Husband Worried About The Way His Wife Refers To Their Adopted Son
Is she treating him differently?
pics five / Shutterstock Adopting a child is one of the most loving and meaningful things a family can do. It provides a kid with a home, supportive parents, and offers them an opportunity to be cared for in a more traditional way.
A topic that is often discussed in adoption circles is how some parents might treat adopted children differently from their biological ones. A husband recently turned to Reddit to ask if a pattern he noticed in the way his wife refers to their children could be a red flag.
A husband is worried his wife is treating their adopted son differently because of the way she refers to him.
"My wife and I struggled with infertility for a few years," he wrote, "and ended up adopting our first son before she got pregnant with twins through IVF."
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The husband went on to explain that he recently noticed that his wife refers to the children in a way that separates them. For example, she might say, "I'm taking [son's name] and the twins to the park," rather than simply saying, "I'm taking the kids to the park." He said this approach feels a little off to him.
He made it clear that their son never mentioned anything about it, and that he doesn't want to feed any feeling of inadequacy. "I could've said the same thing if it was our biological child as well." This is exactly what people in the comments said.
The phrasing the wife used to differentiate the kids is totally normal.
The husband did talk to his wife, but before we dive into her reaction, it’s worth noting that he already answered his own question. He wondered whether he was overreacting, but realized he could just as easily use the same phrasing to refer to his son, even if he wasn’t adopted. Meaning, he already knew the way she referred to them was normal.
"I'm a twin mom," one user wrote, "and I think it’s more of a twin thing. It’s just natural to say 'the twins.'" Another shared their experience: "I was the only girl, so with my parents, it was 'I’m taking Angel and the boys to the lake.'"
Needless to say, this mom referring to the twins as "the twins" is just the way she communicates, and does not in any way differentiate the kids in a negative way. For example, Families Rising, a non-profit organization that supports adoptive families, emphasized that raising an adopted child is about being prepared to adapt, developing patience, loving the child for who they are, and focusing on committing to their well-being. At the end of the day, what matters most is love.
Understandably, the wife was offended that her husband assumed she was showing preferential treatment to the twins.
"So I talked to my wife about it," the husband wrote. "To my surprise, she took it as if I was suggesting she treats them differently or that the adoption might have influenced her." He added that he knows that is not the case and that they both treat the kids the same.
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He wrapped up by saying he just wanted her to be mindful of how she phrases things, "more as a precaution," and admitted he might have overanalyzed something that turned out to be nothing.
The dad may have overreacted a little, but let's give credit where it's due. According to Equinox Counseling & Wellness Center, a good dad is protective. That is exactly what he was doing, making sure the kids were not being treated differently.
And they were not. That is the end of the story. As a mom of twins noted on Reddit, it's common to refer to them that way in a sentence because it just works grammatically. The mom did nothing wrong, and neither did the dad. He was just being protective. One thing is clear: these kids have a loving family, and both of their parents are trying their best to make sure they feel loved, even paying attention to the small ways they are referred to in sentences.
Matt Machado is a writer studying journalism at the University of Central Florida. He covers relationships, psychology, celebrities, pop culture, and human interest topics.
