Men Slowly Losing The Ability To Stay Calm Often Hear 11 Phrases From Their Wives In Everyday Conversations
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock Have you ever noticed that there are a few things women say that offend men more than women? Often, they trigger insecurity or even make them feel emotionally unsafe. They are not inherently rude, but they just rub them the wrong way.
While you don't want to have to tip-toe around your partner, it's good to be thoughtful about what you say to them out of simple kindness, and they should do the same for you. Men who hear phrases like these regularly from their wives often struggle to keep calm, and while it's their repsonsibility to manage their reactions, it might be good to take a look at these phrases and consider avoiding them.
11 things husbands hear from their wives in daily conversations that cause them to lose their ability to stay calm:
1. 'Man up'
Telling a man to "man up" is outright offensive. You are undoubtedly telling him that he is not acting like a man, whatever that means to you. The phrase reinforces toxic masculinity and emotionally repressive forms of male expression by suggesting that his expression of emotions and vulnerability make him less of a man in your eyes. This lets him know that your preference is for him to focus on being dominant, aggressive, hyper-competitive, and to suppress his feelings.
This problematic comment encourages and pressures men to push their emotions down instead of addressing them. By now, we know how harmful that can be, resulting in negative outcomes like relationship issues and mental health problems. Instead, why not uplift and empower him by saying, "I believe in you and want to give you what you need to feel supported?"
2. 'You're just like my ex'
There is nothing that annoys a man more than being compared to the ex you left behind. When you tell him that he is just like a person you may now consider a loser, you are letting him know that he is no better than your last man, and may just end up on the chopping block as well. It's a veiled attempt to triangulate the two of them and inspire him to compete with the ghost of your past to prove he is the better man.
This is pure and simple manipulation. Instead of expressing your disappointment in a healthy way, you have opted to try to lower his sense of self as punishment for letting you down. A better approach to take when your man has done something you don't like is to say, "When you do that, it reminds me of something difficult I have experienced before. Can we talk about it in a different way?"
3. 'Whatever'
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Anyone, men included, hates being dismissed with the phrase "whatever". It tells a person that what they have to say does not matter to you. You have let their words go in one ear and out the other and withdrawn emotionally. When you say this to a man, he knows you have shut down and that whatever he has to say is pointless. So, in return, he shuts down, and nothing ever gets resolved.
Good communication is the foundation of a successful relationship. We need to learn how to express ourselves in a clear, respectful, and empathetic way. Words have power, and once spoken, some can never be taken back. Instead of pushing him away, say, "I need a minute to think. Let's talk later on."
4. 'You never' or 'You always'
Blanket statements pretty much never result in the outcome you want. They feel unfair and accusatory when hurled at the man in your life. These exaggerated criticisms are interpreted as you saying that he cannot do anything right when it comes to you. It discounts any good things he has done for you and makes him feel like, overall, he has failed at being a good partner to you.
Those words don't allow space for growth and don't give him any grace. It makes your needs feel like a mountain that he might not have the proper equipment to climb. Instead of painting his entire existence with a dirty brush, try being more specific about what is bothering you by saying, "Sometimes, it feels as if this keeps happening. Can we figure out together?" That turns the perception into the two of you versus the problem instead of each other.
5. 'Grow up'
I recently told my ex to "grow up", something I've never said while we were married. I was in a state of annoyance and knew the phrase was emasculating. He, in turn, reacted with angry emotion. But if you have a man that you actually want in your life, you should know that this phrase will do nothing to keep him there. You are essentially telling him that he is behaving like a child and might not have the ability to be the man you expect him to be.
This slams the door to maturity shut and locks it with shame. In your eyes, he is not qualified to be your other half because you are operating as an adult, and he doesn't know how to. Instead, tell him, "I want to have a mature and productive conversation with you. Are you willing to do that with me?"
