myths — and replace them with something far more honest and sustainable.
I thought marriage would be easy, until these 9 truths woke me up real quick:
1. Commitment is a daily choice you make
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With this commitment, you both value and respect the person you are with, taking them and your commitment seriously. Living from your heart, with an appreciation for what your partner brings to the relationship and how they help you learn and grow as you experience life with them.
UCLA psychologists who studied 172 couples over 11 years found that true commitment means more than just liking being married. The couples who stayed together were the ones willing to say, "Honey, we need to work on this," even when it was hard, proving that commitment is about making the daily choice to preserve your relationship through tough times.
2. You don't automatically know how to communicate
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You both need to be good listeners and seek to understand each other, getting beyond the words by asking questions for clarity and understanding. You can speak your truth with words of peace with each other. Taking responsibility for your own feelings in your communication, rather than blaming your partner for your feelings.
A study by BMC Public Health found that couples who went through communication skills programs showed real improvements in how they talk to each other. The research made it clear that good communication is a learned skill rather than something that just happens naturally in marriage.
3. Unconditional love means loving them even when you don't really like them
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You both must honor and support the imperfect person perfectly through understanding, acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. Unconditional love and acceptance are the greatest gifts we can offer another human being.
Research found that people who feel unconditionally loved by their partners tend to show higher levels of relationship satisfaction and commitment. The studies explain that unconditional love creates a safe space where both partners can be vulnerable and authentic without fear of judgment.
4. Real intimacy requires vulnerability
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You both must understand the importance of vulnerability and know that without vulnerability, trust and real intimacy are difficult to attain and sustain. Vulnerability and trust happen in a non-judgmental atmosphere. Intimacy means: “Into me you see.” Can you see your partner for who they are in that moment, without fear, criticism, or judgment?
The "how" of vulnerability happens by being honest with your feelings and experiences, or mindful of the ways you conduct and express yourself. You'll also need to be open and accept yourself and your partner as you both are. Practice non-judgment. It is especially important to practice first and foremost with yourself. If you are honest, open, and willing with yourself, you will be honest, open, and willing with your partner.
5. Your job is not to fix them
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If you need to “fix” your partner, you are likely being a “rescuer” and thus avoiding yourself and your own insecurities and struggles with self-love. Also, fixing someone enables that person to continue the same needy behavior patterns and keeps them in the victim and needy energy. Fixing or rescuing doesn’t empower your partner to change and grow.
Rather than fix them, consider coaching them, affirming them, and empowering them that the answer to their struggle is within them. Just being present for the other, holding space for them, listening to them, and affirming their struggles/concerns is often the best way to assist them in the situation. Condemning your partner is judging your partner.
Judgment is the withholding of love. It’s not accepting them as they are. It’s another way of avoiding yourself; building yourself up as you tear the other down. This creates conflict, power struggles, and a sense of having power over another in the relationship. Relationships are meant to be about power-with, not power-over.
6. You need separate lives to create a shared one
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It’s healthy and important to share time. This should be quality time for connection and intimacy to develop and mature. It’s not about smothering or just being “roommates.” It means we desire and enjoy spending time with each other.
We also value being included in the company of our partner’s extended family, friends, co-workers, etc. Remember, love includes, not excludes. In this balance, we also value the importance of each partner having their own “me” time with family, friends, co-workers, wellness, etc. Most importantly, as a couple, we honor the need for either of us to have times of solitude or alone time.
7. Having each other's backs means fighting fair — even when you're furious
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When you or your partner needs aid or assistance, the other will be there as best they can, physically and/or emotionally. Out of love, you give of yourself, without losing yourself to what’s needed or important from you. You don’t avoid your partner for your own selfish needs or out of fear of ignorance of their need.
Research from the Gottman Institute on 124 newlywed couples found that how you start a fight in the first three minutes determines not only how that conversation will go but the future of your relationship. Their decades of research show that successful couples have learned to fight fairly and productively instead of attacking each other.
8. Appreciation matters more than you think
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This means that out of love, you freely affirm your partner and/or do acts of service without the need for payback or saying (or thinking), “You owe me.” You also value the importance of physical touch, as a way of showing affection and keeping our connection alive; through hugs, holding hands, and cuddling, etc.
University of Illinois researchers studied 316 couples over fifteen months and found that feeling appreciated by your partner protects your relationship from stress. The research showed that gratitude acts as a buffer against both everyday challenges, like financial strain, and relationship issues like poor communication.
9. Your partner becomes your mirror, reflecting back everything you need to work on
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The issues that come up while being with your partner show you what wounds and false beliefs are not resolved within yourself. You must choose to take responsibility for this — along with treating yourself and your partner with respect and acceptance.
Yes, relationships are serious endeavors, and not to be taken for granted or lightly. Having said this, a healthy and sustainable relationship is more childlike, i.e. curious, unconditional, spontaneous, and playful, rather than childish, i.e., controlling, demanding, selfish, or conditional within it. Incorporating these nine relationship qualities will go a long way toward having a healthy and mature relationship. One that offers inner awareness, strong connection, and intimacy.
David Schroeder, LMSW, CPC from Grand Rapids, MI., is a licensed social worker, certified life coach, and author of Just Be Love: Messages on the Spiritual and Human Journey.
