I’m 38 And Learned Loneliness In Motherhood Isn’t Being Alone — It’s Being Needed All Day And Still Feeling Invisible
Photodojo | Canva I'm lonely. I told my single brother the other day, and he said, "But you're with people all day long. How can you be lonely?"
That's a question I've asked myself a million times since I became a mom. How can I stand here, smothered in children, and feel lonely? How can I literally have two human beings attached to my body all the time (even when I poop) and still feel lonely?
Is it because my companions can't have stimulating conversations? Is it because most of our exchanges are me telling them to do things? "Wash your hands. Stop hitting your sister. Take your hand out of your butt." Is it because my husband travels so much that he may as well have a different zip code?
Loneliness is not about being alone; it's about feeling unseen. You can be surrounded by people and still feel completely disconnected if those interactions don't give you what you actually need, which is to be genuinely heard, known, and met as a full person.
Whatever it is, I'm lonely. There are days when I don't talk to a single adult.
I'm 38 and learned loneliness in motherhood isn't being alone; it's being needed all day and still feeling invisible
Keira Burton / Pexels
There are days when no one asks how I'm doing, or what I think, or how I feel.
Days when I spend all day navigating the minefields of parenthood without making eye contact with someone who understands.
Research on first-time mothers found that loneliness in motherhood often stems not from a lack of social contact, but from relationships that lack empathy, from not being asked, not being listened to, not being met as someone with an inner life that matters.
Someone who gives me a knowing nod that says, "I get it." And that is very lonely. I thought motherhood would be a lot of things before I had kids. Exciting. Challenging. Scary. Fun. But I never thought it would be lonely. It is.
This is far more common than most moms realize or talk about. A Harvard University study found that over half of mothers with young children report serious loneliness.
Motherhood is so consuming and exhausting that it almost has to be lonely. Who has time or energy for anything else? After a day in the trenches with my kids, I don't feel like going out. Or calling a friend. I don't even have the energy to have a real conversation with my husband most nights.
I try to crack the loneliness by connecting with my kids, and as they get older, it does get better.
Not perfect, but better. I remember those brutal newborn days when I literally felt like I lived on planet invisible and everyone else was a spaceship ride away. But even though I can (sort of) have a conversation with my kids now, it doesn't replace that real, adult connection.
It doesn't replace talking to someone who looks you in the eye and listens to what you say and says, "I hear you." And that is lonely.
Deva Dalporto of MyLifeSuckers is the creator of the funny viral mom videos. Her videos have garnered over 70 million views and have been on Good Morning America, The Today Show, and People, among others.
