People Who Come Out Stronger After Divorce Usually Go Have To Go Through 5 Emotional Stages First
microcosmos | Shutterstock Divorce can knock even the most prepared person completely off balance.
Mine caught me off guard, and being the planner I am, I found that more than a little disconcerting. I had studied Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and knew about the five stages of grief, but I hadn't planned on applying them to my own life. What I soon learned was that denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance didn't move smoothly from one stage to the other. There was no beginning, middle, or end for each stage, and I visited several stages more than once. So anyone trying to come out stronger after divorce can do the same as they work through these five emotional stages.
People who come out stronger after divorce have to go through these 5 emotional stages first:
1. Denial: You initially deny that your marriage is really over
This was my favorite. Nothing like moving through a storm and pretending all is well with the world. Denial is your psyche's way of protecting you from becoming emotionally overwhelmed. Denial is a useful coping mechanism, as long as it doesn’t keep you from progressing to the next stage. Use this stage to your benefit, but don’t abuse it. After a while, refusing to face reality becomes a very unattractive trait.
2. Anger: You let yourself feel angry about what happened
This stage I visited often, and my ex took the blame for nearly everything that went wrong. Seriously, when your world is falling down around you, who better to blame for all your problems than a crazy ex-husband? If the car battery died, guess who I blamed? If it rained on a day I had planned to go to the beach, it was his fault. I had no role in any adversity that came my way!
During the anger phase, he became the worst lover I had ever had, ugly beyond description, a slob, a wimp… my anger did a number on him and his character. My advice about the Anger Stage? Have at it! As long as there are no little ears to hear your disparaging and insulting remarks about your ex, feel free to let out all the pent-up anger you stuffed during the Denial Stage.
3. Bargaining: You try to find a way to get your old life back
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In this stage, you will attempt to repair and undo the damage done to your life. Bargaining is when you stop and say, “I can’t handle this emotionally. I’ll negotiate anything with them, turn myself inside out if need be, but I can’t go through this.”
It is an attempt to put on the brakes, stop that runaway train, and get your “life” back. It might not have been a great life, but it was a lot better than what you are experiencing now. During the bargaining stage, my ex was the best lover I had ever had. I missed his beautiful face and his manly demeanor. He was God’s gift, and I wanted him back. Thankfully, I moved quite swiftly through the Bargaining Stage.
Bargaining is a last-ditch attempt at coming to terms with the decision to divorce. If you are the leaver, it is during this stage that you will either realize you’ve made the right decision or a mistake.
If you are the one being left, this is the stage where you will begin to pursue your husband/wife. You want them back at all costs to you and your self-esteem. The thing to remember is that they will also go through the Bargaining Stage. If they have made a mistake, they will realize it and undo what they have set in motion.
4. Depression: The sadness of losing your marriage really starts to sink in
You’ll be in bed or in front of the television for most of this stage. Sadness, debilitating sadness, becomes your constant companion. This is the one stage we all expect. We know that depression is going to hit; what we don’t realize is that depression can go hand in hand with all the stages of grief.
You may not bathe for three days during the Denial Stage. Hair care takes a back seat during the Anger Stage, so much so that you begin to look like Hagalina Magalina.
You’re smart, though, and have surrounded yourself with a good support system. The support of family and friends can go a long way, but a therapist or counselor can offer trained support if your sadness feels overwhelming or begins interfering with your ability to function.
Cry it out and talk, talk, talk to someone who is trained to help you eliminate those toxic emotions.
5. Acceptance: You accept the divorce and start moving forward
You’ll love this stage. When it hits, you’ll throw your head back and laugh. There is light at the end of the tunnel and life ahead. You’ve moved through adversity and learned from it. Full steam ahead!
Be warned, though: acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t still have negative emotions about your divorce. You may still feel some anger; there may still be sadness at the loss of your marriage.
You’ve learned to “accept” the reality of the situation, though. You may always have feelings of regret over the loss of your marriage, but it is regret you can live with. You are no longer stuck in your grief. If you’re lucky, it no longer keeps you from living your life. If there are still feelings of grief, they are at least no longer holding you back from living life.
Divorced Women Online is an online magazine written by divorced women, for divorced women. Whatever stage women are at, DWO offers support, information, and expert advice every step of the way.