6. 'You're overreacting'
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Telling a person who is expressing themselves in a passionate way that they are overreacting is a guaranteed way to either get them to totally shut down or cause their emotions to escalate. Intentional or not, you are invalidating their feelings that they are already struggling to share in the first place. You are minimizing the issue and telling them that they are seeing it wrong.
This is upsetting and disrespectful, a clear indication that you are not coming from an empathetic place. Men tend to have a hard time opening up, and if you shut them down the moment they do, the odds of them being vulnerable with you in the future are slim to none. Instead of dismissing his feelings during highly emotional times, be curious to learn more. Say, "Help me to understand why this matters to you."
7. 'Do you even care?'
This might seem like a great question to you, and due to his recent behavior, it could be genuinely on your mind. But it immediately puts him on the defensive and can feel like a trap. The question alone says that you doubt he has any concern and pushes him to say something to convince you that is not the case. If he feels like he is doing his best and you still don't recognize it, he may be at a loss for how to please you.
The real problem is that he is not expressing his love in the way that you expect him to. He might believe he is doing everything right and still falling short. Again, good communication could have prevented this. Understanding each other's love languages is a good way to know how your partner would like to be treated. Instead of insinuating that he doesn't care, tell him, "Sometimes, I feel disconnected. Can we reconnect in a way that feels right for both of us?"
8. 'You're just being a guy'
When you tell a man that he is just being a guy, you are either excusing bad behavior and enabling it, or you are playing into negative gender stereotypes and boxing him in. Generally, this is said to explain actions you disagree with. You are telling him that aggressive, loud, violent, and dominant are expected from him because, being born a guy, he doesn't know better.
I will say that there is a flip side to this commentary. If you are proud of something he has done, you might say it to mean that he knows how to make tough decisions, is a protector, and a provider. Either way, you are generalizing instead of talking about the issue at hand. A better thing to say is, "Can we talk about how that made me feel?"
9. 'I'll do it myself'
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Telling a man that you will just do something yourself is never done when you are in a happy place. You feel like he has let you down and that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. It speaks to his lack of capability and accountability, and is dismissive of any efforts he may have already made.
He now knows you are impatient and no longer have time to wait for him to show up for you. On the surface, you are only talking about one incident, but for him, it is a judgment on his reliability and partnership. He might be slower or less skilled in a particular thing than you are, but he thought he was doing his best. Instead of downplaying his efforts, say something like, "Can we do this together? That would mean a lot to me."
10. 'My friends think you are...'
It's important to men that their woman's friends and family see them in a good light. They know how important it is to her that everyone sees him as good for her. So when you start to share negative thoughts and opinions that the people close to you have about him, he feels judged. People who aren't even involved in the relationship are giving their thoughts when it's really not their business. It feels like a violation to him.
Making private issues public is not always a good idea if you want to have a great relationship, and a balance between finding support in your friends and family and betraying your partner can be tenuous. Once you put information about yourself and your partner out there, you can't get it back. Even if the two of you work through your problems, your friends may never forget what you shared and hold it against him. What's most important is what you think. Be careful who you talk to about your relationship. A listening ear usually comes with a running mouth.
11. 'Nothing's wrong'
One of the things that men hate most is when their lady clearly has an issue with them or something they did, but refuses to say it. Her mood is off, or she is sharp with her tongue, but when he asks what's wrong, she simply replies, "Nothing." He feels helpless and is trapped in limbo, unsure of whether you want to be around him or not.
Communication is key when trying to resolve interpersonal issues with your partner. In order to fix the problem, he first needs to know that it exists. Not knowing triggers anxiety and frustration, and if we can be honest, ladies, that is the intent. But let's put our toxic, attention-seeking ways away and say what we need. "Something's bothering me, but I need a little time to think before I talk about it" is a good way to let him know that you do intend to share, so he doesn't feel shut out.
Remember, there's a difference between walking on eggshells and thus avoiding terms like these when talking to men and simply watching what you say in order to be kind. If you wonder which one of these situations you're in, reach out for support from a counselor or therapist who can give you some objective feedback.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
