When Your Kids Lie Straight To Your Face, These 2 Reasons Are Usually Behind It
Michael Mims | Unsplash You walk into the kitchen and see your kid playing video games on her tablet. "Did you feed the dog?" you ask. "Yup," she says, never looking up. A quick glance at the empty food and water bowls tells you everything you need to know. Now the dog is whining, you’re frustrated, and the lie hits harder than the chore itself.
Scenes like this play out in homes every day, and most parents react fast and emotionally. Before jumping to conclusions, it helps to remember that your child’s brain doesn’t work the same way yours does yet. When kids lie straight to your face, it’s often not about manipulation or disrespect. In most cases, these two common reasons are what’s actually behind it.
When your kids lie straight to your face, these 2 reasons are usually behind it:
1. Your child remembers doing the task, just not when
This is especially true for kids with ADD, anxiety, or other challenges. They face working memory deficits, making it difficult to recall repetitive tasks.
Often, a child remembers feeding the dog, but can't recall whether it happened today or in the recent past. Feeding the dog today is exactly like feeding the dog yesterday and feeding the dog last week. It’s hard for a child to "remember" which day is which, and the result looks a lot like "lying."
Yes, they turned in their homework. Yes, they put their soccer cleats in the closet. Yes, they ate their protein snack. They remember feeding the dog, but don't recall if it happened today or the day before.
Research on kids with ADHD found they performed way worse than other kids on tasks that required them to make judgments about when something happened or the order of events. This means they can totally remember doing the task, like feeding the dog, but they have a really hard time recalling whether it happened today or yesterday because their brains struggle with placing events in the right time sequence.
2. Lying becomes a fast way to feel safe when they're stressed
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Think about times when you’ve felt stressed or threatened. You get a knot in your throat, the hair on the back of your neck stands up, and your breath becomes shallow and rapid. In these situations, your brain shuts down, sends all the blood to your feet, and shoots cortisol into your body — a "fight or flight" response.
When you ask your child why they didn’t do their homework, feed the dog, or clean their room, it produces this same stress reaction. Now, all they want is to feel safe again. In the immediate moment, lying is a pretty darn effective way to do that.
Dr. Jerome Schultz calls this type of behavior "Saving F.A.S.E." Kids engage in behaviors, including lying, because of Fear, Avoidance, Stress, and Escape. Dr. Shultz explains that "many of the behaviors that seem negative or bad are actually self-protective strategies children employ, either consciously or unconsciously, to hide their incompetence." The "incompetence" could be deficits in working memory, the inability to focus or break focus, or other challenges with executive function.
But, whether your child's lies are intentional or not, you can still keep their lying in check:
1. Use daily structure to support working memory
One of the best ways is to give kids a checklist. When your child turns in her homework or feeds the dog, for example, they put a check mark on the list. That way, they can visually see what tasks they've done for the day.
2. Notice when your child feels threatened
Instead of accusing, calmly say, "You’re not in trouble, so tell me what happened." Then, work on getting out of the threat cycle: Taking deep breaths, having a sip of water, doing a few jumping jacks, or running in place to shift the energy back. Talk about what really happened, but only after the child has calmed down and feels safe.
3. Get curious and lead with compassion
It’s OK to feel stressed or threatened when your child lies to you. But instead of, "My kid didn’t turn in their homework again. They told me they did, they lied to me!!" try, "I’ve got a good kid who is having a hard time. I wonder what is going on and how I can help them?" It’s a simple switch, but it can make a powerful difference for both of you.
When you know your child feels stressed, threatened, or just can't recall correctly, be willing to let the lie go.
Taking a 'coach-approach' and implementing systems and structures that will help her remember or feel safe reduces her stress ... and yours, too. The truth is — kids want to be good — and you have the power to help your child succeed.
Elaine Taylor-Klaus and Diane Dempster, founders of ImpactADHD®, teach/write about practical strategies for parents of complex kids with ADHD and related challenges.
