People Who've Stayed Happily Married For Decades Often Notice These 3 Changes In Themselves
francescoridolfi.com | Canva "Honey, you are beautiful even when you have curlers in your hair," my husband says. My brain wants to say, "No way," but my whole body softens to this compliment, and I feel good all over. People who’ve stayed happily married for decades often notice how things like compliments can be in short supply. Yet, research has shown how compliments boost self-esteem and foster security in a marriage.
This is one way the past can affect our relationships, like my husband, who was micro-managed by his mom and resented it. So, I make sure he decides where we go and what we do at least half the time. My relationship with the love of my life is a wonder in how we can change within ourselves. This allows us to heal the hurt or neglected parts of us from relationships earlier in our lives.
People who've stayed happily married for decades often notice these 3 changes in themselves:
1. They notice that healthy love changes how they respond emotionally
Discoveries about how the brain first develops loving responses can help you understand what you can do to create positive change in your own and your partner's "love brain." When you were an infant (birth to 18 months), important things happened in your brain. You learned to "read" faces and voices to know whether your caretakers were dependable and loving or distant and distracted.
You may have been "securely attached," able to move away from Mom, and then glad to see her when she came back. If you did not experience her as dependable, you may have pretended she was there all along and not seemed to notice her reappearance, or her reappearance may have even been met with anger. Researchers observed babies and their moms together and followed them as they grew up to learn how these experiences between baby and mom affected their later lives.
2. They notice that small, daily interactions have the power to heal old wounds
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So what does that have to do with adults in love? What if you didn't have the perfect childhood? Few of us do. These early patterns of reaction grow up with us. But they are capable of change throughout our lives, depending on the quality of relationships we experience. The hundreds of interactions that take place daily in an intimate partnership are the best source of healing we have. Relationships give us the chance to "re-parent" one another — a wonderful opportunity.
The challenge is to know yourself and partner well. A study helped explain how you can also trigger fear or rejection in one another. That may happen often. Or you can respond to your partner soothingly. That way, you can heal the part that is expecting rejection or disconnection. We talk of "pushing each other's buttons" in a negative way. Instead, we can create healing moments.
3. They notice they've learned how to accept love, not just give it
This requires learning to accept positive moves as well as giving them. It's not as easy as it sounds! My first reaction to my partner's compliment was to push it away. I had to learn that his compliment was his, and that I needed to open up to it and accept it. My husband’s first reaction to my asking for his opinion on what he wanted to do was, "What would you like to do?" He had to learn that I really wanted him to decide this time.
What an opportunity we have as partners! As one man put it, "My wife knows what bothers me and how to soothe me. She does this for me, and I do it for her."
When I am tired and crabby, my husband responds with a comforting touch and sympathetic "How can I help?" rather than matching my bad mood. His gentle touch and empathy allow the unhappy little girl in me to grow up a little, and I can act like the loving adult I want to be. Then I love him even more.
When he is upset, he often gets quiet and distant. I can feel it in the air. I go to him and say, "Honey, you seem far away. Is something bothering you? Can we talk about it?" After a moment, he responds, especially if I touch him affectionately.
If he is not ready to talk, he says, "I want to, but not now. How about in an hour?" That's OK because I know we will talk, and it will be fine when we do. We know each other well enough to give what heals and keeps our romance alive and thriving.
Colene Sawyer Schlaepfer, MFT, Ph.D., has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for 40 years and is the author of Fishing by Moonlight, The Art of Enhancing Intimate Relationships.
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