I Tell My Daughter These 9 Things Constantly Because The World Won’t
andreswd | Canva As a mother, you want to build up your daughter's confidence. In a world that can be scary for women, the secret to success is having a strong sense of self-worth. So, of course, raising children who feel good about themselves is a secret weapon they can use when you're not around.
As a survivor of abuse, my biggest fears about having a daughter were similar to those of others striving to be good mothers. My first fear was that if I had a girl, how could I identify with her in a healthy way? My second was that if I have difficulty loving myself, how could I model self-love well enough for her? That's why I decided that before the world gets to her, here are the nine things I'm telling my daughter on repeat.
I tell my daughter these 9 things constantly because the world won't:
1. 'You are amazing every day in every way'
Deciding to carry my daughter to term was no small decision. When I was a child, I was told it would be difficult for me to have children, if I could ever get pregnant at all. Three complex pregnancies, a near-fatal episode with preeclampsia, and three premature children later, my health didn't allow for a tubal ligation to keep me from getting pregnant a fourth time.
Just when my health improved, I found out I was expecting my fourth child. Although I knew abortion was an option, I figured that if this child made it through my birth control methods, she deserved to be here. Your daughter needs to hear that you think she's the most wonderful thing on the planet (to you).
2. 'You were born to do amazing things'
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When I held my daughter, for the first time, I noticed a tiny little bump — an embryonic cyst — above her eye. Yes, babies are typically born looking like little old men, but my daughter had a serious uphill battle to climb: She was born with hardly any hair, and she looked like she'd been hit on the side of her head with a block. The mass above her eye cried out for attention — and, what's worse, it grew. The doctors told me it would have to be removed when she was older.
Tell your daughter that she has potential. Research on the impact of empowering environments on the future success of girls showed a need, " to shift gender norms and create an enabling environment for girls to reach their potential," the study explained the importance of empowering girls during adolescence, when gender attitudes are deepening."
3. 'Your mind is awesome'
From having a beautiful mind to a gorgeous inner spirit, a woman radiates what she feels inside. For most of my life, I didn't grow up with that kind of confidence. I grew up with parents from a generation that believed negative feedback would compel me to work harder so I could prove them wrong.
Part of being a woman is having a heightened sense of body awareness. I don't know if I've ever met another woman who doesn't go to war at times with her own self-image. Research has helped show how a woman's self-confidence is connected to her identification with beauty. So, remind your daughter that looks are just one part of her awesome-sauce.
4. 'You are brave'
I grew up feeling insecure and as if I always had to prove myself worthy of whatever I received. I wanted to change the tide within my own mother-daughter relationship and give my daughter the confidence I lacked, and connect with her in a way I felt I hadn't.
I believed if I had experienced unconditional love that was communicated to me daily, focused on my body with words, then maybe I would have believed it. Your daughter needs to hear from you that she has what it takes to succeed.
5. 'You are the most beautiful person in the world just because of who you are'
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I wanted my daughter to hear she was beautiful from her mother. I wanted the inner voice in her spirit to celebrate all her oddities every time she looked in the mirror. If children in the womb can be motivated by their mother to move, I believe that a child out of the womb could be motivated to confidence and solid self-esteem.
I decided that every night when I rocked her to sleep, I would tell her she was beautiful — inside and out. It became a ritual. I would bathe her, put her in her PJs, and rock her to sleep. I'd point to her nose and say, "This is beautiful."
Then, to the bump on her head, "This is beautiful." Then, to her feet, "This is beautiful." Everything that a girl grows up feeling insecure about her body, I told her was beautiful. Her nostrils, her toenails, the knobs of her knuckles — beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
By the time she was able to identify things like her fingers, toes, and shoulders, I would ask her, "What's beautiful?" And then she would tell me. I could see in her eyes that she believed she was beautiful. I honestly felt she had internalized a confidence I never had. Instill in your daughter the idea that beauty comes from within.
6. 'Your ideas matter'
One day, she came home from daycare and, over macaroni and cheese, told me, "Ms. V called me ugly." My daughter pointed to her eye bump. She said, "She said this was ugly." For the next few days, I watched my little girl go from happy to an insecure hot mess. She was me. How in the world did one person's opinion steal her joy?
How could anyone have greater power over her heart than me? I decided to get help from every person I knew who loved her. I called my mother, her older brothers, cousins, and friends. I told them what happened and asked, "Could you just tell her you love her and that she's beautiful every time you see her?"
At first, it sounded ridiculous. Wouldn't telling her she's beautiful every day make her shallow or self-absorbed? We were about to find out. What I learned from research is that it takes a long time to rebuild a female's confidence after it's lost. In a world where your daughter needs to speak up, be the first person to give her permission to use her words.
7. 'I love how you learn and grow from experience'
It took another four years for her to regain her self-confidence. After the first year, she still didn't feel beautiful. She didn't reject the notion, but she didn't respond. In the second year, she started to nod when told and to smile.
The third year, if you called her ugly, she would look at you and fearlessly ask you if something was wrong. The first time I witnessed her go into a situation where she walked away confidently with a smile from being called ugly on a playground, I realized the mantra worked. Help your daughter to see mistakes and problems as a process that's worth the tears.
8. 'You make the world a better place'
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I witnessed a mother walk into a store with a bouncing little girl who radiated joy. Without even looking at her daughter, the mother criticized her appearance. Her daughter was embarrassed.
Without meaning to, the mother just erased whatever confidence-building she may have tried with her daughter in the past, and she made me an accomplice. I decided to compliment the girl and her mother. The little girl smiled again and went back to being joyful. I learned a valuable lesson.
Encourage your daughter to see herself as part of a community, so she won't feel isolated. Research has reinforced the importance of feeling a sense of community for empowering girls.
9. 'My life changed in the best way ever the moment you arrived'
My daughter wasn't unique. All girls need this connection. Emotionally wounded girls grow up to be emotionally wounded women. An emotionally wounded girl can become a super-confident woman when she is restored to self-love with words that build her up.
If you have a daughter, you can build her self-esteem with your unconditional love and kind words. When you tell your daughter how important she is to you every day, she will know you are always appreciative of her presence in your life.
Aria Gmitter is YourTango's Senior Editor of Horoscopes and Spirituality. She graduated from the Midwestern School of Astrology and has been a practical astrologer for 40 years.
