If Your Kid Has A Habit Of Doing This One Frustrating Thing, They’re Probably Going To Be Pretty Successful In Life
It drives you crazy, but silencing them only holds them back in life.
Kudryashova Vera | Shutterstock "Kids talking back" is a perennial complaint in parenthood. When your kid starts talking back or mouthing off, it pushes your buttons! Staying calm feels incredibly hard, even though you know — in theory — that a calm response is best for everyone involved (as well as your blood pressure).
When you're struggling to keep your cool, here's a tidbit that will undoubtedly help: When Junior throws you some attitude when he should do anything but, take comfort in the knowledge that talking back is a good indication that he is going to grow up and be pretty successful. Sure, it's frustrating now, but it's actually an important part of childhood development that you will be thankful they exhibited in the future.
When your kids push back, it's actually great for their development.
Experts agree that this behavior is actually developmentally healthy for children. Clinical psychologist Kelly M. Flanagan explained that "the inability to say 'No' — the inability to set personal boundaries — is one of the most common, insidious causes of human suffering."
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At its core, when kids push back at your authority, they're trying to exert some sense of control over their own lives. They're practicing that skill — flexing that muscle if you will — with you. Joseph P. Allen, a psychology professor at the University of Virginia, explained, "We tell parents to think of those arguments not as a nuisance but as a critical training ground."
Wouldn’t you rather your child learn to negotiate with you, first, than feel obliged to follow some other kid's directions the first time a pushy peer says, "Come on, everyone’s doing it?" Or blindly follow the directions of an adult acting inappropriately toward your child?
The focus should be on how they learn to push back.
We're ALL desperate for our kids to master the skills they need to stand up to peer pressure or danger when faced with difficult life decisions. But what if your ability to embrace (coach and help manage) your child’s burgeoning independence is the key to teaching those critical negotiation skills? Skills that enable your kids to say "No" to drugs and delay sexual experimentation until an appropriate age?
The truth is, it’s not whether they push back that really speaks to your authority. They’re kids. They’re going to push back. That’s their job. Your authority lies in HOW they push back, and in HOW you respond to them.
Are you teaching your child to challenge you with respect? Are you setting expectations (and positive examples) for appropriate communication? Do you help them understand and take responsibility for the consequences of their actions?
Your children’s ability to negotiate risky or adverse circumstances improves when you teach them to exercise control with self-awareness, respect, grace, and calm.
Parents need to remember that they're raising future adults.
We want to feel good about ourselves as parents, and somehow a 2-year-old saying, "NO!," a 9-year-old saying, "Why do I have to?" or a 14-year-old saying, "You’re not being fair" triggers insecurities about our competence as parents.
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We feel like we must maintain a minimum standard of authority as parents. Partially because that was the model WE grew up with (e.g., "I would NEVER have spoken to my parents that way!"), and partially because we want to feel like we have some sense of control over our kids. Life is easier (in the short term, when they just do what we say). But we don't ultimately have control over our kids. Not really.
Kids come into the world with a path of their own to follow. From a very early age, they start teaching us this lesson, veritably screaming at us: "It’s not about you; it’s about me!" For kids to grow into healthy, independent adults, they need to practice making decisions for themselves and negotiating for what they want, even if what they want seems absurd or unimportant to you. Because it’s not about you.
So the next time you hear yourself say, "How dare you to talk to me that way?" ... or, "Because I said so" ... or even, "I gave you a direction and I want you to do what I said," think about the message you're sending, and ask yourself how you might empower your child, instead.
Remember, this is a process, and it will take time to turn the ship. A few well-placed questions will not magically shift the relationship currently established. But a move in a new, supportive, understanding direction is a powerful play towards fostering your child’s independence, which is ultimately what parenting is all about.
Elaine Taylor-Klaus and Diane Dempster, founders of ImpactParents.com, teach/write about practical strategies to parents of “complex” kids with ADHD and related challenges. To help your kids find the motivation to get anything done, download their free parents' guide, The Parent’s Guide to Motivating Your Complex Child.
