How To Bring A Broken Family Back Together, According To A Professional Peacemaker
halfpoint| Canva As an only child, I believed my family included three cousins I saw on Thanksgiving and once each summer. But one day, when I was 40, my boyfriend called from a Manhattan art gallery, announcing that he had met another of my first cousins.
“Who!?” was all I said before I grabbed a cab and raced to meet her for the first time. Except that it wasn’t.
When I was a year old, my mother created a family rift between my father and his favorite brother, whom he had saved from bullies. The same brother who became a brilliant businessman and enhanced my father’s life was now banished forever. The same brother helped my physician father with patient referrals and support when my father became a young widower before my mother entered the picture. That younger brother, best friend, and confidant was gone.
They never spoke again, they never saw one another. Strangely, until the day each brother died, they still shared a best friend who had remained loyal to both through the decades of their Cold War. So, it was a weird and convoluted story, and I was fascinated.
How to bring a broken family back together, according to a professional peacemaker
Meeting my cousin, I could see how wonderful it would be to have her in my life with her great sense of humor and sophistication. I decided, on the spot, to heal the rift, but I had no idea how to accomplish it. Since the two brothers were no longer alive, appealing to them wasn’t an option. There was an enormous possibility my aunt would still be angry over the pain the rift had caused her husband.
My goal seemed insurmountable. Even though the shared best friend had passed away, I forced myself to focus on the goal and not the “reasons why not”. I looked at the benefits the two widows would derive from peace.
How to begin healing a family rift: Consider the benefits to the different family members
Psychology Today highlighted how estrangement often stems from unresolved conflict and long-held grievances, and can persist when attempts at communication fail. This description is based on psychology, which would never work for my family, so I needed to be far more creative to succeed with my own relatives.
During my twenty-five years as a mediator, in which a $205M and a $800M deal depended on family peacemaking, I taught clients how my family mediation was my first attempt. It seems so simple now, but then, I had no idea how to motivate either side to talk to one another.
You need to understand the true cause of your civil war
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When I was born, my mother decided the family business run by this uncle should include a legal agreement guaranteeing my father a percentage of profits each sibling was promised by their parents fifty years earlier. My uncle didn’t agree. He was a generous man who invited my parents on trips and didn’t want a formal agreement. My mother and my father sued him and won.
In mediation, I always begin with the person who is the easiest to reach. Just as Hollywood producers say, “We have Meryl,” or “We have Dustin,” before there’s a firm agreement, I knew that once my mother agreed to speak to her sister-in-law, the rest would be easier.
I called my mother, who loved a great story, and said, “Even with your amazing imagination, you will not guess who I saw today, not in a million years.” My mother was delighted because I had forgotten she never, ever held a grudge. She was in!
I asked her to tell me about this branch of the family, about whom I knew little. I learned my aunt had been a beautiful model, and after she married my uncle, she was a great hostess, inviting my parents to all her dinner parties, and both brothers and their wives were members of the same golf club. Suddenly, I realized what had caused the wedge; my mother didn’t like to play second fiddle to anyone, so she never did. Because my aunt and uncle were much older than my mother, the natural order of power favored them, not her, and she rebelled.
Instead of dredging up her memories from so long ago, my immediate goal was to get my mother on the phone with her sister-in-law and set up the call as the fun walk down memory lane it could be. My second goal was to get to know my first cousin and her two daughters.
Disowned family members can be returned to the fold
Scientific American discussed why family members separate, including abuse, toxic behaviors, unmet emotional needs, and ongoing conflict. It also highlights the deep grief, confusion, and long-lasting emotional pain associated with family estrangement.
However, none of these existed for my mother or for my aunt. At the time my mother broke up the brothers’ friendship, my father must have suffered in silence. His brother, I later learned, was heartbroken and couldn’t sleep, and my aunt was forced to cope with her troubled and agitated husband for a long time.
I called my cousin and let her know my mother was delighted to speak to hers and, because she was in Florida for the winter, we would love to know a convenient time to call her mother.
The call was scheduled for the next week, and my cousin and I agreed to keep our mothers on target for the call, mentioning various shared memories they would enjoy. As my cousin was ten at the time of the rift, she remembered both my parents and had details to contribute to help me continue motivating my mother to create a warm and friendly phone call.
It was my job to apologize to my Aunt because I was the one who wanted peace.
Benefits of healing for every family member
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According to a study reported in Cornell Chronicle from Cornell University, of the more than 1,300 people Pillemer surveyed, 10% reported being estranged from a parent or child, 8% from a sibling, and 9% from extended family members, including cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, nieces and nephews.
Therefore, family estrangement is surprisingly common, affecting about 27 percent of adults who reported cutting contact. It creates long-term emotional pain, social isolation, and loss of support. The article also discusses how estrangements often ripple across extended families and can lead to chronic sadness and loneliness for years, which was exactly what happened to my father.
If you don’t know how to mediate, hire a professional
Even though I was able to create peace without training, I had a natural ability to create peace with friends, even when I was young. While the Mayo Clinic suggested steps to prepare for a reconciliation, but omitted the training to allow readers to take appropriate actions.
Their instructions would not work for anyone I have coached because they would need training. The article stated, “Show empathy. Don’t try to persuade your family member to see things your way. Let go of the need to be right.”
Showing empathy requires skills that seem simple but are incredibly complex. Here are words I would use with my aunt if I began this process today. “I can only imagine how shocking it was for you when my mother terminated the friendship between brothers who loved each other so much.
Then I would let her respond and continue, “Yes, I can hear how much you and my uncle suffered when he lost his best friend, his doctor, and his favorite brother all at once, and needed to understand why, yes? I would continue to listen until she had been completely heard and was calm before I invited her to speak to my mother.
The Mayo Clinic continued, “Forgive or work on letting go of resentment.” This doesn’t help because forgiveness takes time, and I didn’t want to wait, so I created the opposite solution by profusely apologizing.
A little apology goes a long way to create peace
“When I imagine what you went through so long ago, I wish the brothers were still here to reconnect. I’m so sad that this happened.” I would listen to anything she said without interrupting or speaking myself. Ultimately, I would continue with the request, the call to action.
“I know my mother would love to speak to you because you have so many shared memories. I’m wondering if that would be something you would consider?” I didn’t say, because you’re both widows and everyone you’ve both known is dropping like flies. I didn’t lay a guilt trip on it. I didn’t make false promises. I just asked.
The next week, they spoke and had a fabulous time on the phone, and really appreciated what I had done. I’ve been friends with my new cousin ever since, and that is the bonus round.
Susan Allan is a certified mediator and coach, and the founder of the Marriage Forum Inc., and creator of The 6 Part Conversation and The 7 Stages of Marriage and Divorce training to help people understand their own needs and their partners.
