6 Subtle Forms Of Abuse People Often Totally Ignore Until Damage Is Already Done
Lesia Kapinosova | Shutterstock Just because you don’t need bandages, an ambulance, or a first aid kit does not mean you are not a victim of abuse. An abused person is simply a person who is dominated. Not one punch has to be thrown. All it takes is the sense that you are powerless or under someone else’s control. Abuse takes many forms, often in subtle ways.
The subtle forms of abuse people often ignore until damage is done:
1. Verbal abuse: The power of the tongue
The abuser who uses words breaks his or her victim with a stream of language that tears down, humiliates, and degrades. Everything is a convoluted debate, criticism, or even an out-of-context manipulation of the victim’s own words. The victim's voice is squashed by blame, accusations, and insults. Passive-aggressive “jokes” and negative verbal suggestions about the victim’s sanity, usefulness, or intelligence are common control tactics.
2. Psychological abuse: Power trip
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The victim of psychological abuse is mentally under siege. Mind games, threats, and punishment are the abuser's consistent instruments of control. The abuser withholds affection and connection with others. The abuser is always right. The victim is never permitted to trust the relationship; he or she is constantly uncertain and vulnerable. This usually exploits those vulnerabilities to keep the victim isolated, off-balance, and possibly even questioning his or her worth and sanity.
3. Emotional abuse: Power play
Emotional abuse is often hard for the victim to pinpoint. The abuser’s dominance is covertly applied, layer upon layer. Emotional abuse causes the victim’s self-esteem to plummet. It slowly tears down the victim's independence and self-confidence. It's often indirect and passive-aggressive.
The abuser questions, belittles, and erodes the victim's perceptions, wants, and needs, one interaction at a time. His or her choices are constantly scrutinized and controlled. The victim lives with the demoralizing idea that he or she can’t do anything right.
4. Economic abuse: Money is power
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Often accompanying other types of abuse are economic dominance and financial control. Victims of economic abuse are sometimes not permitted to work; if they do, they aren’t permitted to control their wages and finances.
Other times, the abuser refuses to work and uses the victim’s wages as his or her income. Bank accounts, financial information, and investments are tightly controlled, and the victim is usually kept in the dark regarding any specifics or entitlements. He or she is unable to obtain or use money without the abuser’s permission.
5. Cyber abuse: The power of technology
Through the power of the Internet, an abuser can humiliate, taunt, misrepresent, and manipulate the victim. The abuser may use a controlling mix of suspicion, jealousy, and possessiveness to fuel his or her need to keep tabs on the victim, calling or texting constantly. The proliferation of tech gadgets with tracking features, GPS applications, and cameras can make it very difficult for a victim to escape the abuser’s “big brother” type of control.
6. Physical abuse: Stolen power
An abuser may take or demand the surrender of a victim’s consent by assault, manipulation, or removal of reproductive rights. An abuser may try to control the victim by demanding the victim make him or herself available on demand, participate in risky intimate behavior, or forgo birth control. The damage of this abuse, especially during childhood, is devastating and degrading, and victims often suffer from debilitating shame.
The abuser uses the victim’s own body against him or her, so the harm is uniquely internal and traumatic. Abuse is multifaceted, sometimes both obvious and subtle. Too often, people are reluctant to call their own terrifying, life-shattering, traumatic experiences “real abuse," as the obvious wrongdoing is often accompanied by confused feelings of love, affection, and physical pleasure.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Linda K. Laffey is a marriage and family therapist and certified EMDR therapist who is passionate about helping others.
