The Art Of Loving Through It All: 4 Simple Ways To Love A Partner With High Anxiety
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva Living with an anxiety disorder, I've learned to dread a lot of things. Talking to strangers? No, thank you. Taking on large projects that require lots of responsibility? Please, stay away from me. Of course, I overcome many of my fears through hard work, but anxiety isn't something I can wish away.
Being the center of attention for any reason? I'd rather crawl under a rock and stay there. I generally want to steer away from any type of forced social interaction or pressure, period. So imagine my delight (read: horror) whenever someone decides they should ask me on a date. Do they know how difficult loving someone with anxiety can be?
I think about canceling at least a hundred times, but I'll draft the text, even though I probably really like him. And this is just before the first date! Can you imagine what a whole relationship is like?
Through some serious trial and error, I have learned that loving someone with anxiety is not impossible at all. In fact, there are wonderful things about those of us more prone to anxiety! It's well worth the effort.
Here are 4 simple ways to love and support a partner with high anxiety:
1. Leave room for their self-doubt at the table
My trust is not difficult to earn unless you happen to actually be me. I'm pursuing a degree in Communications, but I've already got my Ph.D. in Insecurity. I'll try to keep my self-deprecation internalized because, on top of everything else, I'm worried I'll annoy you with my vanity.
Regardless, these insecurities will trickle their way into other aspects of our relationships. I'll constantly need to be on time because I'm sure everyone will judge me for being late, but I also won't want to show up early, because what if we're the only people there? Then who will we talk to?
There are a variety of ways to help your insecure partner learn how to deal with anxiety, depending on how they respond best. I've found that I'm partial to the "No lies" approach. When my partner doesn't needlessly flatter me but pays me genuine compliments when I'm not actually fishing, I can rely on them as a voice of reason. I put my faith in them to give me the cold, hard facts of a situation without sugarcoating it.
2. Sometimes they really need to stay in
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There are times when my anxiety is at a four, but I'm treating it like I'm at a 10. I'm allowing myself to spiral, and I need someone to tell me that it's going to be OK and we really will be fine going to dinner with your uber-successful boss and his part-time model girlfriend.
There are other times, however, when I feel like my anxiety is at a strong nine because it really is a strong nine, and I need to stay in. I'll need to cancel those dinner plans or tell you to take someone else to the concert, and I'll apologize until you're sick of hearing my voice. I'm drained. I just need to stay in.
If your partner is the same way, it can be extremely frustrating, I know. Be patient, and remember that every time they engage in self-care, they are furthering their own healing process. You'll be grateful when they've had the chance to ride out the worry and are ready to reengage.
3. Don't shy away from talking about panic attacks
Honestly, thinking about having that first panic attack in front of my S.O. still makes me nervous. They're a confusing and terrifying experience that makes you more vulnerable than you would probably choose to be. Plus, the unpredictability of it all makes possibly triggering situations feel like a landmine.
Consider talking to your partner about their panic attacks early on in the relationship. Give them an idea of what to expect, but only share what you're comfortable with. If they need to be alone when they have a panic attack (like I do) have them tell you. If they need someone to engage them in physical contact to reassure them, make sure you're aware.
For me, it's difficult to communicate basically anything when I'm in the midst of an attack, so having this conversation beforehand is beneficial.
4. There will be plans, but also there won't be plans
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Something that soothes my anxiety is having a detailed knowledge of exactly how things will happen in any given situation so that I'm not taken by surprise. Obviously, that's not always possible, but I try to accommodate that need when it's in my control. The "unknown" is a terrifying place to exist when your nerves rule your brain.
However, even though I love myself a good to-do list, I am also terrifyingly indecisive. I don't want to make decisions because what if you don't like what I choose? I want you to like me, and these things are mutually exclusive in my mind.
I've found that a good first step toward a solution can simply be to alternate who makes specific decisions. Today I'll decide where we go out, and tomorrow you decide. Alternating days satisfies my need to plan, while also taking away the pressure of making a last-minute decision.
Anxiety should not define you or your relationship
Anxiety plays a huge role in my life, but it is not me. My partners have shared space with my anxiety, but it is not them. There are so many other facets of a person aside from their struggles, emotional or otherwise.
Having anxiety is exhausting, but it does not control me, nor do I ever want to allow it to. Appreciate that it is a small part of what makes a person, not the whole.
If anxiety ever seems to consume every aspect of your relationship, take a step back. Reevaluate what steps are being taken towards self-care and the relationship itself. Having a wonderful, functional relationship with someone who has anxiety is totally possible and rewarding, as long as you're not centered around it.
Karenna Meredith is a blogger and a former editorial assistant for PopSugar. She has been featured in Salt Lake Tribune, Freshly Picked, BYU Universe, Livingly, and more.
