Psychology Says Most People Ignore These 7 Questions Before Getting Back With An Ex
Smgrafias | Pexels Breakups are hard. There are so many things to consider and reflect upon, and most of the time we miss them. Whether it’s the company they provided or the mere fact that you miss having them in your life as a whole. You constantly have them on your mind.
The loneliness may have triggered feelings for an ex again, or you’ve noticed a change in their behavior that is enticing you to make amends and go back to them. Regardless, you do need to take your time and consider these questions before getting back with an ex to avoid making a rash decision.
Psychology says most people ignore these 7 questions before getting back with an ex:
1. 'Why did it end the first time?'
You may have your own opinion on why it ended that may be different than what your former partner sees as the reason. This can cause huge rifts in the relationship. So it’s important to get on the same page, or at least express your opinions on it, so you are both aware of each other’s views.
Dr. Susan Sprecher at Illinois State University found that, while ex-partners generally agreed on who was responsible, there was no link between the amount of distress each person felt. Two people can live through the same breakup and walk away with completely different emotional stories about what happened, which is exactly why getting both versions out in the open matters so much before trying again.
2. 'What does an ideal relationship look like to you?'
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This gives each person an opportunity to state their personal beliefs on what their ideal “relationship goals” would be. This can help see that your and your ex’s visions are aligned. This is also a great indicator in terms of what you’re both looking for, too.
A three-year study found that the closer someone's partner matched their ideal standards, the higher their satisfaction, but it leveled off once the match was "good enough." Couples who openly discuss those expectations are better at reducing the kind of silent discrepancies that quietly chip away at a relationship.
3. 'What have you learned while we’ve been apart?'
Sometimes people just need their time apart to realize what they want in life or are missing out on. If the cause behind your breakup is that they needed time or space, this is a crucial question to ask to get your answers on what they were searching for and what they learned. Their thoughts on a relationship could very well have changed, and this will give you those answers.
People who developed a real understanding of why their breakup happened showed less anxiety, less depression, and better functioning in future relationships, research has found. The growth included sharper conflict skills and greater confidence in intimacy, suggesting that time apart only works if you actually use it to figure something out.
4. 'Is there anything you would have done differently in our relationship?'
You may not have been aware of the issues your partner had in your relationship that perhaps could have led to a breakup or that they secretly struggled with. Plus, if you want to move forward, you will know what changes need to be made to strive for success in the future and establish guidelines.
People who took some responsibility for a breakup, rather than placing all the blame on their partner, experienced greater personal growth afterward. According to research, owning your part fostered a sense of control and the belief that you could do things differently next time, while pointing the finger outward tended to keep people stuck in sadness and negativity.
5. 'What issues did we have that went unresolved?'
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Sometimes there’s no answer for this. Especially if they broke up with you for a personal reason (usually mentally as well). It could be about leaving coffee mugs around the house half-empty, or a fight that you two had over something four years ago. But it’s important to express these to work towards a clean slate.
Renowned American psychologist Dr. John Gottman's research found that 69% of relationship conflicts are unsolvable, rooted in fundamental personality differences or core needs. The couples who thrived weren't the ones who resolved everything, but the ones who learned to talk about those issues openly instead of letting them harden into resentment.
6. 'How has your life changed since the breakup?'
Usually, when a breakup is fresh, you realize how much of an impact they had on your life and how much you miss them or don’t. This is the question that will help you realize that.
They could realize that they didn’t want to see other people or that they hated being single. Maybe even that they appreciate your kind actions more. Or they might have had major life changes that you are unaware of, but should be. Always, always ask this question.
7. 'Are you open to rekindling?'
If they say no, then there is absolutely no point in pursuing this relationship any further. Plain and simple, they either want to be with you or they don’t. And there’s nothing wrong with that at all.
But just know that if they aren’t willing to work on it, then you shouldn’t waste your time and keep forcing them. Getting back with an ex doesn’t always have to mean that you’re lonely or just want to have someone to occupy your time.
It also doesn’t mean that your relationship just didn’t work and should never be revisited. As we all know, they may not work at a particular time for personal reasons. However, sometimes an old relationship can be rekindled when the timing is right. And these questions will definitely help you identify if this move is best for you and your hopeful relationship.
Brittany Christopoulos is a writer, journalist, and fill-in TV co-host. She's a Senior Writer and Head of Trending News for Unwritten.
