Marry The Nice Guy, They Said. They Were Wrong.
zura modebadze | Pexels I thought marrying the nice guy would protect me.
I was out of an abusive relationship and single for over a year, so when I happened to meet a "nice guy" in the wild. I was pretty fine with it. He was chubby, a bit balding, and fairly unattractive. But he was funny, like-minded, and had a life story I could relate to. We were hanging out every once in a while as we were in the same field. We became friends, then partners.
I married the 'nice guy' everyone told me to choose, but they were wrong
I wanted to give him a chance, and after many bad experiences with men, a nice guy was a nice change. I was with him for his mind and potential, rather than his looks, and it worked pretty well… for a time.
See, I never craved marriage. But because it was important for him, I discussed it. After a while (and a list of reasons why it would make sense, prepared by him), we decided to marry.
I agreed to marriage because it mattered to him
I thought that if I were with a nice guy, he wouldn't cheat on me. He would cherish me, treat me well, and support my work as I would support his. I thought that he would care about what I said and show me off to his friends.
I was happy, feeling cherished, and wanted. Until I got married.
Hanna Balan / Unsplash
I believed marrying the nice guy meant I would be cherished
My mom always said that after marriage, things inevitably change in a relationship, but I never anticipated things would go off the cliff and keep rolling.
Just after our wedding, I experienced his first tantrum. But nothing could prepare me for what came next.
My husband worked in an office as a consultant; I worked in IT for the same company. One day, the company was supposed to present something to a client, but the projector died. I came in to help.
While I was soldering the cables and making things work, my husband's boss came in and asked, "How is it to have a wife that's smarter than you?" And oh, that was the downfall, the end of the nice guy.
Everything changed after the wedding. Within two months, the nice guy act was gone
Within two months of our wedding, my 'nice' husband changed into an abusive, controlling, ignorant, demanding, misogynistic, always-at-work guy.
He would ignore my achievements, belittle them, forget my birthday, not value my time, and demand that everything be done for him. I was his driver, cook, maid, and more.
Leaving him didn't end the damage right away
I left him eight months after we got married. But the drama wasn't over. He cleaned out my bank accounts and spread gossip about me, and the police had to become involved.
Not every nice guy is like this, but the label can be a warning
Of course, I'm aware that not all 'nice' guys are like my ex-husband. It's like when we wed, a flick switched, and I was married to a different person. He stopped pretending.
If you have to tell anyone that you are a "nice guy," you're likely not a nice guy at all.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or feels unsafe in a relationship, help is available. Visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE for free, confidential support.
Lexie Janson is a writer, flying car racing pilot, and public speaker.
