18 Super-Obvious Signs You're Having An Emotional Affair
Everyone around you is starting to notice.
Prostock-studio | Canva In this day and age, most of us have friends of the opposite gender, whether they're co-workers, casual acquaintances, or close confidantes. The question is: How close is too close when you're in a romantic relationship with someone else? Because, here's something you might not know about cheaters, not everyone cheats intentionally. While some people do knowingly choose to start being with someone outside of their relationship, there are a surprising number of people who are just lonely, seeking friendship, and they don't realize that they've invested more in this "other" person emotionally than with their significant other. That's the beginning of an emotional affair. They're not bad people, but they are seeking solace with someone other than their romantic partner. It might not be as salacious as anonymous motel hookups, but it is still a form of cheating.
Here are 18 super-obvious signs you're having an emotional affair:
1. You dress up for him
When you buy new clothes or change your hairstyle and wonder what he'll think (instead of how your partner will react) that's a danger sign. We all consider our audience when we're primping to go out, but doing so with a particular other in mind — not your significant other — suggests there's something more here than meets the eye. —Judith Tutin
Pexels / Polina Tankilevitch
2. You lie to your significant other about seeing the other man
Perhaps you fail to mention an innocent coffee you had with the other man you're attracted to. You consider it just a small omission, not a real lie. Maybe you even tell yourself you just forgot to mention it. Oops! If this is the case, you must ask yourself what you're hiding from your partner and why. —Judith Tutin
3. You do special things for the other man that you don't do for others
You give him that cute card that perfectly captures how you feel about your "friendship," or the little knickknack from your last trip which you imagine him placing on his desk. It seems innocent enough, but these are little reminders of you and invitations for him to reciprocate. What are your true intentions about this relationship and this person? —Judith Tutin
4. You're spending more and more time away from your significant other
Late nights at the office are starting to add up. Long lunches are becoming routine. When you think about it, you can see you're trying to increase your opportunity to spend time with the other man at the expense of time spent with your significant other. What is all this time with him really about? —Judith Tutin
5. Your texting with the other man often (and try to keep it secret)
You can't wait to surreptitiously check your phone to see the latest text from him. You're up in the middle of the night on Facebook. When the balance of who you communicate with tips away from your significant other toward someone else, it's a sure sign of trouble in both relationships. —Judith Tutin
Pexels / mikoto.raw Photographer
6. You laugh more with the other man
You "always" have more fun with him than with your partner. You like being with him. You prefer it. —Charlotte Michie
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7. You think about the other man all the time
Your daydreams include this person almost to the exclusion of your partner. You muse about what would it be like to be with him all the time. —Charlotte Michie
8. You compare your partner to the other man (and not favorably)
Comparing is a judgment, and judgments leave us feeling either good or bad. You think of this other guy and you really feel good, and then you think of your partner and you feel bad in some way. —Charlotte Michie
9. You eagerly anticipate your next encounter
You are checking your email, phone, or Facebook hoping he has contacted you. You feel excited at the prospect of him texting you first. —Charlotte Michie
10. You feel understood by him (but not by your partner)
A really big red flag is when your thoughts wander towards: He gets me. He knows exactly how I feel. Then you think of your partner and how he doesn't get you and he's a loser when it comes to your feelings. —Charlotte Michie
11. You tell others over (and over) "we're just friends"
A big sign that you're more than friends is when others bring to your attention what they're seeing. Don't ignore what others say. If you're repeatedly defending your relationship with him to others, that's an issue to look at. —Charlotte Michie
12. You feel uncomfortable when your partner says something about the other man
Many times these relationships are made at work and your partner does know about the "other" because of project work together. Pay attention if you feel uncomfortable when your partner (or spouse) comments about your work partner. It's important to explore your conscience and be truthful to yourself about the relationship (and marriage.) —Charlotte Michie
13. You tell him things about yourself that you haven't told your partner
As a relationship develops, so does the depth of the feelings. One way to go deeper in a relationship is to tell things about yourself that you have not even told your partner. It's important to ask yourself, "Why haven't I told my partner this?" —Charlotte Michie
14. You tell "little white lies" to your partner
There are "little white lies" because nothing is going on and you don't want to upset your partner needlessly. Search your conscience and be honest with yourself about your motives. If nothing is going on, then telling your partner should not be a problem. —Charlotte Michie
15. You find it difficult to concentrate when the other man is around
This is an ordinary part of human attraction. When you are aroused, your mind is absorbed by cues. Other things become, well, less important. You lose track of time when you're with him. When the two of you are alone, you don't want to be interrupted. Nothing else seems truly worth the fuss. —Stephen Snyder
16. You show off for him
You smile more brightly. Your voice is more musical, more husky, more inviting. This is an ordinary part of the human mating dance. If you catch yourself doing it, that's okay, but be careful. You may want to sit out the next dance until your capacity for rational thought fully returns. —Stephen Snyder
17. Your emotions keep getting more powerful and intense
Your mood can swing wildly, depending on whether you're getting positive signals from him or not. It's normal during courtship for your emotional controls not to work so well. Your job is to know that feeling a little out of control is a natural part of the early mating process. Time to take a deep breath before things get any more out of hand. —Stephen Snyder
18. You feel more alive when he's around (or even just thinking about him)
This is one of the most dangerous elements of emotional attraction. The intensification of feeling and sensation that accompanies new love can be a powerful turn-on. Want advice? Try this: don't fight the feeling, but don't nurture it either. Just enjoy it as a pleasant reminder that you're still alive. Chances are you'll see the feeling fade over time. That's the good news and the bad news too. —Stephen Snyder
Judith Tutin, Ph.D., ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. She shares more work in her book, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide.
Charlotte A. Michie is a licensed clinical social worker with 10+ years of experience in private practice who takes a practical approach to emotional healing to ensure her clients can live in the present moment in a meaningful way.
Stephen Snyder, M.D. is a relationship therapist, psychiatrist, and author who helps committed, long-term couples regain passion, intimacy, and closeness in their relationships.