7 Common Phrases The Happiest Couples Never Say To Each Other
Uttering these phrases is toxic for your relationship.
Dean Drobot / Shutterstock Letting your spouse know that their thoughts and feelings are heard and acknowledged is one of the most important elements of a happy relationship. This, after all, lets people know that they are not being ignored or casually disregarded.
Conversely, denying a partner's feelings and trivializing their opinions can quickly sabotage marriage and cause all sorts of relationship problems. Unfortunately, one might ignore or write off their partner's feelings without realizing it.
This is something to be conscious of and judiciously avoided. And there are a few sample phrases that invalidate your partner that should be avoided at all costs.
Here are 7 phrases the happiest couples never say to each other
1. 'I'm sorry you feel that way.'
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This is a total non-apology that absolves you of any responsibility and shifts the blame back onto your spouse.
They're not upset about something you did, this phrase is saying, they're just upset and it's inconveniencing you. Apologizing is meant to be taking responsibility for your actions. Saying that you're sorry about how your spouse feels doesn't do that.
According to dating and relationship coach Rosalind Sedacca, "Telling your partner ‘I'm sorry you're upset' is like saying ‘I'm not sorry about the thing I did that made you upset, but I don't want you to be upset.'"
2. 'It's not worth getting upset about.'
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Such phrases not only trivialize whatever it is that has your partner upset, but also suggests that it's something they are choosing to be upset about.
Adds Erin Parisi, a licensed mental health counselor, "Placing a value judgment on why they're upset treats it like a ‘decision' and may contribute to negative feelings. Whereas just listening to your partner when they are upset is a much more powerful way of aligning yourself."
3. 'It's not about you.'
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This is a sweeping generalization that takes everything your spouse said and negates it. And it completely invalidates their feelings and place in your life.
It says that, no matter what they're actually feeling, they're actually only thinking about their own needs and desires. It robs whatever they are coming to you about, of any importance.
"This dismissive comment implies your partner is a narcissist with nothing of value to offer if they use the word ‘I' in a conversation," adds Sedacca. "It's unfair and would put anyone on the defensive."
4. 'You're being crazy.'
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Saying this phrase is just another way of attributing legitimate feelings to irrational emotions.
Telling your partner they're being "crazy" is saying that what they are feeling is solely a result of being emotionally imbalanced and, if his or her head was on straight, they would never be feeling this way.
"This phrase immediately knocks people down and puts them on the defensive," says Meg Josephson, a licensed clinical social worker. "It doesn't acknowledge or honor the pain they are going through and puts you at odds with them."
Using this phrase is definitely not a good way to support your partner.
5. 'Think of all the good things in your life.'
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Yes, it's good to be grateful for the things in your life that are going well. And most people probably do have a lot to be thankful for. But that still doesn't mean that they don't have struggles.
When you tell your partner to be happy for what they do have, it invalidates their feelings and also piles on a healthy dose of guilt and blame. It tells them, "You have no right to be upset because of what you have" and can make them feel worse than they did before.
"A spouse may hear, ‘Stop feeling sad or grieving or frustrated. You don't get to feel anything but happy because you have good things in your life,'" quips licensed clinical social worker, Julie Fanning.
6. 'I thought this was a strength of yours.'
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If your spouse offers to help with something or take on a task and then somehow doesn't quite get it right, they're already going to have their pride stung.
What they need from you at that moment is support and encouragement, not twisting the knife by passive-aggressively questioning their abilities.
"When a significant other drops the ball in an area of life where they normally excel, they will probably notice and feel it at a core level without it being pointed out that they typically handle these situations better," says licensed clinical social work and best-selling author Shannon Thomas.
7. 'Calm down.'
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This is another common phrase that wipes out any rational cause for a person's emotions and whittles it all down to pure emotion. It's telling your partner that the reason they're upset is strictly because of an irrational reaction to a situation and not because they have a valid reason.
"Calm down" can make your partner feel like you're not listening and that you don't understand them.
Life coach Stacy Caprio has a bit of advice, adding, "If you ever feel tempted to tell your partner to calm down, take a step back and see what you could say or ask them that shows you have empathy for what they are feeling."
Jeremy Brown is a writer, author, and editor. His work has appeared in many magazines, websites, and newspapers around the world, including Medium, Fatherly, Health Digest, Yahoo, Thrive Global, and many others.