Missing My Mother

On August 25, of her 77th birthday my mother was given the news that a disease had entered her body. She and I had just been on vacation with family in California and Las Vegas where we danced in the streets just for fun. During our time away, I was reading the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown and my mother Ruth was deeply concerned for my soul. She had converted to Catholicism when she married my father and had become a devout Catholic with particularly strong beliefs and opinions. She felt passionate that this book would shake the faith of many people and though she read it each time I would leave her alone she imprinted upon me time and time again the mantra, “Susie it is just fiction you know that right!”

Since our quibbling about the Da Vinci Code continued, I decided to pour a bit of humor into the debate. For her birthday, I wrapped and gifted her Dan Brown’s book “Angels and Demons” which included a beautiful note just inside the jacket of the book thanking Ruth for reading and enjoying the Da Vinci Code including the wisdom the Divine Feminine provided in the pages. I autographed Dan Brown’s signature allowing Mum to think it was a signed copy from the author. “Oh. Susie she exclaimed, no wonder you defended him I did not realize you knew the author! When I could no longer keep up the ruse we laughed from the deep places in our bellies!

On October 3, 2003 I stopped at Momma Ruth’s in Brigantine New Jersey and chatted for a few moments and then gently kissed her forehead and quickly I began my journey back home to Pennsylvania. In that precious moment, I could not have known it would be our last kiss. Just twenty-four hours later, she is rushed to the hospital and when I get there on Saturday morning she is in a deep sedated sleep they call a coma. The torture in my heart as I realize the truth before me catches my breath in ways I have not know.

The next six days I spend with my beautiful brother Dan just as she had a brother Dan and we do our best to be brave and loving. I remember one night when there is a storm of hurricane proportions and it seems symbolic to our intense suffering. Dan and I head to the beach that night and I scream in agony to the seas in a rage equal to the power of the ocean fury.

On October 17 she fulfilled her life and these are the words I wrote:

I sat at her right hand side and gave her my touch as I watched her breath for hours come slowly to an end on this Friday evening at 11:20.

I am in such pain, my breath struggles

She is gone

My Mother has flown away

I witnessed her departure

It was sacred

It was sad

It was scary

I am afraid

I spent the month of November with purpose and creativity. I went to be with horses who are my true spirit animal. I walked for miles, I cried for weeks as the process of healing made its way into my life. I wrote a letter to my Mother at the end of the month that read:

“If I could have the chance to sit with you one more time at the kitchen table drinking tea and tell you the story of my grief. There has been very few times in my life, that I have felt my strength slipping away, this is one of those times. You taught me courage and I thank you. When I become weak and vulnerable I feel so lost. Losing you has truly shattered me and changed who I am.

I feel like I need you to help heal from this gripping sense of grief! You would speak wisdom and comfort to me just as you did when my friend passed away when I was just a young teenage girl. You would tell me to believe in the unseen and surrender to the faith that moves mountains. Oh and Susie consider getting a puppy.” 

Although it has been 14 years since my mother transitioned I think of her nearly every day. My relationship with her seemed to be like a fine wine that became more valuable as our lives progressed and we each had the gift of experience, wisdom and forgiveness.  The adjustment of missing my Mother is such a painful challenge.

I have learned that I have the right to grieve the pain and accept the feelings I am experiencing without judgment.  Sometimes I have tried to be too strong and postpone pain or ignore the emotions that I logically know will stay attached within me in some way.   As I practice walking through the painful emotions, I learn to let it go more fully and as I continue my healing journey.

I believe it is a tribute to my mother to keep her alive through the telling of her narrative to my children, my grandchildren, family, friends and anyone who will listen. One of my favorite quotes from Momma Ruth that I love to pass on to others is this: “If I worry about what if it will take away from my here and now!”

Live life in the fullness of the moments, for the moments are all we have - cherish them.

Susannah Spanton Horsey

Written in Ireland, beside the Ocean, drinking tea and warmed by a fire and my precious husband who she would have loved as much as I!

Susannah Spanton is an energy healer and International trainer in the healing arts of Reiki and Bio-energy and the founder of Reiki Melody  (reikimelody.com), a studio that provides energy healing sessions and training to become a practitioner. Call Susannah today at 215-630-8534 for any questions you may have or email her at sspanton310@gmail.com for more information about the exciting and emerging field of energy healing!