5 Things To Do When Your Kid's Snarky Tone Is Pushing Every Single Button
Vika_Glitter | Carva Most of us have kids believing parenting will be full of laughter, fun moments, and meaningful connections. We picture ourselves as the kind of parents our kids think are cool. We even tell ourselves we're doing better than our own parents did. After all, the drama we had growing up happened because they handled things poorly, right? Then reality hits. Even the most patient, loving parents still have to set limits their kids won’t like, and when that happens, things can flip fast.
Suddenly, it's you versus a tired preschooler, a frustrated elementary-aged kid, or a moody teenager whose snarky tone pushes every single button. While that attitude can feel personal, research shows there’s more going on beneath the surface. According to the Journal of Child and Family Studies, anxiety rates among kids and teens are steadily rising, and as children get older, they’re often more sensitive to pressure than adults because they crave acceptance and connection outside their family. Snarkiness is often part of that growing process, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the moment. If you want to keep your cool and protect your relationship, here are some things to try when your kid's tone sends you straight to the edge.
Here are 5 things to do when your kid’s snarky tone is pushing every single button:
1. Show compassion instead of reacting
Do you remember being a kid? Can you recall what it was like wanting your independence, but not (quite) ready for it? Start by acknowledging and validating their emotions and struggles, while being slower to judge or jump in and "fix."
Try this: "I know that it made you mad when I told you that you couldn't go to Tara's house; anyone would be disappointed."
2. Give them space to cool off
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Focus on finding opportunities to let them test their own decision-making skills, celebrate with them when things go well, and support them in failing forward when things don’t work as planned.
Try this: "I can tell you're upset. Let's talk in 10 minutes when you have some time to calm down." (Make sure you're the one to check back in!)
3. Communicate clear boundaries
Our kids need stability to help them figure out their own rules and preferences in life. Get clear on which rules are "nice to haves" vs "must haves", for you as a parent. Be willing to let go a bit, but draw a line clearly and distinctly. Then, make it clear to your kids where you will and will not bend.
For example, in my house, it’s okay for my kids to "lose it" occasionally, but it’s a requirement that they apologize, make amends, and work to more consciously manage their triggers. After all, most adults lose it (occasionally) as well.
4. Love them even when it's not returned
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Some of our kids’ behavior changes are a way of feeling less connected to us, and more connected to the outside world — their next adventure. Sometimes, what they need most is to know that there is a safe place to return after a hard day of living life.
Sending them love even when they don’t ask for it, even when they might not reciprocate, is the most powerful gift that you can give your child. The side effects for you probably won’t hurt either. Hug them (probably goes best with #1 or #2).
5. Take care of yourself, too
No one told us that being a parent would be as hard as it is on some days. It's draining, even exhausting, being with someone who used to idolize you, but now argues every word and pushes every button.
Take some time away, get some support, enjoy the time you have, feed your own fountain, so that you have some energy for the next battle. Soon enough, the battles will be over, and the ending will be bittersweet — a grown, independent adult.
Elaine Taylor-Klaus and Diane Dempster, founders of ImpactADHD®, teach/write about practical strategies for parents of complex kids with ADHD and related challenges.
